missions.

"We go not to see fruit, but because we have seen Jesus."

[-Andrew Darmahkasih]

deng.

on one note:
this never gets uncomplicated..
does it?

moving along.
i trust that You aren't surprised
by where i am..

oh man..
already?
thanks for listening..
thanks for answering

go to rainy day..crummy day...songs:
breathe me - sia
fix you - coldplay

dunno why i thought that important to share..

well lately..breath me feels darker..
and fix you ..moreso relevant..
perhaps its the way that it picks up
at the end..
its not that the lyrics get happier
but something changes..
something gets better..

i suppose its in the lyrics too.
but just a glimpse..
and that's all it takes..
a sliver of hope..
bursting in subtly..
but in a way that cannot be ignored.

something changes.

no longer divided
the pressure is eased..

on another note
nothing too fancy..
nothing dramatic
or super overtly spiritual
but out of immense gratitude
and a heart that has fallen in love
i desire to return.
again i must return.
may this fire burn with a love that's not my own
but with Your love...
the reminds me when my heart is faintest
of its depth and reach..

im swelling right now..
emotions are present
and they are nice...
but i know they arent everything.

but this is nice.
to feel..is this just happy?...
or is this joy infused...?
don't matter.
oh and excitement...
goose-bump inducing excitement.

the division.

continue of as if nothing happened
this of course seems easiest
and less embarrassing..
but damnit they know..and knew
and i couldnt stop that...
im too bloody obvi.

recondition and return to former state
this is just rebuilding walls
similar to the first..
but feels different

but the feeling was nice..
until it turned into frustration.
meh.

onward.

great.
now im divided.

i'd just like to throw up naow.

on one note:
maybe i am a skeptic,
maybe i've been hardened.
maybe its just protection..
expect nothing..
and it all gets easier.

on another note:
otr pt 5.
where are you, heart?

honesty..
blind and whole is what i desire the most..
but honesty i cannot give.
its too much..
they'll know.

and everything crumbled...
in like 2 days..
what.the.hell.

struck.

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7

some days..
like today
i just wanna be Your baby..
crawl into Your lap
and sulk into Your warmth
until Your freedom becomes true to my heart.

i know i am to be a soldier
a servant...
but today i offer no pretense..
i am but a child..
immature and overwhelmed by myself..

i need Your warmth and embrace..
to be fed by You..

i feel so small.

exactly.

Psalm 25:20

20 "Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
    Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you."

a thought came to mind:
tomi, would you? again?

i remembered..
regardless:
again and again and again, i would.

i realized as i drove home..
that my issue was not really with them..
i worry...that they would not have me
...that i would be denied...
sigh.

"It’s unloving for me to notice something harmful in your life, but to ignore it like it’s not there. Why would I let someone I love continue to live in a destructive manner? If I love you, I’ll tell you the truth even when it hurts. But it must be based on God’s standard, not my own. And I have to do it from a humble posture that recognizes I need the same grace you do."
-Trip Lee

mm.

...i think i feel as though...
something's missing..
but what exactly..
there's some hole...and things are leaking out.
sigh.

the thought enters my head quite unexpectedly actually...
what if He's not entirely displeased with my enjoyment of reading this book?
what if this, too, i can do with Him...
i don't know..
i fear i may be making excuses ..
or worse justifying my consumption..

it's a nice thought it is,
so i'll ask, i suppose.
how sweet it feels...to be able to ask.

shall this til death be my struggle?
i know what is good and true..
but it hurts so bad right now,
and i feel so small.

i hate this feeling.

and now we move on:
there's homework to be done.

thoughts..

that have been swimming around recently..

- i think He wants me to slow down and keep offering certain things to Him..instead of jumping at the first inkling of conviction..to wait..

- and he'll one day marry a beautiful cultured korean girl, with a taste for good food and an eye for beauty...she'll love Jesus and have a wonderful sense of humor, so you can't help but adore her too...so shush dat.

- i'm kinda like the overbearing...wet-blanket mother, and you're the fun, cool dad that everyone wants to be around...[shrug]

- odd how a death can give so much hope in life...for more life..

- and there's a deep beauty in that Hope and Light can still be found, and more tangibly so, in the deepest trenches and darkest nights..what a wonderful God.

oh Jesus, i feel so restless..

oh man.
i need to pray more..
because the more i see..
the more i know..
the depth i perceive..
i'm already falling..
damn you charm.
just lemme alone, ok
for i have neither the energy or desire..
as nice as it feels to dream.

agh.
just shuuttt uppp stupid heart.
you already know where to turn..
in moments like these..
so..shut up and turn.

wut is going on.
oh Jesus, my heart feels like its gone quiet.
i know its beating faster..i can feel it
but oh the blood and the warmth..
are numbing and confusing..

hm.

i should be over all the butterfliiiiies..

i've seen the fruits..
for they are quite ripe,
and starting to fill the air with their scent..
some of it's sour.
ah..but the roots..
i'm starting to see those too..
and part of it's painful,
some humbling..

damned cycles.
literally cursed.

i had a dream last night..
that instead of going to otr to serve for years after grad school..
i left last semester..
and it felt perfectly normal..
i remember that i didnt see my butterbean before leaving..
i think the quanch was still there.
i remember when we got there...
oh there was another sister [from jca] there with me...
i had no job, wasn't taking classes...and i panicked inwardly...
then as we dropped the quanch at his place and made the treck to our own
i decided that i'd take classes...maybe 1 or 2
and work...at that coffee shop downtown...
coffee emporium or something like that..
i woke up....kinda excited.
i feel no need to rush.
but...im excited.

insanity is only logical in a world rampant with instability and uncertainty..
where life sustenance is a delicate balance..
and completely out of our known control..
it's only logical.

praise to the stable, certain One.

can life erupt from brokenness on it's own?
can brokenness breed life?

oh i am prideful.
but i am also broken..
a deep broken.
i have made so many mistakes.
i've made myself a fool for such a cause.
a cause that could never be fulfilled that way..

so then what?
what now?

i am an attention-whore..
and my heart and flesh will satisfy its desire..
whichever way...with whomever..
but they shan't be satisfied..
for people are broken and spells wear off..

i am ashamed.
for in all my knowledge of You..
in all the ways that you've grown me..
i still dance for monopoly money..
pouring all out for what cannot be..
for what will never...wholly satisfy..
i know this...
i know this..
but still i dance.

alas i am tired..
and broken..
and the guilt and shame sit heavy on my face..
my first response?
run, run, ruuunnn..
they cannot hear..they will be aghast...
disappointed..
isolation..separation...
for it's too much...
through some manifestation be slowly quenched..
the root still remains...just as deep ..
still fed..
sigh.

when things are like this..
there is still some small tinkling stream..
deep deep down..
that reminds me..
and i cannot forget fully..
the extent and the depth...
because You gave it to me..
and it cannot be snatched.

but here i am..i look around
and i'm not sure where i am.
i repent, for i have been prideful.
i have forgotten my place..
my depravity..
rather not forgotten...but celebrated..
but You desire more..
You have more..
You've called me to more..

its a odd place to be..
but this is where i am.
lots of thoughts.
so grateful..
but something else too.

happy birthday tomes..

imprint

"i'm not saying "get better" or "do better"11:21 PM

i'm saying open up and God will come rushing in

he promises that

he cannot wait to be with you

to hug you

to be near you"

"inadequate" it screams

and im blinded by its noise.

i can't reconcile..

if what was built up..

keeps being hit with blows..

maybe what was "built"..

wasn't all that strong in the first place.

...sometimes i wonder..
why did You create romantic love...
or romance in general?

i can get the Fatherly love..
i can lavish and bathe
and drink it all in..

but this kind...
i don't understand..
what's the purpose in it..?
would You show me?

no...no i don't want him...
whoever..
to show me..
and..
i'd rather not reason it out on my own..
...won't You show me?..please?

oh Lord, my heart is so jank.
ahhh..

i once said
"i'd much rather daydream.."
and ...quite often that's true..
detachment..

alas..
it is possible..
to find Truth in the midst of darkness..
for Love to pierce the diamond wall
and shatter the stone..
to melt the coldest and the hardest..

oh how sweet it is,
that You concern Yourself with beings like us..

alas..
it's not just our type of hearts that You can reach..
it's not just here that You work..
but You are much bigger..
far greater..

You've called us to Your work..
to Your joy..
that reaches through time,
and breaks all logic
You've given us different passions..
different talents, different heart songs..
different people, different places
You've given us Your body,
a community...to heal...to encourage..
.to redirect our compass..
to remind...to rebuke...to fight...to fight.
and You've sent us out..amongst the wolves..
to a war You've already won..
sometimes..in time..You give us a partner..
in collision, an explosion and two lights become one..
one that implodes and shoots off into the universe
shooting off splurts of Your light and life
and becomes a symbol of Your love..

You've given us Yourself..
all sustaining, deep and fulfilling..
like a fountain that increases the thirst..
but fills the ache..
that closes the gap...
but never ends..never finishes..
that goes deeper..filling every crevice
satisfying every root..
and complete access..

i say these words and its like a song..
one that You've written to me and her and them..
one that is too high for my little brain to comprehend..
to even fully imagine..
words and thoughts that i cannot bring down to my level..
that are set apart..and are to be set apart..
but You've given me Your Spirit..
that i might understand.
perhaps now just bits and pieces..
but oh how those bit and pieces flatten me..
floor me in awe...make me wonder..
WHO are You?

oh to know You more..
deeper, please.

wut.
i just can't right now..
i can't..

oh pride, just shut your face won't you?
shut your face and let me live.

is this the freedom You were talking about?
can i be free from this too?

cleanse me, Baba..
i hear Your words echo in my heart..
but other words are louder..
ah..they have been fed
cleanse me, Baba

empty me of what my ears have heard..
my eyes have seen..
my mind has thought..
the words are just too many..
too loud to hear the whisper..
the whisper ebbs and grows..
but now its just a tinkling..

cleanse me, Baba..
and pour through the emptiness..
like the hot oil that coats..and covers.
fill me with Your word..
oh that the feeding may cease..
disrupt and renew.
that Your desires...Your desires would be mine.

crave.

sigh,
that is all.

i want very much to be loved..
by those i love.

yea.. yea.

racing...racing..
and i can't sleep.

hm.
these are stupid..
like..they're ACTUALLY stupid..
but i'm still not sure how to deal..

well..there is the one way..
thank You...that i can come to You with my nonsense.

i am..who i am..who i am..
i must be tomi.
being tomi is just dandy.

as much as i admire this or that person..
i have been created to be tomi

most difficult..yet the easiest..
to extend grace towards..?
me.

oh, when shall i learn to love you, tomi..
well..to love you...in the way He desires..?

on another note..
its odd how i keep offering you the measuring stick..
as if you actually know how to use it..
but that's not your fault..
the measuring stick was never to be your burden to bear..
its unfair for me to offer it to you..
and all this does is cause me grief..
sigh.

just love me, ok?

i have decided to follow Jesus,
i have decided to follow Jesus,
i have decided to follow Jesus,
no turning back, no turning back.

my heart began to slow the moment i saw it..
and then i knew..
i'm deeper than i originally thought..

but then again...i knew..
and it's ok...
but is it?
i feel that it is..
shrug..

this place... this moment,
is good.

all along..
we're basically the same person..
except............

its detrimental..
the way i talk about this..
in my head,
in my heart..

Father, i can't see it..
they say it..
but i don't believe it..
...can't believe it..

can You help with this too?

but really though....
the tendencies,
reactions,
and actions of people..
of humans
are a blimey mystery.

sometimes i feel it futile to even try to understand..
to speculate and conclude..
to guess..
it all feels so bloody...useless.

yea, there are patterns...sort of..
...but we aren't equations.


as frustrating as it all feels..
its kind of ....exciting..

so. many. feels.

ugh.
man i hate the feels.
time to fight.

...but already?
reaaallyyyy?
now?

sigh.
can't i just bask?

what do You say about me?

if only my thoughts could write themselves.
if only words could dance out my heart and onto a page.
if only i were actually able to coherently express myself...in a timely manner.
arg.

a charge to gird up and press forward..
a conviction?...or perhaps just a possibility..
but burns in my heart and mind nonetheless..

and now..
but now..
unoffendable heart eh?
seek honesty and reconciliation eh?

pfft.

maybe tomorrow.

i just...i just..
i dunno..
but i do ...know..
but i don't wannaaaaa...

but i do..
maybe...
but.
UGH.

im actually sort of ridiculous.
...perhaps a little more than sort of..

unsettling.

i trust that You are the Redeemer.
You are the Redeemer.

kilo lese Olorun mi?

everything falls,
everything falls.

slf-rflctn

jealousy feels...nasty.

but sometimes...most times..
i long for something soft..
..and warm..
like sweet summer rains..
something organic and filling..
refreshing...and familiar..

am i lacking?

"you act like an outcast in your own home"

im trying to figure out why the accusation..
why any accusation...assumption..
makes me want to tear his eyes out
until he realizes how little he really knows about me..

how little he's really willing to understand about me.

hm
but...i was happy when he acted younger..
when i was able to be the older sister..
damn.
so its just that i feel disrespected...isn't it.
but i wonder..
does that mean that i have pride issues..
or...that he's just a disrespectful asshole..

actually i think i just wanted to call him an asshole there..
maybe its somewhere in between
maybe we both have something to work on..

but i feel like the feeling is one-sided..
maybe that one side is the one i should worry about...
sigh.

summer bucket listing...

i only have 3....
but i wanted to note them.

i. spend hours at loth.
ii. stone mountain trail.
iii. visit novelty shop in dd.

i had a plan, i did...
and it wasn't too complicated...
or out of the ordinary..
or terribly expensive..
but..
odd enough..
completely unexpected..
things got expensive..
time-consuming
smelly..and burdensome..

oi livelihood.

preach Psalms.

sigh.
preach.

class.sass.bass.mass.class

still praying about this..
but it's kind of hard to fight the feelings..

snubbed..
and snubbed again..

...shrug.
i think i've come to accept it..

but acceptance and bitterness..
are muddled..hard to distinguish..
i can feel the hurt in my heart..
but the nonchalance for my health..

mm will continue praying for my heart.
but for now...
nonchalance and acceptance will do..
shrug..

THIS.

http://londonpyo.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/tim-keller-following-the-thread/

"But you did not look to him who did it, or see him who planned it long ago."

Isaiah 22:11b

wow. that's it?
is that all You've wanted all along?

thank God for family group
praise the Lord for community..

i can hear a little tinkle in my heart
whispering ..
"tread carefully"

my dear...
what are you looking for?
what does your heart desire?

i remember thinking to myself..
when i was in the pit of all pits..
that what i desire..
what i want most of all.
is someone to love me for no good reason..
ha..

don't you already have that?
silly girl..

mm
odd how there's light..
in the grey areas..

sn: i LOVE thebrightlife...

i am nigerian..
i am..
and i can't undo it..or deny it..
and i wouldn't dare..
but..
would you ask me to?
if so...then no.
and thats OK.

grey areas..
who knew?

You knew..im sure..

to the core.

the blow of all blows
and i buckled..
i no longer feel..

i can feel myself closing..
and building walls...
i can't see..

i can't feel anything..

i looked into the sky tonight..
but i just saw darkness..
i saw the stars...
the moon was bright..

but i just saw darkness...
i just saw darkness..
darkness....

how can this be?

i am wounded..
and have left the wounds to fester..
in someways reopening them..
trying to bleed out..
that the pain would leave
and i could move on..

but i just keep losing blood..
and..
and..
strength..
where are You?
please...pleasee..please..
i need You..i have nothing left to fight with...

all they do..
is give me more reason to run from You.
so they must be discarded..

rock blankin' bottom.
am i too far?
have fallen to far from Your reach...?

i can't hear You..
Your Word says that nothing...nothing can separate us.

must fight to believe..

i just wonder..
.what exactly do i want?

i feel like im going in circles..
hella unstable..

i try to convince myself that
this ..or...that will satisfy..
some deep craving..
for acceptance and affirmation..

i know...
but i know...its all lies
and the hollowness continues to dry me out..
and leave me gasping for air..
or..drowning quietly..

hm
i don't have answers..
and feel a little like an idiot
..ha..i sure did have answers a couple weeks ago..

where are they now?
i've been left with myself..
and ....i've never really liked myself..

all those drawers...
slam slam slam shut.
makeup and glass masks.
don't shatter just yet..

but..

but..
would You still call to me?
can You hear me?

uh

sometimes...
sometimes i feel..
like im missing out on life..

truth's all i want..

defenses.
they are low.
and taking time to rebuild.
sometimes there're splurts of life
and things fall back in to place..
sometimes i fall back
and tear them back down..
with my own two hands..

i was thinking this morning..
or rather asking myself
"is He really worth it?
...is He really enough for you?"
if He never blessed me..
if my life sucked...
...and was filled with nothing but pain
and discouragement..
would knowing Him be enough?
being with Him...is that enough?

deep cries out to deep..

it could only be You..
who else could call to my soul...
from the depths of the darkness ..
the dryness of these walls that i've built ..
these distractions i've run to..

i've tasted Your sweetness..
Your life..
and my heart can't just...
drop it...
even this..
this is Your doing..

oh but You already know..
how fickle my heart is..
how quickly i run to ...them
how my heart longs for this...or that..
or what just being with You
couldn't possibly fill...

but You're IT
You have to be...there's nothing else..
nothing else..

i think...i miss You..
sorry i've been gone for so long..
i've missed You..

regret.

i could've been a better friend.
i could've pushed myself further..

is there no chance for reconciliation?

i miss them.
but will always remember the times we shared.

my choice was my own.
and so much good has come of it.
but...i can't deny that people were hurt..
and for that...i have regret.

i could've been a better friend.
i can be a better friend.
i will be there.

tension

it's very apparent now..
i've tasted of the Living Water..
so for it my soul longs..
but my flesh also longs..

i've seen the Truth..
the lies may try..
but they cannot win me over..
my heart has been won.
but still..there is this craving

i think it's hardest to see what's black and white..
in a sea full of greys..
its so easy to be lulled by the greys..
and even numbed..
but something..Someone inside..
reminds me what stands..
and what will not.

the great divorce..
there isn't room for the petty..
in the Greatness...
no room..
all or nothing..

what does that mean for here?
oh God...where feet may fail..
religion doesn't hold up..
but i trust that You are bigger than religion
and tradition
and a set of guidelines..
that Your relationship with Your creation..
goes so much deeper..
the Cross breaks so much logic
so many ideas of justice and fairness..

mm im sorely confused.
it feels so simple
but so complicated..
i wonder how You deal with it all sometimes..

what can i do...but come to You?

a million suns..

"You shine like a million suns ablaze..wrapped in eternal light and praise. Jesus the first, the last, the bright and morning star."

i remember last night after having replayed this song several times i tried to imagine what it would be like to see a million suns ablaze..
haha...oh how futile..
but this morning in the shower..
while...the song was playing in the background
an imaged popped into my head
bright yellow Light..
and while i was focused on the bright yellow Light
i didn't even notice the little brown ugly squirming thing
trapped in the corner
it didn't matter what it was doing..
because the Light was so much greater
so much more powerful..
as the light grew and intensified
the little brown squirming thing...just popped
there was no room for it's existence.

like the great divorce.
hm.
i pray that this rings true when i rest tonight.

Hosea 6:6 "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

this sets something off in my heart..
i want...You.

it cannot be for the sake of ministry..
it has to be about You
knowing You..
walking with You..

after all..
is not ministry..
but the aftermath of the overflow?

relationship over religion.

"'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

suchh a good song.
its as if all parts of my heart cries
have been exposed..
the confusion..
the uncertainty..
the longing..
also the call for development..
for something more..
hope is rising..

the first time i heard the song i thought about peter..
and how he got distracted from Jesus
and sank..
but cried out
and was saved.
³¹ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”


it means so much to me that He immediately reached out to save him..
all he did was cry out..
and immediately..

what manner of Being..

thank God for the book of Psalms..

Psalm 25:16-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷ The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
    bring me out of my distresses.
¹⁸ Consider my affliction and my trouble,
    and forgive all my sins.

¹⁹ Consider how many are my foes,
    and with what violent hatred they hate me.
²⁰ Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
    Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
²¹ May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
    for I wait for you.

i feel you, David, i feels.
i think i gave up fighting..
but the fight hit me in the face
..or rather sat on my chest
early this morning

weird how the message was repeated..
muddled
...thats it..
like how the clouds covered the moon..
like im fading..
slipping away..
but to where?
i cant rely...cant trust..
but...must?
but...shouldn't..
sigh
it,they,there can't be my hiding place..
in the best, only part is satisfied..
but the whole still remains..
like an addiction..
dependence cries for more..
more it cannot give.

but maybe the reaction is wrong.
run when i should stand..
hide when i should fight.
You provide the strength, right?
and the armor..
and the protection..
and the victory...right?

where to start?
what now?

i am not strong enough.

..what now?

and the saddest thing is..
i'd much rather daydream..

i fell.
flackering.
i must find the root.

pulling up weeds does nothing..
if the root still remains.
so it is with this type.

muse me.
sometimes i feel as though holding on.
to thoughts.
to what's happening around me.
to what's happening to me.
to ideas.
is so fundamentally human..
and...tomi..
that lettting go is such a foreign
almost unjust notion..
but.
tonight i tried it with some nagging thought
or discrepancy i had..
and it was unsettling..
how easily the peace
and sense of freedom came.
and now
even as i write about it..
im somewhat perplexed.
can it really be that easy Father?
can it really be that You desire me to ..
sort of ignore what's going on ..
regardless of what actually is going on..
and just focus on You..
not necessarily hoping that You'll answer my questions..
or give me an explanation...a play-by-play..
but trusting ...that You "got it"
..and know best..

my tummy hurts...
i don't think that lox is sitting well..

haha i can hear myself thinking..
"no way...that can't work.."
more than ever...i can see my stubbornness..

i don't understand..
but will i ever?..

oh help me, Father..
help me release..
give me strength to release..

oh haha...
i just thought..
you know the whole..
it takes more courage to walk away or to say no
than to fight or take drugs...blah blah..
haha oh how relevant that feels right now...
its like im using all my strength to hold on to this...er..thing
...but i need even more strength to let it go..
more than i think i have..
haha

this is a long post.
oh the raging inside my chest right now..
i wanna be Your friend too
i wanna hold Your hand...

toast

"truth's all i want...all i want is You..
You're all i want all i wannnt..."

Father im overwhelmed
and i can feel the darkness sitting on my neck
threatening..

"don't look to the right or to the left..
keep your eyes on Me..
you will not be shaken..
you will not be moved"

feels like the fight of my life..
but im so tired..
already.
every note feels like it might be the last..
but i keep on singing..
gaping and grasping into where i can't see..

oh i feel like a crazy person
how'd this sneak up on me..

"everything good comes from You,
Father of Lights"

and only good can come from You,
right?

its like the labor pains are mounting this week
so much going on..
but i'm thankful that You're walking with me..
that You won't let go of my hand..

i yearn to know more of You..

ch. 7

more than grief
i can bring these things before You..
things at the back of my heart..
that i even hide from myself
....i can be honest about them...with You..
and...ask for Your guidance..
and that You would walk with me through them..

thanks for being that kind of God.

i kinda wish she didn't mention it.
now all sorts of things are floating in my head.
no...no not this again...

dumb flutterbyes.

i have another month to do one of my applications.
omg.
YES.

im so dumb.

and as i watched him lay there...
his face thinning
his belly swollen and raging..
as i watched him look on..
almost empty in gaze..
almost pleading..

solomon's cry came to mind
"vanity of vanities.......all is vanity"
i feel the time is short..
i fear im losing hope..
i desire that he knows..
that he understands..

what good does his titles do him?
what good does his money?
oh God...
crying out in desperation..
i know Your way is good and perfect..
open his eyes...show him Your way..
let his fears and thirsting end..
and true life begin..

its a hard thing i ask..
impossible...i know..
but You do the impossible..
You do the impossible..
please...pleassse.

its one thing to hear it.
again and again,

another thing entirely
to believe it..
not because they said so..
but because its true.

mid-musings

is this Your way of asking for all of me?
..but are You truly enough?

i don't know that my heart is so willing..
i suppose this is where the thankfulness come in..
thankfulness for...rules..parameters..

i know You're good.
i've expereienced it.
over and over..

i don't think i believe it..
or am i worrying
over trivialities..
i mean...i like what i like..

maybe i do rely..
maybe that's the problem..

one once said of a break-up
that its when you can't see life past current state..
when you can't see living any other way
is when you're doomed.

i don't know that i can see past.
maybe this is what this time is for..
40 days..
i can live without.
but...don't want to ..
but what ...who...do i value more?
are You enough?

i wonder what longing hides behind this..
what desire...what hole..
what futile attempt to fill it..
please...reveal...show me the way..
promise You'll hold my hand
and won't drop me when it gets sticky..
and when i don't want to look
and when i don't want to turn away..
please.. don't let me go..
i can see how im torn..

i trust that You love me.
...and that You know best.
i'll cling to that.

you know what.
i don't like rules.
or being told that i can't or shouldn't do something.

something in me resists.
sigh.

maybe i think i know better..
or don't see the purpose..
because...i think i know better..

pride issue..
or...more?

agh.
its like some weird monster..
some parasite
raging inside of me..
like a web..tangled
and restless..
lots of frustration..

sigh.

i kinda feel like a stale piece of bread.
dried out.
not moldy..
still kinda tasty..
but only reminiscent..

im hearing things..
but not sure im listening..

want..
but...not want..

eh.

sicknasty.

dude.
everything hurts.
this sucks.

thinking about otr again..
brings a weird pang to my heart
...i welcome it..

my heart still beats for that dark place..
that dark place with so much...Light..
and for that im thankful..

sometimes i think i know what im in for..
what to expect..
and in a way...i do..
but..
i know He's bigger than my few, small experiences..
and He can do bigger things than i can imagine..

man..im so psyched.

You have to bring the growth oh God..
the heart change is in Your hands

it makes sense
no one can come to You unless You lead them..

it cannot be done by persuasion
or poking..
or prodding

so..what can i do..but rely upon You?

i am the little sister..
the momma
the cute sweetheart
the biffle
the bro
the "safe" one

im the one you'd probably never consider..

and in a strange way..
and probably an unhealthy way..
i find that comforting

i get to see the real you.
the not prepackaged you.
i've seen you drunk
angry..
i've seen you break a couple hearts..
cry..
say things you don't really mean..

and me? ...im the voice of reason
the one to set you straight..
and remind you that girls are real people..
who make mistakes..
and hurt..
...and fart too..

don't take this as bitterness..
its a far cry from it..
ive come to accept this position..
to embrace it...
...oddly..

i enjoy having brothers..
have had them all my life..
a guy's perspective...is cool to have access to..
a good guy friend is somewhat hard to come by..
im grateful to have quite a few..

but sometimes...
only here and there..
it kinda sucks being the one you'd probably never consider..

there are times when i think to myself..
"man...life would be easier if i weren't a christian..
..i wouldn't have to do all these ...things..
or...think so hard"..

but.
i can smell the legalism in this one..

relationship over religion...abi?
sigh..

i know that You are IT.
the end
and the beginning
and "..to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,..."

oh heart..
change my heart..
remind me..

i have to remind myself that im on the winning side of this spiritual battle..
and the winning side is the actual winning side..
though the darkness seems overwhelming
and ever-growing...and inescapable..
though its tempting to sit and watch and wait..
the Kingdom is at hand.
the Kingdom is progressing
and the power of darkness cannot stop it.

little pockets of grace.

i can feel complacency setting in..
and like a burden..
the darkness to come...haunts..

NO.
fighting.

man...something in me has really changed..
something deep..
and ...alive.

would You still have me?
You know my past...my "exes"
...You know im prone to wander back and forth..
prone to revisit..
to be unfaithful..
but..
would You still have me?

i know the answer to this one..
You've proved it a million times over..


where are you convictions?
where did you get lost?

don't forsake me i pray..
draw me close to You

in the way i needed.

i called..
You answered..

thanks.

how appropriate.

tonight when i pulled up to my house..
and walked to my front door..
i looked up into the sky..

the sky wasn't black..
it didnt even seem dark..
but it was cloudy..

i knew the moon was behind the clouds.
i couldn't see it..but i knew..

how fitting.

my heart is heavy...like the darkness has returned..
i know that You are there..
behind the cloudiness..
but i cant see You..
sigh..

im trying really hard..
but i can't see You..

but there is this burning...
and wondering..
am i just...ignoring?

or choosing..

but ...i don't want to be blind.
or naive..

teach me to be still.
but not stoic..

passion with love that abounds more and more in knowledge and discernment...

oh Truth...be the fountain.

as much as there is a time and place to consider these things...
i don't think that time or place is now..

now...i'll just...trust You.
i'll find peace and rest...in You..
i'll wait for You..
like a lover awaits her love...
i'll wait..

Psalm 9:12. i'll believe.

hold me still

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

    my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.

-Psalm 131

as comforting as slipping back into an abyss sounds
i know i must resist..
there is a war to be fought
much work to be done.

girding of loins
and storage of prayers.

dont know how i got here..
60,000+ is A.LOT. of people..
im still overwhelmed..

so much on my heart..
so im thankful..

sex trafficking
my heart is so deeply bothered..
i don't want to believe it..

i wonder if i'll be able to handle it..

buuut..
they don't need...my sympathy..
or...my "nice-ness"
its not as romantic as it might seem
talitha cumi

its dirty, painful, and sometimes discouraging work..
i fear not being able to love them in the way needed..

thank God for women of God..
who pray..
i can do that..
its a start nonetheless..
i'll pray.

don't think im being difficult..
because im not trying to be..

yesterday, new year's eve.
i was thinking..
time is such an abstract concept...
i thought about new year's day..
what it symbolizes..
but moreso what i would be doing on that day..
im working today.
not too much different from what i did yesterday

then i thought..
what if time is standing still
and we're the one's that are passing...
its not as if time is pulling us forward..
making us older?
making things due..

in a way..we've set those parameters
well...maybe not the getting old part..

weird
i can't wait to see time the way God sees it..
i wonder if He sees us sometimes going cray over time
and thinks...and chuckles to Himself "silly humans...if only you knew"
meh

im starting to get anxious about grad school apps...
my official gre scores came in..
man..
humbled...so hard.
sigh.
i don't know what it means yet to surrrender this.
spent a good chunk of pt agonizing over this.
sigh.

ive also been thinking a lot about dating
and marraige
and babies..
im starting to wonder why i desire these so much
what compels me to think that  they'll satisfy me?

thirst..
really want/need water.
go for the juice..soda...
create more thirst.

something's off.
hm