...i wonder
if ive made a grave error
in ..staying in atlanta

sometimes i feel like an ornament on a shelf
that interesting looking one
that you got at that street market
in that exotic place one summer
you'll stare at me for hours
marvel at the curl of my hair
and the gold in my eyes
in awe of my vibrant colors
and how i stand out
but blend in so seamlessly
you wonder sometimes
what's my story
why my story
how my story

but i'm an ornament
only to be observed
not to be held
and read and read again
and understood and welcomed
and worn in like a good book

but i'm interesting to look at
and to marvel at..
and only that

i'd rather be the good book.

ive written before about the deep connection between music and my lived experience of this reality----and others.
lol i sound really mystical there, haha, but i think it expresses my point.
i attach music to joyful events
to sorrow
to life stages
to embarrassment and failure..

as a result
i have my fallback of playlists
to accompany each of these seasons
furthermore...
songs that i dare not listen to,
lest i relive an experience or event

i found this to be painfully true
and....sad, to be honest
to give up music i loved...or still love
because of some painful or uncomfortable experience..

this gives sooo much power to the experience
to those moments
to that person
to that event..

power that's really undeserved
and unwarranted

no. no longer.
for freedom i was set free.
for freedom.
i think that freedom means this too...
freedom to feel emotions...to feel pain
but not be bound by these things

so no.
sure, it's gonna sting a little bit tomes..
sure, you'll wince and cringe at the memory
but, you are free.
....and free to overcome
and move on
and learn
and grown
you are free.

[insert eye roll]

literally every time.
so bloody distracting

but he aint everything
and he can't be...as much as i think i'd want him to be.

sigh..but so distracting
so bloody distracting.

i should be finishing my midterm,
i really should
but another friend got engaged today

and i have this moment
where i stare at the screen
and think..
damn..but can i just get asked out?
hah, i'm such a selfish monster, i am
im happy for my friends
i am
believe me i am
but...buuutt..
meh.

i always said that when i see myself
in the future
i get a picture of me running
and running
not away from something
but the action of my life,
the pace of my life,
is running

and i would say
that i need someone who can "run"
at the same pace or faster
but right now..
as i stare at this midterm
and this engagement announcement
the running feels daunting
and scary
and tiring
what if what i need
is someone willing to take my hand
and walk a while?

i dunno.
but this is also a pretty selfish perspective
what i need
haha.

i wish i could trust my emotions.

on another note..
well sort of in the same tune
self focus is so detrimental
in any sense
i was reminded tonight
why community, why fellowship
and twas pretty sweet
was also reminded today
why college ministry
and twas just as sweet..

i wanna go where You lead
...where You are working
and moving...and that's just it..

i sense that some clarity was also given.
feeling more sure of the city.

now on to this midterm.

when im sad,
or upset:
i eat cake.
lotso cake.

feel like all this week
i've been craving, craving, craving

craving solace from my schedule
and studies
and midterms
craving escape
dreaming of mountain getaways
and foggy mornings that clear into bright blue days
sunny afternoons and crispy evenings for star gazing

craving being romanced
by some Jesus-lovin, tall, stocky, dimpled boy
with soft eyes, a sweet sort of crooked smile
and a taste for quiet adventures and coffee
dreaming of still, sun and food-filled mornings
and slow, intentional walks
genuine laughter and dancing to music as magical as our mood

craving solitude
where my dreams, thoughts and i
can be alone with my God
no agenda
no others
no plans
no emails to send
or papers to write
dreaming of silent dates
with listening ears
and a small still voice
quieting my anxious heart

my anxious heart
that craves, craves, craves...