muse me.
sometimes i feel as though holding on.
to thoughts.
to what's happening around me.
to what's happening to me.
to ideas.
is so fundamentally human..
and...tomi..
that lettting go is such a foreign
almost unjust notion..
but.
tonight i tried it with some nagging thought
or discrepancy i had..
and it was unsettling..
how easily the peace
and sense of freedom came.
and now
even as i write about it..
im somewhat perplexed.
can it really be that easy Father?
can it really be that You desire me to ..
sort of ignore what's going on ..
regardless of what actually is going on..
and just focus on You..
not necessarily hoping that You'll answer my questions..
or give me an explanation...a play-by-play..
but trusting ...that You "got it"
..and know best..

my tummy hurts...
i don't think that lox is sitting well..

haha i can hear myself thinking..
"no way...that can't work.."
more than ever...i can see my stubbornness..

i don't understand..
but will i ever?..

oh help me, Father..
help me release..
give me strength to release..

oh haha...
i just thought..
you know the whole..
it takes more courage to walk away or to say no
than to fight or take drugs...blah blah..
haha oh how relevant that feels right now...
its like im using all my strength to hold on to this...er..thing
...but i need even more strength to let it go..
more than i think i have..
haha

this is a long post.
oh the raging inside my chest right now..
i wanna be Your friend too
i wanna hold Your hand...