"all over the world
people just like us
calling Your name
living in Your love"

oh man this community

my heart is overflowing..
overjoyed

AH. thank You!

and how i await the day..
"when my faith shall be sight"..

when all things will be revealed
and my understanding deepened..

i have so much to ask You, Father..
i can't wait...

to live is Christ.

2 Corinth 4:16-17

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,"

this is Amazing Grace. 
again and again.

pt.2

oh God...this kingdom of Yours...
my heart is so overjoyed..
so full..
how can restoration...
true replenishment...
come from a place where your physical energy
is drained...day after day?

oh Your grace and love reaches far above where i can see or perceive.
i don't deserve such a glimpse..
but You gave and my heart is so glad..
so burdened...

and now the return..
soon the everyday will return..
the frustration..and the mundane..
but...my heart has been refreshed..
for hope to come from what's hopeless..
is by Your doing alone, oh Lord.
by Your infinite grace.

so faithful...i will be..
serve...i will..
pray...i will..
for You...through You..

she said "i can't wait to see how God is going to move,"
when i saw an end...
expectation of a new wave of God's power and love for His people...
oh God, You are good.

i must return...
"the same God that she experiences in OTR is the same God she can freely experience at home"

so grateful.

otr pt 2.

no other name,
Jesus, Jesus.

in a way i feel like im being crushed.
like the burden is too much..
so im giving in..and..well
i dont know that its much better...

funny how the burden still feels the same.

but.
the beatings were too many..
too many times..
why should i care?
i mean maybe you have to...because well..you know..
but me? i can leave. i can not care.
right?
but i suppose that You've called me to ssomething...more..

cast my burdens on You?
take on Your yolk?
i've heard that before..
sounds too easy..
it couldn't work..
it couldn't possibly be that easy.

well.
okay. i'll take Your word for it.
ha...i can already feel myself fighting to hold on
fighting to take the reigns..
to do it myself.

why are hearts so dumb?
i don't want to care so much
it hurts too much..
my heart..
oh Lord..
so heavy..

God i look to You..
i am overwhelmed...
give me vision...to see things like You do.
and wisdom...You know just what to do..

white flags er'where.
well...im trying anyways..

i remember reading somewhere 

something to the flavor of

...what if...all of our longings 

actually pointed to a higher longer..

like our longings for attention..love..sex..food..companionship..

what if all those longings were just echoes of our longing..

to be with the Father?

what if its a trail..

that leads home..

but instead of looking towards home..

im looking at the trail..

captivated by the trail..

enamored with the trail..

so i stop

and settle...for the trail..

like a postcard..

it reminds me of home..

brings some sense of comfort..

even makes me happy...

but its not the real deal.

only an echo..

pale in comparison..

so i wonder..

deeply hidden in these recent longings of mine..

what am i looking for?

attention? affirmation? comfort? rest?

oh...but to an echo i turn..

but..but..

those echos are there for reason too...right?

good morning starshine.
the earth says hello.

i am nervous.
did i do enough?

i had a dream that my car got stolen..
and that while i looked for it during break,
i missed half of the test..oi

let's start this off right..

its as if the weight of my depravity is sitting on my face.

can't move. can't breath. can't see.
and it hurts.

exhaust.

i don't like emotions so much.

sometimes..
most times..

i think its weird how sometimes i deceive myself
and then i think..
*cue the shattering*

...i don't like thinking too much either.

its makes emotions.

or.
OR.

maybe im just pms-ing.
im so overwhelmed.
so out of my league..
can't swim.

rollahcoastah

oh hoho the assholery
why such jerks
why you no see.

its almost hilarious.
ohhhhhh hohohohohoho the blatant, flagrant assholery

advent......ures

haha im so cool.

He called her "my daughter"
and i had to fight and sing back the tears.

"There is One found worthy
The Lion
Of the tribe of Judah
There is One found worthy
The Root
Of David

CHORUS
God, You became a man
You took on flesh
You’re so beautiful"

struggle-busin

hella hard.

like i seriously am not sure what's up with me..
im yearning for something..
but what exactly that something is has been so hard to decipher..

maybe i desire attention?
or maybe a romantic companion?

but where the hell did those desires come from?

whoawhoawhoa..
is this a distraction?
no deeper meaning?
just like something to keep me in a corner...
blind..
and exposed?

or...oorrrr
is this coming from some deep place..?
of longing and ....

what if its a combo?
mm...i like to escape.
maybe..

i dont like thinking.
ok ok ok ...soo
what now?
omg this didnt go anywhere.
pooeeyy

muddled

i feel like throwing things.
oh fickle heart.
just stop making noises would you?

mind. make it up.
sigh

i can't feel.
anything..

well i do...feel
but not good stuff..
not even longing

what the heck.

im going to attribute it to exhaustion.
and over analysis..

hm
i just got really anxious rethinking
about things..

oh
peace...
that's what im longing for.

Psalm 42:5-6a :
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation^[c] 6 and my God.

....i don't even know..

its like i feel...dirty..

but...i...did nothing wrong?

but...i don't know..

AGH.

so mach deux.

shift again.

feelings.
must actually consider..
and deal.

weird..
instead of trying to consider everyone else's feelings
i think it might be most healthy..
to just consider my own
and act accordingly

oh man
this growing up thing
...is weird.

haha...i don't know how to act.
and now im a little confused.
time to take time?
methinksso.

heart flutters?
mm. not...quite..
not at all?
maybe?
maybe...not..?

dumbdumb
sigh.
i can bring this to You, too....right?

oh mr. sheeran, you're not helping.
but... ♥

so mach.

and the little girl had on her favorite red dress
she looked up at the Father, eyes wide and smiling
"Look what I can do!" she giggled
and she spun and spun
but..stop.
the Father wanted something else.
He beckoned for her to come,
to sit upon His lap.
so she came...
she looked up at the Father..
not sure of what to do..
"What next?" she asked.
"Just be with me, little one...
sit with me..
talk to me.."
....but...how do i do that?

shift.
and with the face of an orphan
body and shame of a prostitute
dirty..blackened
she stands...before the cross
"i..messed up..... again.."
so much shame
"...i can't promise that it won't happen again..."
like a flood
cleansing...His blood
like a river..
all clean..
He paid it all.
it was paid.
still paid.
freedom and joy.

thankful.

OMG.
i dreamt that i was getting married.

well i actually remember the first part of the dream..
a bunch of us were going away some place..
think cabin-trip-esque
i remember quite clearly
that outside in a parking lot, one of the guys got really warm
and attempted to take off his undershirt
but took off his shirt accidentally
and the girls cooed and called
it was weird.
really weird.
i remember he said...pretty embarrassed "...omg..its not that impressive, guys"
then i remember this montage of guys with no shirt..
but when this was happening i remember thinking..
"wat da hail."
then then it cuts to a scene before my wedding ceremony..
we were about to leave our getaway...
and then all of a sudden i was getting ready for the ceremony..
i remember that i was holding up the entire thing because i couldnt find a pen?
them my brothers came to see about me and help me find a pen
then an "older sister" from the farrr past came to help me and give me advice
and to see if i was ready to get married..
we found a purple pen that i rejected at first...
but ended up accepting..
i don't really know why i needed a pen so badly..
then i remember going into a room and praying..
i remember telling God "this is all happening so fast..."
then i remember rushing out to the place where everyone was..
and putting down a long carpet..
then the groom said to me "don't worry about" and smiled..
then....i remember going to the back of the room...right outside to get ready to walk down the aisle
i remember thinking at the end there "OMG WHAT AM I DOING???"
and i started panicking...
i remember thinking that this was nowhere near how i dreamt that my wedding would be...
my parents weren't there...
the place where were having the ceremony was cruddy and dank
and the ceremony itself was...kinda small and mediocre
i remember church fam being there..
well more specifically p.josh and p.nate..
then i remember the minister had us open up in prayer..
i remember sort of collapsing to my knees, dress and all
and asking God if i was making a mistake..
[omg im sweating writing this]
then i remember seeing flashes of pictures of the future
where we were out and about with other ppl...at church events...and stuff
and we were happy and i remember imagining our dynamic while attending those events..
and i felt better..
i also remember p. nate talking about going to the gift shop and had bomi go with him
....i think he and another pastor had a bet about falling asleep first..
since they both didnt sleep the night before?
i...dunno...
then my alarm went off and my mother came into my room.
wat. da. hail.

i remember that i knew the guy..
our relationship was cordial...and...sweet...
i remember knowing who he was...
but for the life of me
i can't remember his face..
or name..

sigh.

tired eyes.

watching and pondering romcoms seem to make my insecurities flare up.
i have lots of those.

shaaattttupppp
there're worse things going on in the world.

sigh.
shut up.

Mark 5:36

"But overhearing^[a] what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, 'Do not fear, only believe.'" 

adieu

ha..not nearly as dramatic...or heart-breaking as this song..
not even the same sort of situation.
ha..but it was the first song that popped in my head
when i made the decision.
white flag.
but its okay.
i feel dumb writing this..
because it's almost as if im bowing out..
of a fight that doesn't exist..
according to what i tell myself..
it doesnt even exist inside my head..
im ridiculous..haha i really am.
but i concede to you imaginary victor.
you have my vote.

again.

this time i remember the dream sorta welll..

the first thing i remember is that people were drinking
i remember brianna yang passing me...but i don't know her...
for some strange reason i knew it was her..
i remember there being vodka on the counter..
and i remember a certain sister was there too and she had had a couple shots..
i remember thinking and i might have said that i never had shots..
then i remember thinking about shots of baileys..
next part, completely separate
we were all on like these bleacher like steps...
they looked like them but they were sometimes big enough for a table
and were cushiony enough to be a comfy bed
i remember Chris asking me if I wanted coffee
and i said yes, that i wanted it sweet..
i remember reaching up a couple steps to get the cup of coffee
then i remember turning around and like facing my desk or something
and i was listening to "kiss me" by ed sheeran
i remember i played it twice...
i remember a girl near me commenting on how she liked a cover of the song..
next erither tonia or ibs was beside me
we were laying down and talking...
i remember her telling me that she woke up, went to work
then went to school and that it was overwhelming
i remember that she had some nude shimmery lipstick on..i really liked it apparently
next,we were in what looked like a version of my old art classroom
the low tables, the chairs, mr. nichols was there..
but i also remember chris and prisca being there
i remember chris asking prisca if she could help out since she would be sick and miss the flight to otr..
i remember not remembering that prisca was planning on going to otr..
i think i asked him why prisca wasnt going any more...because i didn't get how she knew that she would be sick then...
he explained something about seasonal sickness...and that his and my schedule alternated...
im not really sure why that mattered
then i remember me, chris, and mr. nichols were putting up the chairs..
i remember i put up a chair and then got suuuuperrrr tireddd
i think i put a chair over my head and told myself i would just close my eyes for a few moments
i remember snoring and seeing my black boots..
i remember being surprised that mr. nichols or chris didnt notice
so i thought i'd sleep some more
then i remember that i thought i should try to wake up...
-now to real life-
weird i dont exactly remember how it started...
but i do remember hearing things close to and around my head
and the sound kept getting faster as the sleep paralysis took
i remember my eyes being open
i also remember feeling myself trying to move my arms and shake my fists
well i actually felt myself do that...
but my eyes were open and i knew my body hadn't moved
so i starting screaming "Jesus" in my head above the noise
over and over again...i tried mouthing it...but nothing came out of my mouth..
im not even sure if my mouth was moving...
then i remember noticing a "pop" color change in my room
and all was silent and i could move.

tonight i've been waking up....basically every hour.
this is far from the first time that ive experienced sleep paralysis..
im not sure whats going on...but i request your prayers.

yippee for coming home to unwarranted hostility and frustrating requests.
yay.

.....

when oh when will this psychotic dance end?
who am i really fooling?

man oh man i look to You.

oh to know You

oh quiet calm.

Father of Lights

raw.
i think that's the best way to describe this
so..open and somewhat vulnerable..
sensitive.
and it makes me a bit nervous.

im being reminded of a lot of things.
mostly from summer..
missions training...the field.
Isaiah 61:1-4
"To the ends of the earth"
thorns in preparation.

sometimes i wonder
and i know you get my tone
less in frustration..
more in amazement
"what do You want from me?"

i trust that You hear and will answer.

ed sheeran

i am in love with him.
stop judging me.

here's a taste.



and this. [i love rupert <3 p="p">

again. stop judging me.
yes im being a creepy little fan girl.
shush.

resolve.

so i realized one day whilst driving in silence/
whining to God
that my approach is sooo fundamentally wrong.
running away from crushing/liking isn't...healthy
and is an expression of my insecurities.
dumb dumb face
ha
self deprecation.
like...cutting myself
to keep from getting hurt.
what?
yea.
i don't think that's what Baba had in mind.
ohhh my dumb dumb.
so i've resolved.
to ask Him to teach me
how not to be a scaredy-cat
oi.
still sooo much to learn.

i don't feel like typing no mores.
so i stop.

actually, actually
i'dd like to run away now

oh my
what the..
what's going on with me todayyyy?
aishigo.
im trying hard to find the root of my frustration
fg was soooo frustrating, i felt so confused.
rocked, but not in the "God, You are so awesome, do it again" way
i feel lost.
wut da hail gid.
maybe it's "the boy"
there's a part of me that really...really wants to cave
but the bigger...probs smarter part of me still says "No, shut up stupid heart."

i feel vulnerable goshdarnit.
and...weird on top of that.
i do not like this feeling.
i do not like it at all.

as always,
more prayer is needed.

dear Jesus,
sometimes i wish that i didnt feel so much.

its really weird how all of a sudden i have this ridiculous urge to stop caring.
you know..like..
when you have so much to do..
but end up vegging and stressing out about how much you have to do?

yes that.
except...this is like with caring
about people and their feelings
about "doing well"..or doing my best.
about loving...people..things...etc..

i just kinda want to be selfish...or just run away.. and not feel cruddy about it.

don't hate me please.

oh God,
may Your love..
Your goodness..
Your greatness..
be so much bigger than my fears..
than the darkness
that seeks to overwhelm and consume me.

give me eyes oh God.
open my eyes to the bigness of Your salvation.

there is this weird urge
to let it end here.
mm good FG.
God is good.
now back to life.
ha.
no.
no.
fiiighhhtt.
disrupt again and again.
oya open your mouth.

this type calls for silence.
past the strums of the guitar..
and the sting of its strings..
just stillness and silence.

but burning in my mind.
"when i thought you were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did you forsake me..
not for a moment will you forsake me.."

....You promise?
ugh
sleep and forget.
sleep fill up the hollow ache.

i dare not trust the sweetest frame.
but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

in Christ alone, Cornerstone.

oh man. truth and truth again.
peace.

some cheese with that whine?

yes.
today blew.
sigh.
lost my retainer = icing on zee cake.
im so sad.

grumblegrumbleRAWR.

sigh.
goodnight.

the issue

this joy cannot be sustained..
by human effort and an ethereal aura..
i cannot lie to myself that i can handle it all.

it can't just be a "good vibes" kick.
He must be my sustenance.
i need Him.
more than the good feelings.

pushing past pride.
for more.
don't be satisfied so easily,
so simple, so small-minded
looong..
seek.
don't sit.
the hole may return bigger..and deeper..
so longgg...and seek.
 and be filled
again and again.

its like..
im away from my hiding place.
so i have to face it.
and trust....that He'll be my hiding place..
when i can't deal..

im frustrated.
i feel as though i always am..
but tonight..sigh.
i feel very stuck..
hm.
ritual cobb salad scene in julie&julia.

ahhh.
ohh be my hiding place.
help me run to...trust in..You.

dreamsdreams

i had a dream that i started dating someone.
i met him with friends just like hanging out
his friend mentioned that he played guitar..
then one of my friends mentioned that i did too..
i responded that i played badly...and for some odd reason somersaulted while saying it.
midway through somersault i wondered why i was somersaulting
..then i heard the guy say "that's pretty cute"
fade into another part.
where we were walking and talking..
i was laughing..
fastfwd
he was attending or working at emory's school of theology
and was about to do a press conference
i think we were betrothed...i dont remember
he was going to announce the outcome regarding the admission stats scandal
and that the source was the theology school
...weird.
i was trying to convince him to get someone else to do it.
because his face would be forever associated with "Emory's shame"
then i had a "flashback" of when we first held hands

then i remember asking him at some point...
"wait...did we talk to P.Nate about this?"
[because apparently when we met he was attending GSU]

and then things started to unravel..
i just thought i'd share that.
ha.

"i will be still..know You are God."

ok, gotcha.

nothing..compares

prodigal.

its almost offensive how much...how deeply.. You love me.
even me.
i should be disgusting to You.
...im unworthy Father.

...thank You..

sometimes..i wonder what im really after here.
hi. im lonely.
and skeptical.
and afraid.
i don't trust easily,
but i need a friend.

help me to open.

then..i fell, hard.

but this time, i fought.
hard.
i felt as though flesh would overwhelm..
overcome.
but He was fighting too.
He was there..
i wasn't alone after all.
all along.

i don't think its over.
perhaps a battle in a little war.
but a battle won nonetheless.

fighting chance.
and, not alone.
PTL.

PD said something to the flavor of.. when you're married,
your spouse is like your sibling.

wut.
hell no.

agh im so frustrated.
what in the world changed from like 5 days ago to now?
whhyy am i so irritable?

oh God, i need you.
more.
ah.
maybe that's it.
more.

its almost tragic,
these feelings..especially after a retreat.
oh man, do i neeed You.
i know what kind this calls for.

ruuunrunnnrunnnnrunnnrun.

in the background.

ball

of feelings.
of...hormones...
of confusion and frustration.
i dunno what's going on with me.
its like some of the old poop is resurfacing
and im so confused about what You're trying to say to me.
but.
something tells me i can come to you with this..
even this.

don't tell me how to follow Jesus,
just leave me alone.
drowning.
pride and disgust.
but.
tis the truth.
AH

just..leave me alone.
let me look for myself..
...because im not sure if i can believe you.
distrust?
not...exactly.

maybe, maybe.
there are still wounds.
festering..deep...but ignored.

its like i can see the tar erupting from my heart.
sticky...slippery..staining...
messy.
disgusting.
sigh..
this again?
time to spend time.

Run.

retreat.

confusion.
lots of it.
i just don't want to think..
haha..
sigh

for the sake of my sanity:
dub.reds.fo.reals.

control

you know..
yea.
don't have it.
exhausting to try to hold on to it.
but...don't have it.
what?

Freedom reigns.
release.

onward.

there it is.
staring at me from the top of my inbox.
rejection email..
mehmehmeh..
:/

buds.

so much has happened.
so much to process.

i intend to start from today..and go backwards.
...sorta.

but for today.
there seems to be something..fishy in the water..
on my end.
not foul..but..present none the less.
and its bothersome.
i don't want it..
...cuz in full bloom it wrecks.
so heart change is the prayer req.
i can't will myself out of ...."feelings"

dub.reds.

"..and its leaf does not wither.."

i actually feel slightly psychotic.
i've been getting really irritated lately..
not only do i get irritated,
but it's as if my threshold for tolerance/acceptance
has been drastically reduced..
in my mind and under my breath..
i snap, left and right..
and my outward response:
cool attitude and rigidity.
sigh.
i don't got what it takes.
so.
help me look to You.
trust that You..will equip me..
and be my Source.
cuz..
i can't muster up the will.
is this what You meant?

be thou exalted

"no great procession
or vain appeal..
...but my sincerity"

shift

in motives.
in desires.
in perspective.

theme: ⁶ Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.
                                                                                                                                            -Zechariah 4:6

strumulum

so much peace.
so much trembling..
but in that trembling...peace.
release.

the bloody hell..
is that jealousy bubbling up?
oh dear...my stupid face.
and dumb, dumb heart.
haha...
dubredsdubredsdubreds.
whew.
bud nipped..
..i think..
oh barf.

cake batter.

so much to carry.
i'd like to run.
but.
i cannot.
should not.
im not sure of how i should feel
maybe im being selfish
maybe afraid....yea, moreso afraid
i don't wanna.
lists?
next step needed.

:/
its weird having this desire to renege on dub reds
but i know perseverance is best.
sigh

there is, all of a sudden..
this odd, but peaceful desire to be "ok" with myself..
instead of trying to "out-cool" her
or "out-hip" him
or "out-fun" them..
i kinda want to try being...and liking..me

hm

frustr

im not ready.
dang it.
i thought i was..
but im doubting that now..

atleast for summer..
dub reds.
meaning: no thinking, no wondering...nothing.

oh God..help me not to be jaded.
and count myself out before anything even begins.

hurricane

"and if destruction's what i need..
then i'll receive it Lord from thee,
yes, i'll receive it Lord from thee"


disrupt.

gurgles

butterflies..
fade then glow.
glances and smiles.

tummy drops..
i wonder if..
sometimes maybe..
am i obvious?

rushrushrush
crumbles

splurts of Life
like air and wind and breath
like a sigh
reminder.
overwhelmed by the Great One.
who can compare?

but.
where are you heart?
where are you treasure?
day after day.
do i? do i?
hmph
in love with the idea..
not with the Being.
truth and sorrow

cravecravecrave
but little action..

Living Water..
desire
fountain..
to be a spring
but
muddled in earthly desire
obsession in present satisfaction
indifference to the eternal.

head knowledge
heart of stone.

movemovemove
stuck: memories, dreams, fantasies

beat. BEAT. imperative.
BEAT with passion.
that starts in the center
and reaches every fingertip
warm breath..
evidence of Life
growth.

BEAT again.
and again.
and again.
.....

needneedneed

"turn your face to me
  turn your face to me
  turn your face to me
  turn your face to me"

...might be the most encouraging words ive heard all night..

can't sleep

today..
i spent a good 30 minutes making up things to say to all the lowlifes who made fun of me in high school.
i practiced saying it so if i had the chance i could basically make them feel the way they made me feel back then..im not sure why im writing this...i think im a little disappointed in myself.

im really slowly giving up hope..
im not really sure what's come over me..
i feel as though im spiraling wherein i see glimpses of light but its not long before im overwhelmed in darkness...in shame..
i feel as though ive completely failed this year..
in relationships: i don't know why...but i feel really distanced/disconnected from most of my class..
in academics: i'd rather not recall the suckage that ive poured out :/
in spiritual growth&discipleship: i feel like im more than a mess than anything and im having a really hard time praying..i remember sharing with leadership team how i found that i saw my self as a casualty to His almighty plan. as if i felt as if my happiness or my sanity were not apart of this great plan He has for me..
i dunno...i know that's not true...but its hard to believe...i know i've failed miserably in lg and fg...i couldve done more..couldve reached out..prayed for..planned..cared..a whole hell of a lot more..

it makes me want to cry to think about this year..all i wanted..ALL i wanted to do was to end well...
spiritually, academically, relationship-wise...
that's it..that's all i wanted..
doesnt look like any of them will happen.

im complaining...i know.
sorry if its selfish...i know it is..
but im...despairing...
and disappointed...in myself
and im distancing..

last night..i drove home alone
bawling like a frickin baby in my car..
i contemplated going home..like to my mom's house..
or going to a beach or the mountains and just staying..
i'd like to run away..
i mess up too much..
and ...it sucks

i wish i didnt feel this way..
but i do..
..

im being dumb.
argh.
french toast sticks.

camels and straw

i don't know if i can deal.

vegetable.
is it really supposed to be...so hard?

i look back...from where i began this..
and i know You're standing there..
but..i can't move.
deep down i know You'll quench..and heal..
but..i can't move.
stuck and extended.

i can't..i just..can't.

sigh..
i can't even look him in the eye.
frickfrack.
:/

heartbroken

it scares me to think about the implications
of...Zimmerman getting off scotch-free..

it scares me even more to think that its actually happened before..

im usually the one to give the benefit of the doubt..
to try to reason things out..
attempt to understand...

perhaps im just naive..

Trayvon Martin could have very well been my little brother..
he may as well have been my little brother..
by His grace..that will not be the portion of any of my brothers.

tonight i asked God why He made us, "black people"
so different from all other races..
why he made our hair texture so different..
our skin so dark?

whenever i watch those movies..
you know..the ones about the jim crow era..or segregation
i wonder..why people hated us so much..
why we were thought to be so inferior..so unlovable..
so undeserved of time, care and even respect?
because of skin-color..
and furthermore...do i have the capacity to hate like that?

what is my response?
a cry for..... justice...?
a cry for...peace?
a cry for redemption?
restoration?
renewal..?
idk...something
something has to change.
something will change? right?...
Jesus come back allreeaaddyyyyyyyy....aghhh

idk who reads this..but if you happen to sign this: http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-our-son-17-year-old-trayvon-martin#

unrealistic expectations.

unfair expectations.
sigh.
stupid heart.
shut it.

guitar.

its a beautiful thing to be wrecked by the One
but a most terrible thing indeed..

He calls me..us to surrender..
let go of ourselves..
our very core of who we think we are..
what we think is best..
what we want the most..

man i don't think i really understand the concept..
yea sure, i'll give God my life..
...but only so i can get what i want..
..of course what i want is the glory of God..
as long as its on my terms and in the way that i want it...

oh man..like a wrecking ball to a glass house..
He came crashing..
and honestly it feels like my entire world has been made to dust..
i can't reconcile it
and in a way my heart is crushed..

now i just want to play..
until the strings cut my fingers
and make them burn and bleed
the way my heart is doing..
until its crooning matches the desperate groans of my soul..

i fear growing bitter, fearful
and odd enough complacent..
but..im excited...
..its weird..i feel like im dying..
like literally selling myself to something..
or rather Someone.. i can't control..
and don't understand..
but im excited...

im scared.
i really am
but..He wants it..?
He'll have it. all of it...all of me.

sometimes

i wonder if i'll ever be satisfied
if my heart's thirst for acceptance will ever be quenched.
head knowledge is not the same thing as heart recognition
and its starting to eat me.
my very core..
from the inside out.

will i ever be satisfied?
i know i keep doing this to myself
it affects everything..
especially ministry..
how am i to show these..
beautiful young women..
how to love Him..
to love others..
to love the woman He's created them to be..
if i fail so much at all 3?

i liken this feeling to an image i had earlier this week:
..there's this huge blue glass vase that's been smashed into pieces..
and i with bloody hands, arms, chest and face, am picked up these pieces..
i start to glue and set them back together..
it starts to take form as a vase and honestly doesn't look half bad..
it looks like i might be able to finish..
then something ridiculous happens
with my own two hands, i smash this vase into even smaller pieces
..and start this whole process over again..
the pieces are smaller, im losing more blood and im getting weaker..

it's useless..i can't fix it myself,
without making it even worse.

well goshdarnit..
i think it just hit me.
duh Tomi..
that's it.
sigh.

oh guard this fickle...weak heart of mine.

...every time i remember
...i want to slam my face against a wall..

haha
that sounds alot more serious here than it did in my head..

flight.

is it weird that this song makes me feel like a superhero?

well maybe not the whole song, but moreso the chorus...
in the moments when i feel the most immobile..
its awesome to remember that the movers and shakers of this world are nothing short of regular people who did something.

idk..there's hope in that.
hope in knowing that we're called to be more than onlookers
more than just watching the rest touch the stars and rock this world..
even moreso in Faith we're called to go out there and put His love in action..
and what do you know His love...changes the world.
there's gotta be a reason that im this age at this moment in history..
i'll never be younger. and my next moment's not promised.

"tonight, we are young. so let's set this world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun."

i remember reading on someone's profile or in one of their pictures or during one of my tumblr stalking journeys a quote by Francis Chan, that i hold to be truth : "Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless its about loving God and loving the people He has made..."

haha i remember saying that instead of wanting to be a dreamer, i wanted to be an actioner.

sounds corny, but:
 it. is. time.

seems as though..

i have 3 choices in this situation:

get upset and angry that things aren't going my way. blaming all else for my misfortune.
be depressed that it keeps coming back to haunt me. blaming myself into a dark, dark hole.
or, pray, accept and let go, trust. accepting responsibility but moving forward in hope and with Faith.

sigh. Matt 6:27
oh life, what a dance...what a dance

crumbling start

sometimes i feel alone..
in a house full of people i feel alone
and trapped.

then sometimes..
i feel as though my support system is unshakable
i feel so secure and loved.

i realized that i have no idea what im doing
i don't know how to do life
at service, during worship..
i wished i could just crumble to the floor in His presence
and feel Him pick me back up again..
and show me how to change..
because ive come to a point
where i know...that i don't know

i feel so small.