can't sleep

today..
i spent a good 30 minutes making up things to say to all the lowlifes who made fun of me in high school.
i practiced saying it so if i had the chance i could basically make them feel the way they made me feel back then..im not sure why im writing this...i think im a little disappointed in myself.

im really slowly giving up hope..
im not really sure what's come over me..
i feel as though im spiraling wherein i see glimpses of light but its not long before im overwhelmed in darkness...in shame..
i feel as though ive completely failed this year..
in relationships: i don't know why...but i feel really distanced/disconnected from most of my class..
in academics: i'd rather not recall the suckage that ive poured out :/
in spiritual growth&discipleship: i feel like im more than a mess than anything and im having a really hard time praying..i remember sharing with leadership team how i found that i saw my self as a casualty to His almighty plan. as if i felt as if my happiness or my sanity were not apart of this great plan He has for me..
i dunno...i know that's not true...but its hard to believe...i know i've failed miserably in lg and fg...i couldve done more..couldve reached out..prayed for..planned..cared..a whole hell of a lot more..

it makes me want to cry to think about this year..all i wanted..ALL i wanted to do was to end well...
spiritually, academically, relationship-wise...
that's it..that's all i wanted..
doesnt look like any of them will happen.

im complaining...i know.
sorry if its selfish...i know it is..
but im...despairing...
and disappointed...in myself
and im distancing..

last night..i drove home alone
bawling like a frickin baby in my car..
i contemplated going home..like to my mom's house..
or going to a beach or the mountains and just staying..
i'd like to run away..
i mess up too much..
and ...it sucks

i wish i didnt feel this way..
but i do..
..