lullaby

tell me a lullaby
sing me a story..
hold me tight and rock me until we're floating
enveloped in your scent..
drifting among the clouds..hidden in the fog

sleep and forget my darling..
forget the day...but remember the happiness
swallow the warmth..let it sit in your tummy..
and bubble into a smile..
dream in sweet melodies..my love..
paint a picture with your heart..

wallow with me..
until the lines flow together..blurry bliss
heaviness draws me back..
and covers me in comfort..
sleep my darling..

man.
soo..close to tears right now..
ive made soo many mistakes this semester..

you know how you pass the scene of a car accident
and you slow down, and shake your head
and though its sad and terrible to look at..
you cant look away?
my semester in a nutshell..
im was determined to rock this last week and end this semester with a bang...

but if its not "this"...then its "that"..
and if its not me...
wait, no, its always me..
its like i cant get a break..
nor do i seem to deserve one..
sigh.
i just want to crawl into a corner and escape.
so close to saying.."im done, i give up..."
soo close.

free range..

well...i regret to say that i feel as though ive gone full circle..
sigh..there's always something...
...who am I?
ive been wondering that for like the past week..
am i REALLY genuine, or am i a randomized collection of my friend's mannerisms..thoughts...actions..
in human form?
even when im by myself.. i.don't.know.
monday, we talked about our function in the church..
i dont know mine yet, nor had i thought much about it, before monday
i guess...
...i think
um...let's just go with "i don't know, and i'm lost".... again.
sigh....there's always...something




...exactly

...so...that asian dude..
in a dream...sorta
i realized who he was..

..HA

....

i feel like i have noone to discuss this with...and its sort of eating my insides..
he moved out...of the house..
i thought i was ok with it...
but now im not so sure.
how am i supposed to feel about this?

lost.

i kinda missed this..

man the search for the substance...one's purpose in this life..
this little life...this wee glimmer in the sun..
can get a little disheartening...when there's chaos..
but mostly when there's silence..

i dont know what im doing with my life...
better yet.. im not sure what He wants me to do with this life's He's given me..
or even what He's doing with this life..
oi..im soo lost

its funny...im kind of ...chill about?
like i think im ok with this...not knowing thing..
i guess ive sort of come to the consensus that loving people...
this is it..
doesn't matter what i end up doing in terms of "career"
loving God first...and...loving people..
...this is it.

where do i even start with this?
re-vive indeed.

going into this retreat, my thoughts, or rather expectations were that i'd get a break from work, from school, basically from my busy life and get a chance to realign with God's heart and purpose for my life..
worship was beautiful and powerful... as usual.
the sermons were convicting and full of power...as usual..
as usual..
as....usual?
i found through the course of the weekend that my heart was burdened, with guilt, with shame, with....fear..
why did i feel as though i had to force myself to worship this great God that i soo desperately wanted to believe in..
whoa..wait..did i just slip there?
"this great God that i soo desperately WANTED to believe in.."?
precisely...in my heart of hearts...i wasnt sure that i actually believed..
was i "believing" just because i was supposed to...
or because i know that i know that i know that i know...
that redemption, grace, love, actually exist...and that it's sufficient to cover my guilt, my shame, ....my fear?

i grew up in church, in a Christian home...
with the Bible basically pounded into the core of my being...
is that a bad thing...?
no...of course not..
but was i jaded towards this God i serve because of it..
eh..i cant go so far as to say that...but i would confess that i felt as though it played a part..

my heart was clouded with who i made God to be...or who i thought God to be..
with preconcieved notions regarding the way that he works..the way that He sees me..
it's like i was so overwhelmed...drowning almost, in my own ideas...my own experiences..
i had watered down my faith...the truth so much that i couldn't recognize it..
my heart was hard...and i wasnt sure where that left me.

with that hard and heavy heart i went through the retreat...legalistically
silently in my mind...praying that God softens my heart...opens me up...
so that i could effectively recieve from Him..

sunday morning, i woke up believing...its over...its all over
and wondering where that left me...
...i wasnt completely hopeless..
maybe...God had something in mind..
maybe...He had something in store..

...during worship.. i cried out to God...
asking, begging to know what was wrong with me..
asking, begging Him to soften my heart..
begging Him to speak to me...
...to not let me leave this retreat...unchanged.
something in me broke..and i sobbed and sobbed...
not really sure why i was crying or what made me start crying like that....

i know... that i know...that i know..
that God spoke to me...so gently...so clearly..
that my slate..was wiped clean..
no longer drowning...no longer overwhelmed...my heart was free.
free to be me..
.not a minister's kid...
not a kid bred in church..
not a leader in the church...
just Tomi.

re-vive indeed.

hey you!
come wifs me k?
lets go get coffee and sweet sugary things
& sit outside on the patio
& laugh REALLY loud until the people studying shoot us death glares..
& lets get a pizza
& eat it in the parking lot on the trunk of your car
& lets talk about everything
& nothing at all
& lets look at the stars...Look There! SEE! It's the Big Dipper..
& then lets go to the beach...no worries..my singing will keep you awake..teehee
now lets sing together out loud so the world can hear us..aww dont be shyy...i wont laugh!
IS THAT THE SUN?
hurry, love, HURRY! we can't miss the sunrise!
lets sit in the cool sand..come come..
lets share my blanket..
& sit in silence...in awe..
let time freeze..
& lets stay here forever ♥

peaceful

i havent the slightest idea of what He has planned for me in the future..
but i do know that what he has planned
is nothing short of amazing.

i've gotten pretty goshdarn good
at ripping my own heart out

but i'm learning..
i confess..incredibly slowly..
how to leave it in Someone's most capable hands

who knows how to take the bloody mess i've made
and  make something beautiful..

....did i mention slooooowwwwllllyyyyy

*sigh*
this is hard.

we make this thing so complicated..
but its supposed to be simple...so simple
you accept. you trust. you submit. you love.
easy peasy lemon squeezy...eh?
not so.

life gets in the way.
emotions get in the way.
responsibilities get in the way.
selfishness gets in the way.

why is this so hard?
"to be held soo tight, i've never felt soo free.."
i really want that to become my point of view.

release.

my whole life is Yours
i give it all
surrendered to Your Name
and forever i will pray..

have Your way..
have YOUR way.

sometimes i wish i were dead..
but suicide is not an option..
i want to be alive forever, with my Heavenly Father...
free from hurt, pain, past, guilt..
....free....
im a burden...and i know it
financially..emotionally
i figure...if im gone...
problem solved.
but...maybe the wish should be that im no longer a burden?
wishful thinking never really gets you anywhere does it..
im being selfish.
but there's a God in heaven...right?
and He's all powerful, sovereign....right?
and He loves...me?....right?
and He has a plan to give me hope and a future....
right?

hahaha..heeheehee..come.on.get.silly.and.laugh.with.me

laughter..
i swear its like the most amazing thing ever
especially when its genuine and comes from deep inside..

like when you fall over and your tummy starts hurting....or
when you start crying....or when you laugh so hard your voice goes silent..

and then afterwards, its like "ahhhhhh"

its like the nectar of my being
the protector of my sanity..
or the indicator of my lack thereof..

after all Proverbs 17:22 states:
"A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones"

i intend wholeheartedly to increase my laughter..
i implore you to do the same :]

kisses for yoouuuu [muaahz!]
-tomisaurus

epiphany.

so..i had a long talk with a good friend of mine yesterday evening
that really sent me off on a thinking tangent, if there is such a thing..
relationships, more specifically romantic relationships..
i guess i have/had thought about it quite a bit, but i feel like its just now sinking in..

1. Its pretty goshdarn serious.Courtship:
So apparently I mistook the definition of this word to mean:
"Hey"...
"Hey?"...
"So I spoke to your father and we have an arrangement concerning our marraige"
"WHAT? I dont even like you....like not even a little bit... like not at all...!"...
"No, but you shall soon.... my bride.."
"O_o "
bahaha...yeaa...YEAA
so as you guessed i wasnt for that at allllll... but after research and reexamination, i find that its so much more than that...

• a. there is an element of attraction, no doubt ...but its not lustful and its not the basis of the relationship/courtship
• b. its an honest and open sort of evaluation of the situation, with marraige as the intent/goal/outcome, without emotional involvement [yea im still digging through that one].
• c. committment & communication.
• d. parental involvement is important...they say "the apple doesnt fall from the tree" eh? im still struggling with this one...pray for me.
• e. love. i've read stuff that say that this should come last and is a decision and blahsyblahsyblaaah...but im still working on loving vertically...so i'll get back to you on that..

2. its nothing that I should be looking for: a good friend shared something with me that her mother shared with her..Proverbs 18:22 says "He that find a wife finds what is good and recieves favor from the Lord"
note that is clearly states HE who finds a wife..not SHE who finds a husband..
honestly..honestly that takes a loooaaad off me...when its supposed to happen He'll come plain and simple.

3. its nothing to rush into: takes thinking, discussion...and prayer...and lots of it!

all in all i just want to have what God wants for me...after all, He knows me best and knows what i need...
i know for myself that im no where near ready for such a relationship...my heart and mind need a bit more work..did i mention pray for me?

i must say that writing this post has given me sort of a peace..im still like freaking out and digesting, if you will, but i feel more at peace that some of the guesswork is gone...and i know that when that special guy comes along his view on this subject will be dangerously similar...if not the same..and that in itself gives me peace.

kisses for youu [muahz!]
-tomisaurus

update.

so my recent posts have been pretty vague
...and depressing >_>
honestly im not completely sure what's been going on with me
i've been up and down in my Faith and im still not sure where i stand..
i havent REALLY had quiet time on my own in a while..

you could say that my heart is broken..or rather torn..
with all the crap going on at home..
as well as my personal insecurity..
idk.
but there's soooo much other stuff going on in the world
stuff that's sooo much worse..
and all i can focus on is me.. bleh
BLEH

everything's just so wrooooong.

wow..
so it all comes out to:
i suck at life
& at being a decent person -_-
...

im definitely torturing my heart right now..
bahahahhaha..and i can laugh about it..
that's a good sign..
right?

frickin.frackin.emotions.
smh

oi...its soo easy to forget the amazing things
but so hard...OH so hard to let go of the...not-so-amazing
to say the least..

its so easy to feel forgotten...misplaced
but so hard to remember that you are loved..







...oi

the drive home

..before i knew it..
the sky grew darker
and the clouds set in..
the air, wet with tension..

my singing stopped
as my heart sank
and i realized that things were changing

fast...
faster than i thought..
than i imagined

nothing would remain the same

as day turned quickly to night
as my drive home soon ended
a flash of bright..but serene pink
and I'm reminded that
"Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul"
Hope..

home now in wait
of the rain..
the rain that brings change..
life change..
but not destruction..
peace.

-with love from the heart of tomisaurus

rant.

wow..
way to show your maturity.
im NOT stupid
its funny that the times that God gives us to show love,
His love
we saunter on by..poo all over it..

and then wonder why we're called holy rollers
hypocrites..
fakes..

checkmate.
you've proven me right.
congrats.

AMI

So...AMI Rev. is over...
yea im going to be selfish and talk about myself first..

hmm..
i guess i feel as though i didnt receive what i expected to..
im left with a sense of
staleness...hollowness...emptiness..
whats wrong with me?


hm..perhaps my intentions were skewed..
wrong even..
perhaps my heart wasnt in the right place..

runaway..

i guess i feel as though i failed?
not only spiritually, but physically..

forgotten..

i have alot on my mind
and
even more on my heart..

even though i feel like this weekend was a fail on my part...God never fails..

with all the sessions...with all the seminars
He's equipped me with the tools to further implore and explore his Grace and Love
and for that reason...im thankful..and excited..

i can honestly say that i have a desire to seek His face and His presence
and how to understand how REAL it is in my life..

prayer...

enough about me..

Susie <3
oi i love that girl..
she's been such a blessing in my life thus far..
living proof of the power of God's love and grace..
she gave her life this weekend..
:]
pause..

beauty in such simplicity..

my heart.

its funny how live brings people together...
and splits people apart..

reminiscing on Freshman year..
on how simple and new and fun everything seemed..
on the people that i thought i'd spend the next 4 years closest to..
on my acidwash skinny jeans

i look back on those times and think...
gosh...i miss it..
ignorance is bliss no doubt..

now i look at who i've become
what i know now..
what i understand..
what i've been through..

there's still a couple of things that i would change..
but where i'm at now..this moment..
and all the pain this past year...that led up to it..
has/had so much purpose..

God has a way of leading us through pain and struggle straight to Him..
this year is one of those cases..
learning about Love, and Grace...was worth it all..
and im still learning..

"but because of Grace, because of Your Mercy..I stand here unashamed.."

kisses for youu [muahhz!]
-tomisaurus

times like these..

sometimes i feel forgotten..
most times i feel out of place..
i feel inadequate all the time..

these times.
times like these
.. are unfortunate

but THEN..

there are times i feel happy..
times i feel at peace..
times i feel loved..

times like these..
these GOOD times..
are what make all this called life
worth living.

i digress
kisses for yooouu [muahz!]
-tomisaurus

you know...sometimes i wish i were pretty.

vent-age

hate.
that's it right there...i HATE this situation
sometimes...sometimes...i despise them both..
sometimes one...sometimes the other..
i HATE thinking about it.
but it exists..all around..
it keeps showing itself...
in phone calls...mealtimes..outings...
even in prayer..and praise and worship

i cant run away
but oh...
oh how i try..

"it shouldnt/doesnt affect you guys"
poppycock.

it destroyed...flattened everything i thought i knew about...
everything..

i HATE this.
inconsiderate.
stupid.
hypocritical.
annoying.
ugly....that's it..

i HATE this UGLY situation.
goodnight.

today..
right now even, I've been revisiting some old Hillsong albums..
stuff from the 90's..
it brings me back to when life was simpler...

we still lived in that little townhouse in College Park, GA
...back then there were only 5 of us..
we attended The Body of Christ Christian Church..
i attended Community Christian Academy..my best friend was Roger..
...gosh life was just so..simple and light..encased with love..
oh how i long to return...

i can see why we tend to dwell on the past...

when the lights turn off..
and the music fades..
will you still be there?

reunion

to be reunited with Love...
pure Love...
true Love..
is to have peace..
peace that passes all understanding

obviously....im FAR from ready...

bed time

checklist..
yea i have one..

1. dirty mouth? clean it up :]
2. find roger
3. pajama pants are for squares...
4. mike isberto + melissa polinar [on repeat]
5. nightlight
6. prayer

just thought i'd share.
had an interview today...for a jooob
pray that i get it pleasepleaseplease

i go now.
kisses for youuu! [muaahhz!]
roger sends kisses too.. :]
-tomisaurus

Acts...

9
im led to think back on a sermon preached not about Saul's transformation to Paul, but on Ananias and his obedience..Ananias had to trust God's judgment and will completely...trust that im sure went contrary his human reasoning...
am i that obedient?
another thing that struck me is God's ability to change and use ANYONE...and we as God's children are called to love and accept all...those who call upon His name and those who do not..
but for those of us called by grace and faith to be apart of the body...are we ready to accept...ANYONE...despite past mistakes or actions?
consider Paul...he was notorious for persecuting Christians and yet...however when he turned to Christ...and began to declare the gospel..he was accepted...to an extent
by those he was accepted by...he became a brother and they did their best to protect and care for him..
are we doing the same?
idk..honestly i feel as though we think we are accepting...non-judgmental..but our actions and attitudes show otherwise..
would we love and take care of the former murderer as we would our other brothers and sisters in Christ..
we all fall short dont we? we're all leveled before the cross..sin is sin..
i think im struggling with this..no..
i know i am..especially when it comes to those closest to me..
Mark 6:4 syndrome no doubt..

sometimes i feel as though this way of life...is too hard...too much to live up to...so much to change...so much to be cognizant of..

wow...listen to me...
"we're all leveled at the cross"...right? but why?
because of Amazing Grace..only by grace...grace and faith are we saved..
that's it.
not by works.
i remember one thing that Juheon said during fg..."there's nothing you can do to make God love you more and nothing you can do to make God love you less"
He loves us regardless..
i'll end there..
something to ponder on..

kisses for yooouuu [muahz!]
-tomisaurus

intentions..

P.Matt has been giving quite a view sermons on the condition of our hearts.
i guess now is a good time...as good as any other to ask..whats the condition of mine?
what are my intentions?
are the pure?....are they glorifying God?

honestly.. i don't know anymore..

i feel as though i don't understand enough..or am connected enough to be certain at all times that my actions are pure in intention..
instead of feeling as though im walking on pins and needles..i want..need a pure heart to be somewhat natural...to be apart of me..
i guess that this would have to start with a renewing of my heart no?

i can say this all day and all night..but the question is do i really want this?
do i really want my pride to broken down? am i willing to have myself disappear behind the Cross? am i ready to release control of my life and let God have His way?

i have alot to think and pray about..
join with me eh?

kisses for youuu [muahz!]
tomisaurus

babynames

so lately, i've been thinking
about kid names and future family?

ideal:
3 kids...1 boy..twin girls

heyhey...dont give me that face
it could happen :]

Aidan, Madeline and Melody
or
Nolan, Amelia and Aida
or...
ok im getting ahead of myself..

oh happy day!
weekend with Donna Donna Dooonnaa
:] that's my excited face :]
okbyyye

kisses for you.. [muahhz]
roger's here too..he sends kisses as well
-tomisaurus

shiest..

i don't want to think...no...no thinking..
it hurts..yea it hurts..
what's it like to have a happy family?
oi..
i want to leave..

sometimes i feel like...goshdarnit
just get it over with..freaking separate
but to pretend like it doesnt exist
keeping up appearances..

makes everything seem like a lie.

taking a minute..

to count my blessings
the ones that i overlooked in my glum glum merr

1. im getting all the rest i could ever get
2. im getting paid to tutor the kid for $100+ a week
3. im sorta getting allowance every two weeks..

so today after prayer i read Ephesians 3..
its amazing how i had some burning questions about God's plan for us...
were the Israelites the only ones that were to recieve God's grace?
was not ALL of the world to be saved?

i thank God for His mercy...
so get this.. His plan from the beginning was to save the WHOLE world..the entire thing..
with His son Jesus..
it was revealed from the beginning..right after the orig sin..
how could i forget that..
how could i ever doubt His judgement..His timing..
gosh we are so forgetful so fast arent we...
i thank Him for His grace and patience

and so jooooy returns and blossoms :]

[love like a hurricane, i am the tree...bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy]

:]
kisses for youu [muaaahz!]
-tomisaurus

so i had the weirdest dream..
i was kissing on some Asian guy...[bahahaha go figure]
i couldnt make out his face though
...that always seems to happen.....

anyways..
that Eric guy with the HUGE arms was making fun of us..
um...i dont even speak to that Eric kid..
WHY was he in my dream?
weird..

i digress
-tomisaurus

seeking

this morning i woke up with a sense of...unhappiness
..doubtfulness and uncertainty...
what if this God that i yearn to know, love and trust...doesnt exist?
what if this amazing Love that i've come to adore is just....a fantasy?
:/ ..what if we're wrong....

i thank God for His Grace...
even in my doubt and uncertainty, He loves me and wants to help and encourage me..
i thank God for His understanding and his Love...
He knows that all i needed was to be reminded of His awesomeness in my life and in the lives of others.
i give Him all the praise..
just to be in His presence in joy :]

kisses for youu [muahzz!]
-tomisaurus

daydream

im a dreamer..
that's supposed to be a good thing right?
the thing about being a dreamer is that action might not be pushed behind those dreams..
so the dreams are left as little bubbles in the sky...
....we're not sure what happens to those...
i feel like my dreams are starting to take that form..

Summer goal #4 : become an action-er

summer is sucking thus far..
Apple is sick...and at the doctor's
i misses her :[

i need a job..
[Summer Goal #1 :get moneys]

because Apple is sick...i cant go annnnyyywhhherrree
today, i slept until 1
GAH. unacceptableee
sooo..ive decided on a workout plan:
8:30-up and devotion
9:00-stretching
9:15- err...we'll see?
[Summer Goal #2: get in shape]

Bahaha i smell an epic faaiiilll
no..NO..
BAHAHA..we'll see

ya know...i miss my worn out acid-wash skinny jeans
i must find another pair
[Summer Goal #3: acid wash skinnies]

DONNA COMES BACK THIS WEEK!!!!
chika chika YEAAA! ~_^

well i should sleep no?
kisses for youu [muahz!]
-tomisaurus

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
B+???
SERIOUSLY???
rawr.
this has to be a mistake
a terrible TERRIBLE mistake

hairr

india arie said...'i am not my hair'

hm...well i am [meh thinkss]
my hair is curly..sorta wild and incredibly unpredictable..
it surprises me alot.
its versatile but can be a tad resistant to change..
it loves...to be loved

i'm not really curly
but the rest is mostly true
i think?
eh..

self-discovery
i guess it comes with age
with experience..
my journey has begun, i suppose, but not without difficulties..

:]
summer has begun..
the retreat was AMAZINGGG
God moved in such a powerful way
left with alot to think and pray about..

i'm getting lazy...oi :/
i'll talk more about that later..

kisses :]
tomisaurus

im procrastinating.

why yes I am. :]
no,no I meant why, yes...I am.. :/
yea..
chem sucks [period]
kinda feel like my social life is in shambles. oh well.
things change. people change, me included.
being by myself for a while will do me some good I suppose?

. . . . . . .

I shall stop before I depress myself.
chem here I come!
no kisses.
no hugs.
just this:
-tomisaurus

I need to reset my heart.

reminiscent. I read back over a few of my previous posts. wow. :) I have alot to be thankful for...

Ms. Black and Gold was last night...Frankie didn't win :/...Bukie did...and I honestly believed that she earned and deserved it. So proud of all of the ladies that performed :)
Last night also made me think of two things 1. How do we measure friendship? 2. Act wisely..

1. How do we measure friendship?
Some of Frankie's friends who I assumed would be at the pageant weren't. I wholeheartedly believe that if someone can drive from Kennesaw to see her friend in a pageant and others can't drive, nor take the shuttle from Covington...something isn't....right..
I wonder what Jesus would think of a situation like this...how would He react?
What would I do?

2. Act wisely..
One of the young ladies in the pageant sang an original song, admittedly she did attack the task quite timidly...she was utterly embarrassed by the crowd's lack of ability to control her laughter.. :/
I personally would have been crying my little eyes out afterward. she wasn't...for that, I applaud her.
How many times have I laughed out loud at someone...without thinking as to how he or she would react? How many times do I do things without any consideration to the other party's feelings? I believe that this comes with pride...good heavens..Lord help me..
act..wisely

on a lighter note :)
Chippy and I designated today to be our "Spring Cleaning/Packing" day..lol its 12:24 pm at this moment..Chippy's asleep, and I'm blogging...we're going to a concert at 2:30...bahaha Fail? we'll see..

hmmm..today its raining..there's something calming about rain..there's also something somber about the rain..

A kid from my hs graduating class died yesterday.. :( I didn't really know him and the memories that I have of him...were those of him making fun of me. :/ I don't know what to feel.
Of course, I'm not heartless, nor cold-hearted, so sadness no doubt is an evoked emotion, but am I grieving? What's wrong with me? Maybe my heart..my mind hasn't recognized it yet?
hm...I think its starting to sink in...this has nothing to do with me..a life has been lost...a mother is without her son, a family without their beloved..Lord comfort them. Its a grave thing it is to see life lost at such a young age...to gun violence..a split second decision at a high price..there's a lesson to be learned in this...cherish life. not only your life, but the life of others as well.
R.I.P. Richard "Richie" Timmons.

well. I havent blogged in a while. I have alot on my mind and on my heart. I should spill so I can focus this week.

-> There's not much time left in this school year. I have mixed feelings about that.
On one hand..I'm happy, no work for like 3 months.
On the other hand..I'm going to miss people, my plans for the summer are faaar from solidified, and idk I'm scared for my g.p.a.

-> My Faith. I'd like to say that I'm completely and undeniably strong in it...that I pray and read my Bible every day...but that's soo far from the truth. I want to love Him with ALL of my heart....
[scratch that.] mid thought...
I'm learning...thanks to a looooooooooooooooooong talk with Father..to TRUST Him, my future is in His hands, all that's left for me to do is trust Him...after all, He knows what He's doing, me...not so much lol. YAY! Thank You Lord! I'm going to make a promise to make time to talk to Him everyday...its a definite must...

->Lately I've been wanting a boo-face...bahaha..[boo-face]...idk maybe I'm just noticing all these couples around me and I'm like goshdarnit...when will it be my turn? in His time no doubt...but wheeen? and listening to Robin Thicke is definitely not helping lol.. I was talking to Frankie about it...she said nothing that I dont already know..."in His time" ...yes..I knooowww.. I guess I just havent really thought too much about it in a while..its a weird feeling with ups and downs...ups..because I know that when it does happen in God's time, it'll be juuuust right and just for me...and just the thought that my Father in heaven knows me so well and has created someone with me in mind..that will help me grow..and who I will learn from but also the opposite...I'll help him grow, and he'll learn from me :] ...downs, because I dont think I've met that person yet..and with that comes impatience, and with impatience come discouragement and doubt.. BOO.
..I like the little sweet things...I also like the BIG sweet things...I like touch. affection...when you see me in my own little world...interrupt me with a shower of your affection. I like compassion and thoughtfulness. cutesy things...not cutesy to the point of barf-worthy...but just sweet small gestures. touch my cheek. kiss my nose. just sit with me in silence. smiiile at me. lay with me in the field and stare at the stars. walk with me in through the park. eww...this is starting to get disgusting..lmbo yeaaa I'm sort of a hopeless romantic..we'll see what God'll do...yes?
merrrr I want a boo-faaaacceee.. fraaann crush..is dissipating...well its goshdarn near squasshed...talked to Shin-he about it..yea. its just a friend crush. merrr

sleep to dream. that's what I plan to do right now.
kisses for youuu [muahz]
tomisaurus

vent.

today sucked. BIG TIME. i hate chem. the situation pisssssed me off. i made a fool of my self...over. and over. and OVER. again. It's like I can't help it. everything little thing bugged me. no iron. wrinkly shirt. was late to class. no clicker. stupid Herschel. GAH! stupid situation. no service. boring lecturer. stupid feelings. merrrr. I tried, I honestly tried to redirect my energy, tried to think on God's will, on my Heavenly Father..then I got depressed thinking about WHYYY I'm at Emory. should i even be here? :/ then..THEN. i didn't see my sunshine Chippy after class :((( .bleh. Delta. great...i was feeling better...now im back to depressed.

Easter. HE IS RISEN!
so. I have something to confess: my heart hasnt been in the right place lately. i'm really not sure if it is now. last week was horriiiibllle...I waited WAY to long to finish that paper.. :/ Literally every moment of my day was filled with writing that darn paper. I refuse to step foot in the library this week. bleh. I lost focus. I know for sure that I was majorly disobedient. I skipped alot of class :/. prayer and devotion sparingly...such a baad week. This Easter weekend..I pray will get me refocused. Lord set my eyes on You, let my never again forget that you are still in control..regardless of what's going on.

Today: i was sooo bummed..I was crazy hurt, I thought Frankie and Ava had their dinner party without me. dude. on the verge of tears hurt. I still don't know whether or not they did. oh well.

Tonight: sooo much fun. dumplings. chopsticks. icecream. mafia/assassins?. praaayyyerrr. fraaan cruuush ;). laughter. I really don't know what it is about them. I really don't, but I thank God for them.

I've been wondering lately how I define friendship. Where do I belong? I've decided to work on my relationship with my Father in Heaven before answering that question.

I should skiddadle..
kisses for youuu [muaah]
tomisaurus

dude. today was awesomenesss. well after the bio test. lol God definitely had all sorts of grace on me concerning that test...Thank You Poppa! :) so after test...food....made sandwiches :D...lab. cute little zebrafish embryos..aww..more food...research for paperrr...more foood? but with family group YAY! played tennis...BAHAHA...that's such an overstatement. i sucked. <--that's an understatement...but sooo much fun! ..then h-mart fail....then tacos...then Donna's place YAYYY! oh Scruffy! I'm sooo blessed to have such amazing people in my life...God has such a way of making things work out for our good...what can I do but to love Him? I'm so imperfect...gosh...so very...but by with His grace and mercy..He can use me regardless.....merrr [friend crushhh] i love finding pics that make me think...yea...that's why..yep...its meant to be... hehehehehe...that is all....Tommorrow I'm planning a special day to just come before His throne for a while...reset my heart...my mindset. this next week is about to be crazy...I'll need all the strength I can get....[teach me Lord to love like you...have looved meee]

sleeptime.
kisses for youu. [muahz!]

today was such an amazing day...I can't resist the urge to blog about it.
bio class...was bio class..plain and simple lol...I GOT TO WEAR SHORTS TODAY! I freakin loove shorts. YAY! after WW with Frankie...I spent the day with Donna. :) :))) we had lunch. we studied. took a walk. played with the most adorable and fuuuun dog you'd ever meet. took pictures. talked. and just relaxed. then din-din. and more studying. I can't help but to thank God for the amazing person and friend He's sent in Donna. We talked for more and about more than I've talked to most of my friends. Such encouragement. Today was soooo pretty...soooo pretty, perfect day to just sit out and enjoy...and we did just that..for hours...and I can honestly say that I don't regret one minute of it..studying in the library...was both a joy and productive...A-G...I love those guys... :) friendcruuushhh...and I leave it at that :)...Lord, thank you....thank you...thank you. You've been so goood to me :D...Please let me never forget Your love. Let me always be reminded of Your grace and mercy in my life. Amen. [...and as we worship build your throne...]

i must sleep now.
kisses for you! [muahz]

..and I return to the same place. garsh. when will things change? am I capable?

imperfection...ouch eh?
To understand or at least sort of understand just how imperfect you are...geez that's quite a doozy..I'm not perfect...incredibly far from it.. There's so many things that I do and regret...or that I dont do and end up regretting. I end up either over-thinking or under-thinking. Like, in the simpler, everyday situations of life...what does God want me to do, how does He want me to behave? How do I live in a way that glorifies Him and shows Him off and not...me. I had soooo much trouble with this today...I realize that it just led to me being selfish and heaven help me...prideful. Gaaahhhh...its like I can't escape this monster inside of me. Then, it dawned on me...or rather He revealed it to me...I can't do this by myself..by nature I'm selfish and prideful..If I try and do this alone its like the blind leading the blind...and where does that get me? yeaa..exactly. How can I say that I surrender ALL...and still try to point myself in the way I should go...and act. Not once did I think, earlier today..."Hm..what would JESUS do in this situation?" Do I even know what Jesus would do? I need to read the Bible more...ALOT more...Pride...its a monster, my love....tis true. I have to learn to understand that I am not greater nor less than anyone...and therefore I have no room at alll to judge. God help me with this..I find comfort however in the fact, that He understands that we are...imperfect..He's patient and will wait for us. and...AND His love...His perfect love will always be there to run back to...no matter what... *sigh* Pray along with me on this one...won't you? It's going to be a daily battle, I know...but...i also know that I have a Savior, that'll right there fighting with me...daily...and with His help...Success is inevitable. [let HOPE riseee...and darkness tremble in your Holy Light]

I think I will take a short nap now.
kisses for you! [muahz]
-tomisaurus

been a while eh?

Well, its been a while my love..
Did ya miss me? hm?
Alot has happened...like ALOT. ALOT.
First semester has gone...sort of a blurr. I was depressed alot. I lost faith. I didn't care.
Well, no, that's not completely true....I was really depressed all of the time though..I felt alone...like I was losing my bestfriend...I still sort of feel that way..mm...crybaby..geesh.
I'd rather not dweel on last semester. This semester..oh this semester.
Its like everything has been flipped upside down..lets break this down eh?

1. School...like the grades and classes part
-> I think I'm failing Chemistry.. :(
I failed the 1st test. I've never failed the first test...maybe the 2nd or 3rd...but golly.
-> Bio is sucking too.
BOO! It's getting sort of interesting though..I'm not failing...which makes me feel like alot better than I do about Chem..
-> My other 2 classes are just dandy...although I'm not crazy about this 20pg paper that I'm not writing right now..

2. Social...
Oh where to begin. Play. I love my Play. I miss my Play. [point blank period] People keep telling me that we'll no longer be bestfriends, after the process. I saw it happening right in front of me...that was part of the reason of my depression 1st semester..gah I'm so needy. I felt as though I was giving and sacrificing so much, without it being noticed or appreciated. My heart's still a bit unsteady about it. Now that she's basically gone, I've had time to think about things..like who am I?..moving along..I made a new friend. His name is Joel...Frankie calls him "The Situation." BAHAHAHAHA! He's nicey nice and sort of gorgeous. We are friends and that is all. :) JCA [more about that later]..made new friends...I'm sorry did I say friends, they're honestly more like family. I'll create an entire post about that later... :D

3. Who am I? [Really?]

This has honestly been bothering me for the better part of the year. Do I act a certain way around certain people? How do I act when I'm alone, by myself? I wonder sometimes, if I'm just like a collection of my closest friends' habits and mannerisms...is anything genuinely me?...Got more thinking to do..if only time allowed..perhaps I should stay to myself for the next couple of days.

Thank God for Francisca, thank God for JCA.
I love JCA. I'm learning that God has a way of making things work out in ways that we could never imagine. Oh, how He loves us. I don't even know where to start.
1st time at JCA, twas like a breath of fresh air...I left with a yearning heart, a heart that was in need of a touch from the Father...and that He did. Oh, how He loves us...how He loves me...even me. Oh and it doesn't end there. He's started to work on me, show me things about myself that I've seen and ignored and even things that I didnt see before...He's changing me..not with force, no...with His love. Just now, right then...I think I felt it, sort of understood it, just how much He loves us...how much He loves me..He has the best in mind for me and He wants to use me...little ol' me..I know I'm being just a tad repetitive, but OH, How He looooves us...me...EVEN me...To just think that He knows me...everything about me, everything I've ever done...everything I've ever thought about...the deepest depths of my hearts...He knows my intentions...my secrets...he knows it all and yet, He loves me, He laid down His life for me, He's patient with me, He wants only the best for me..What can I do but to love Him, and live my life for Him?...to tell everyone about Him...and about His love? After all He has the perfect plan for my life...a plan that quite honestly, I have no idea about right now...all I know is that in His perfect time, He will reveal these things to me... I'm learning to give my life up...its not MY life...I surrender all...Thats another thing..I can surrender...ALL of my life...not just my talents and my happiness, but also my shame, my sorrow, my past, my worries, my burden, my sin....I can give it all up...and He will take it...ALL of it..OH...HOW HE LOOOOOVES US...How He loves me... EVEN...me..[I just thank you Heavenly Father...my Poppa...]
...My heart...she yearns...for more of Him...to experience, to dwell in His perfect Love and Grace...in His presence...at all times...There's NOWHERE I'd rather be..
Peace...that passes understand...I love Him...my Jesus, my Poppa, my Lord and Savior...my All in All...I love Him...and guess what!
..He love me...He always has...

well...I should study.
toodaloo..
kisses for you! [muahz!]