where do i even start with this?
re-vive indeed.

going into this retreat, my thoughts, or rather expectations were that i'd get a break from work, from school, basically from my busy life and get a chance to realign with God's heart and purpose for my life..
worship was beautiful and powerful... as usual.
the sermons were convicting and full of power...as usual..
as usual..
as....usual?
i found through the course of the weekend that my heart was burdened, with guilt, with shame, with....fear..
why did i feel as though i had to force myself to worship this great God that i soo desperately wanted to believe in..
whoa..wait..did i just slip there?
"this great God that i soo desperately WANTED to believe in.."?
precisely...in my heart of hearts...i wasnt sure that i actually believed..
was i "believing" just because i was supposed to...
or because i know that i know that i know that i know...
that redemption, grace, love, actually exist...and that it's sufficient to cover my guilt, my shame, ....my fear?

i grew up in church, in a Christian home...
with the Bible basically pounded into the core of my being...
is that a bad thing...?
no...of course not..
but was i jaded towards this God i serve because of it..
eh..i cant go so far as to say that...but i would confess that i felt as though it played a part..

my heart was clouded with who i made God to be...or who i thought God to be..
with preconcieved notions regarding the way that he works..the way that He sees me..
it's like i was so overwhelmed...drowning almost, in my own ideas...my own experiences..
i had watered down my faith...the truth so much that i couldn't recognize it..
my heart was hard...and i wasnt sure where that left me.

with that hard and heavy heart i went through the retreat...legalistically
silently in my mind...praying that God softens my heart...opens me up...
so that i could effectively recieve from Him..

sunday morning, i woke up believing...its over...its all over
and wondering where that left me...
...i wasnt completely hopeless..
maybe...God had something in mind..
maybe...He had something in store..

...during worship.. i cried out to God...
asking, begging to know what was wrong with me..
asking, begging Him to soften my heart..
begging Him to speak to me...
...to not let me leave this retreat...unchanged.
something in me broke..and i sobbed and sobbed...
not really sure why i was crying or what made me start crying like that....

i know... that i know...that i know..
that God spoke to me...so gently...so clearly..
that my slate..was wiped clean..
no longer drowning...no longer overwhelmed...my heart was free.
free to be me..
.not a minister's kid...
not a kid bred in church..
not a leader in the church...
just Tomi.

re-vive indeed.