fireproof

i was pretty nervous about watching the movie
but figured it wouldnt be as bad, just because im better at handling awkward by myself..

the parallel was impeccable..
with one obvious and blaring exception..

eh.

but that wasn't the ending point..
nor the biggest take-away

i think i got a glimpse of the way that He pursues us..
its crazy to think that the One who owns it all
the One who created it all...created me and my heart..
still pursues...still loves
not only when im passive and just ignoring..
but even when i was totally against Him..
completely at war with Him..
when i kept rejecting Him..
He still pursued and pursues...with love..

you think that'd be enough.
right now..it is..
to turn back to Him
not in response to anything that i've done
but in response to His love and sacrifice.

i give in to the chase
if You can love me then..
what choice do i have?

consistency.
remember.
renewal.

furthermore
when i feel nothing
when it almost hurts to continue
when i feel as though im receiving nothing in this
i promise, to continue
to lean on You and rely on Your strength..

..oh wait..
i'll try?
no.
i promise. as long as You're with me.

Romans 5:8 - “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

my brother just called me pathetic.
its time to go back, now.
forget dealing with anything.

numb.

very...dangerously close to giving up
on everything...earlier..

but its like this little tinkling stream
bubbles up and overflows inside me..
its tiny, no doubt..
i have to remind myself that it's there..

but when im in my darkest..
most hopeless..
it whispers Life and Hope
sometimes im not sure if it understands..

but times like these i know...
it speaks Truth..

so though tinkling..
whispering...so very small..
i'll hold on to it..to this..
hope that all is not in vain..
that You still have more in store
for my life..
in Your plan..
for Your glory..
to my joy..

something's..

in the water...i feel it..
can sense the tides..

time to nip it in the bud.
the past will not repeat itself.

i like..
you best when you are unfiltered.
when your words are not packaged into a pretty little box with a bow..

i like when you say things that i don't expect..
when you say things that tell me that you're being honest..
not in a distasteful or disrespectful way..

but in a way that reminds me that you too are human.

crushed

crumbling crumbling
sigh
its as if i cannot breath..
for whether i inhale or exhale
mistake and failure is at its heels..

"is the Gospel good news to you, Tomi?"
i hesitated.
but, i know it is...
after all...what better news could there be
than that in my depravity, i'm loved
that there's hope that my depravity isn't an eternal condition
one day, those who believe, will be clean and pure
that the whole world will be new and perfect once again..
that there is freedom..
but i know this in my head..
but my heart struggles to believe fully...
to remember
to trust

broken..
all around i see desolation ..
dryness
brick walls..
cracks and blood from my fists
pounding, pounding
more hurt...more weakness
i sit now in the corner
not wanting to try..
afraid i'll mess up again..
more blood, more pain..
darkness
alone with my thoughts
like razors chipping at my sanity
at my heart..
eyes but cannot see
Hope is masked as another reminder
another reminder that i am not good
that i cannot be good
that i am not right..
why do i feel so?
but You said You didnt come to condemn

why can't my little heart believe?
where are you faith?
get yourself together.

i look up now..
staring...obsessing with the Light..
for i know that it is the only hope for change..
nothing else will do....can do
so i'll wait...and i'll hope..
i'll wait and i'll hope...
i'll wait and i'll hope
obsessing,staring, drinking in Your Light..
in hopes that Salvation will come..

self worth

you.
i find that it's in you...in them
that's where i find it..
and you are not perfect.
neither are they..
you all don't seem to notice
or understand what it does to me..
when you say..
when you don't say..
when you do..
when you don't do..

but..but
i can't get upset.
because i knew in the first place what i was getting myself into..
when i placed my worth...
in the hands of those not worthy..
and besides you all were ignorant of my heart's secrets..

don't take offense
because im not worthy to define you..
im not worthy to tell you who you all are..or how much you're worth..
because i am not perfect..or even good.

but how...how do i put my worth in You?
how do i find my confidence...my definition in You?
how do i stop caring?
is that what it takes?
to stop caring?....
but how do i do that in a loving way?

SIGH.
"my happiness is found in less of me and more of You"


k..i'll try that.
come take Your place.

feeling like throwing in the towel.
all of the towels.

lesson learned

assumptions,
no matter how definite
or obvious they might...seem

they can be destructive.

never again..never again.

fail.

fail fail fail
lots of faaaiiilll
im sorry Father..
i feel like i took what you gave me

...and stomped carelessly
all over it..
and im back at square one

broken, bloody, unlovable
mess...

AGH.
frustration.

gracious

oh Father..
im thankful..

You have shown me my ways.
my selfishness..

teach me.
oh Lover..
teach me how to love.

passion.

fleeting... fluttering..thoughts
they litter..

my head..
stupid ideas of romance
and passion and love
that fill my head and push out..
silence, make jest,  of the Truth..

sigh..but is it truly sin
to desire some sort of passion
no, not sexual..but..
some sort of strong all-consuming emotion
that runs one blind and careless in all other aspects
or must all be calculating..rigid...stiff

perhaps my desires are misplaced..
perhaps i dream and project what can never be..
what cannot be good
what cannot be healthy...
even more so what cannot be holy

i see blatantly
the lack of wisdom in my words..
in my desires..
i know You call for..
completion..wholly..holy..
solid.

perhaps there is another passion
that dives headlong into
ill logic...terrible reasoning
completely consuming..
utterly breathtaking..
raw..bleeding..unfettered beauty..
basic..basic...basic..
but so complex..
so intricate and involved
so..filling...every crevice
every crack..
no stone left un-turned
wholly encompassing....

well..hmm..
i guess You are the author of passion..
my definition of passion..
so far removed from the actual..
my desire..so misplaced..so limited..

but..so real to me..
so delightful in smell..
and sweet to sight..
i know deep down..
satisfaction is not the ending...
but more desire..more want..
more aching...
more hollowness..

i know..i know..

teach me freedom
oh Healer..
reveal to me the freedom..
in sweet and complete surrender..

oh Father
...even of this..

run

Hello, Mercy, I have been searching for You lately...

oh heart, if you would...be quiet..
actually..no
..your aches remind me that..this life..
this earth...will never satisfy..
that this earth..our world...is broken..
and no measure of mindless routine, chatter or entertainment
will ever fix it..
heal it...heal me..

Someone greater has to be in control.
im but a product of this broken world...
but in You, I'm redeemed..made new..
no more a product....but a new creation..

oh Lord...when will i believe this with my entire being..
i feel like running..but to where...to whom?
i know the answer to this one...
i've re-enacted it over and over in my head..
i need You...no...no
i need You..

so here i return...broken..
bleeding...bitter...shaken...dirty..
but hopeful..
You make all things new..right?
You make everything beautiful......right?
...i trust...You.
help me to trust You.

how foolish was i to have desired a "break"
in no way can the glimmers of this world fill the emptiness
the God-sized hole in my heart, my life...

nothing can substitute the love He gives..
can compare to knowing that He is mine and i am His...

the pleasures of this world are for but a moment..
a mere breath...so hollow and completely unlike and separate
from the fullness of His presence..

how foolish am i ...

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

United Pursuit Presents: Michael Ketterer from United Pursuit on Vimeo.

full on "man is our God awesome" fests are the best. when i start to forget how amazing He is...moments like these..talks like these help me remember..and spark something deep inside..

in every sense of the word...He's Beautiful.

indescribable

Source: Hubblesite.org

Psalm 8:3-4: 3."When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, 4. what is man that You are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?"

moreso...who do WE think WE are?

sitting here at my little cubicle at work...with this ridiculous smile plastered on my face..but trembling inside...to know that the God...not a god..THE God of the universe...the One who made all of that stuff hanging and spinning and bursting and glowing, up and out there..came to die. not only came to die, but came to die a shameful...wretched death..for you and me...for everyone of us, in a Love that i thought i understood...

seriously though..we are so small...so...fragile..we should be completely insignificant and inconsequential for such a big and glorious God..furthermore...worthless to such a God, who goes far above and beyond to extend His love...and meets rejection and pride and hate....but He keeps...extending and reaching and poking and pulling and waiting...

it makes me want to curse its so ridiculous.

see that picture.....that...thing is floating...somewhere out there...being all glorious and mysterious-like
....and He made that..

oh fickle heart..

shush, just stop.
why must you play these sinister games with my mind?

...shh

oh Jesus help me to see that my only life..
...that abundant life...
is in You...

motives.

on Saturday instead of encouragement...rebuke.
what were my motives?
what are my motives?
am i really doing this for You....or for my own gain?

a call to examine...to analyze...
my depth...my heart.
check-up.

but how?
how do you check yourself every minute of every day..
...without becoming legalistic..
or hopeless in sorrow?
or exhausted?
or prideful?
or judgmental?
....or a hypocrite?
hm

wwJd?

what are you trying to tell me?

i honestly just want to throw in the towel.
im beginning to think that its less of what im doing wrong..
and more of that...its me that's wrong..

maybe im not supposed to be doing this...
and this is God's way of showing me...

i dunno...
i...just..dont know what to do..

funny..

how the shekinah blog just published a post about singlehood.

agh..
i hate these feelings.
inadequacy and imperfection.

i wanna be crushed on toooo..

its like something in me is open
and gushing
filling every crevice..every empty space..
i feel like crying, but sweet joy is my companion
i dont understand
and i definitely dont have all the answers i'd like..
but..even so..
im eternally grateful.
let.Hope.rise

daydreams and flutterbyes

keep the idle heart at bay.
i dream and dream to no avail.
but a smile stays on my face.

the frivolities of a flustered heart..
the crooning from the deep..
the sighs of innocent nothings
oh..whats the matter with me?

i know perhaps these daydreams fade
like mist, they kiss the air..
but the imprint left upon my heart
will take more to disappear..

i have this hard time remembering that You are in charge
YOU, not me..
i know this in my head...but my heart doesnt seem to recognize
im scared...im earnestly freaking out
aand i know this anxiety is to bring me to my knees
to bring me face down before You,
but its like i cant move..

i try to keep reminding my forgetful heart of Your faithfulness
but...i...am a failure..
i need You..and You alone..
i need Your touch and Your whisper..
i need Your presence...to know that You're near..

"i'll be found in You, still standing"
in You, when i'm found in You..
i'll still stand...

but God, i'm scared..
of what?
...i dont know...
but...im scared

but...i know i need to trust You more
here's the motivation...eh?

i apologize

...for my lack of blog-age. ...my brain has gas..
an my heart's nearing flat-line.
pray for me.

why would You want me?
im dirty and wretched
and forgetful and ungrateful..
my righteous like dirty rags..
why would You want...me?

why would You place me in this family?
why would You place me in this position?
im unqualified and irresponsible
im impatient and good at faking..
why....me?

why would You..keep coming after me?
waiting...but not idling..
constantly moving and touching me..
until i return..broken and bleeding..
dirty and worthless...
sorrowful and pitiful..
raw...and open..

and You restore me..
and heal my wounds..
and bandage me with Your grace
You hold me close so i can listen to Your voice..
so i can hear Your heartbeat..

i honestly take this salvation..so very lightly...i forget that He chose me...that i didnt do this myself...that im so unworthy..so wretchedly unworthy..its like Paul said..i'm the worst of sinners...the worst..but He still wants me...by some crazy unimaginable grace...
and by that same crazy, unimaginable grace...He uses me..He uses....me.
honestly...i fail at everything...at life...but in Him..through Him...i know that's ok..its not my ability that He wants in the first place...

and because He loves me so...He keeps breaking me down..
its hurts...it really does..but it's painful to die isnt it?
but at the same time there's sooo much freedom and grace and love and joy?

this...God..

Words...THE Word..
i see It..i read It..
swallow It...digest It..
i can even regurgitate It..

but my heart feels detached.
my mind is captivated..
but my heart doesn't skip a beat..
"help me know You are near..."

comfortable

i've become comfortable in my little bubble
and i cant seem to break out.
i love my little bubble with all my heart..
with my bubble, i've grown and transformed in ways i can't imagine.

but now..though that love still exists..
i feel trapped.. in giving all to one bubble..
i've lost complete contact with the other..
...we..don't think the same anymore
my values are not their values
their priorities are not mine..

we no longer have anything to talk about.
crticism and judgement lies on both sides
"she only hangs out with the asians now.."
"their way of live is so frivolous and empty..."

a wall of silence and fake smiles has been built.
but the longing for reconciliation still exists..
can these bubbles still effectively exist separately..?
can they combine?..
or will one...the former...eventually vanish into thin air...

am i wrong to feel this way? is this supposed to happen?
Lord, teach me how to love..

family matters

they get really messy, really fast.
so i'd just rather avoid it.
and forget that they exist.

but they're there..
waiting for me when i return home.
fine. i accept.
but please, dont attempt to sneak it into convo.
and act as though its not that big a deal..and bring it up lightly.
leave me be.

on another note..im grateful...for the obligations and responsibilities that tie me here..
even when i want to run-away from it all..from all of them..

lights.

no thinking about it.
no fantisizing.
no talking about it.
no analyzing the possibilities.
no brining it up in conversation.

i have to admit that before today i wasnt particularly excited about the womanhood seminar, but in light of certain revelations, im excited and expectant. i need tools and guidance..
self discovery..through surrendering of self.

sometimes when i look back on my actions, my words, my reactions, i'm reminded of my immaturity and terrible..memories of my middle school years come to mind..never ever do i want to return to that place. this time, i pray, will bring healing and true "deeper life" change.

there's so much more i wish to write..
but i don't know how...
or how not to..so that my head and heart isnt clouded with...me.

i almost laughed..

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

oh, ok God, i got the message ♥

havent blogged in a while...and i miss it..
however, i don't think that im quite ready to go back to tumblr...so many eyes.
eyes that i love no doubt...but eyes nonetheless..
3:33am. whyyy am i blogging when in less than 5 hours i must awake for leader's?
oi.

so many things have transpired since i've last posted..
silence...lots o silence happened...and dryness..but no thirst..
then a thirst for thirst and then desperation..fear set in..
more silence and distancing..turning away...forsaking..
but then..movement, a Word..healing and joy..
and now i return to dryness...but this time with a desperate thirst...
with a longing, but true to my sinfulness, no action.
le sigh.

an older sister and i have had interesting convos regarding the brothers in my life.
enough said.
self-imposed and sisterly encouraged double red lights.
admittingly i was scared to shut such a door...but through the weeks..
im realizing that the Tomi that i am now is no where near ready for a green light..
no where near.
regardless, that doesnt mean my heart understands that fact.
once again, enough said.

maybe...just perhaps...some alone time is in need.
some alone time without phone. internet. and...haha people..
to think. to write. to read. to pray.
i dont like being alone...

a new opportunity

to examine who i am and remember..
to silence my distracting emotions
and learn to trust..once again..

today started off kind of awesome. my faith was reaffirmed in powerful and touching ways. im thankful..
midday was swell with park picnic and cuppiecakes.
however, the evening brought..interesting occurences..
collision, plans disrupted, selfishness, disappointment..
and then the hang-over returns
darkness falls as the heaviness sets in..
inadequacy and selfishness rise..with a side of guilt.
i hoped escape would help to heal..
but the wound remains..
only One can heal..can restore..

i need You now.

sobered.

..sigh...
my heart keeps playing cruel, cruel games on me.
well, im sobered and the hang-over is killer..
more painful than i expected..
but sobered none the less..
its funny how i sort of suspected..
but when those butterflies in my tummy start flying..
my better judgment is given the corner to inhabit..
and ignored..
she festers a bit...
and returns now full bloom
"wow tomi, you're real stupid to have hoped..."
i know she doesn't mean it...i don't think..

lesson learned?
i doubt it..
im sure those butterflies will start up again..
and my heart will start playing games..
but..this time...my better judgment will have a voice..
and silence my heart beat...gently..
but for now..
getting rid of the hang-over..
or rather suppressing it..
might have to do..

onward.
a new opportunity..

i've been maaad distracted.

pray for me please.

actually...

let's talk.
let's put it all out on the table.

i dont feel. that might be the problem...if there's nothing impossible with God why do i feel as if this is unfixable? words have been exchanged. feelings have been hurt. lives shaken. but don't dwell on it. don't face it.
you'll feel too much.

i can't even watch movies any more, listen to songs, read books that have to do with broken marriages being restored..maybe its because i believe this situation is impossible..or maybe its because im afraid.
but what if this is God's will...that they're separated...or is it just that God's grace will abound because we are sinful beings?

if the God that she believes in and serves is the same One that he serves and believes in...who's right in this situation? should that even matter to me?

im 20. supposedly i should get married soon. im immature and soo sinful. i feel as though i understand absolutely nothing on this subject and it scares me to death. i see the frills the feeling...on tv in movies..but what happens when the lilies stop blooming and the guitar is out of tune? what happens when the leaves turn colors and the water turns to ice? what happens when we miss a beat and when the hummingbird's injures its wing? what happens then?

i want the real thing..
i won't settle for 'love' alone.

i find that my tumblr is waaay more frivilous than this blog..
its like im closing off different parts of my life, my personality and my heart off to different people.
i find it sort of comforting, which is problematic in my viewpoint...im supposed to be transparent right?

regardless.. to the point of this entry: semester break.
this semester breaak has been loads of changes and sometimes its overwhelming. i started out very, very dry when it came to my faith in and walk with Christ, towards the middle it picked back up and then went to an all time high, now its dwindling again and i don't know how to stop it. ive started reading a book with one the the sisters in my fg: when i don't desire God. i havent read much, but from what i have read im learning that what im experiencing isn't exclusive to me...im not the only one who feel as though im soooo in love one moment and so drrryyy the next. i sort of find comfort in this, but at the same time there's a sense of urgency and disgust...like why aren't we consistent? why are we soo distracted? oi..

just before the break, i fell back into 'liking' a guy that i previously liked last semester...when you're not sure if the feeling are mutual, or even being developed in a direction towards being mutual, liking someone is time consuming and stressful and quite honestly, i'd just rather not. unfortunately, my emotions don't like to listen to my mind's reasoning, so i endure this process for weeks until i finally tell myself: ENOUGH! im at that point now..certain things happened that sort of reminded me why its not worth the stress, especially if those feelings aren't returned, besides, we'll part ways very soon..no sense in starting something now...right? i think im cured. i think.

ive considered the possibility of moving back home..due to the cost of rent. its probably one of the most depressing decisions ive considered. i feel sooo terrible admitting that, because it's been my mom's wish for the longest but, its the honest truth. i feel like i'd be giving up soooo much freedom and flexibility, considering that i live 40-45 minutes away. oi, just thinking about it right now depresses me. so i'll stop. if it makes everyone's lives...haha except mine...a little less stressful, then i guess it's worth it.

i havent really talked much to anyone about my family situation, i find myself attempting to avoid the subject more and more in order to keep my freaking emotions detached from the situation. for that reason, i wont delve into it.

i dont feel like talking anymore.
good night.