like i can't even..
i'd much rather be numb

like i feel so dumb
and insignificant
and disregarded

sometimes i say to myself
i'll leave

i'll drive to north ga or tennessee
and find a job in a diner or something
i'll live out of my car for a couple weeks
until my tips make a place affordable
i'll make sure to send my car payments
but otherwise i'll forget my former life
and just be this waitress
at a diner or something
in north ga or tennessee

people just quit dont they?
walk away and dont look back?

i know i'd regret it down the line
...start missing my brothers
and dreaming dreams again

but right now..
i feel like a shell
a hollow shell

but i'll stay
You're IT, i know it..
but i feel like a dead person
a creature with faded eyes
sometimes im surprised to feel my heartbeat

but You're IT

when Moses said he wouldnt go without You
i wondered if i'd do the same
i wondered if i could tell/pray for others to do the same
i wondered if it was worth it..

ugh i feel so dumb
like an idiot.

..and this is why.. "nope"
nope. nope. nope.

you know i find that without
skipping a beat
i can speak Truth to a friend, brother or sister
its like it comes bubbling
and sometimes raging out

but its like i've been silenced
when it comes to speaking Truth
to myself.

change must come.
hoping and faithing.

you know,
i think bass has the same wavelengths
of deep emotion
its as if
for a moment
as the bass vibrates
that pain
the hollow ache
is filled
and felt
and lessens
for just that moment..

i know i'm still not right
..i can still hear them in my head
the words..

man..words
such power..

on another note
all it took was four words
four bloody words
and all was flattened again

haha
its basically incredulous
like i have to laugh at myself
because im actually ridiculous.

something's not right
i thought i got it all
held it in my hands
but something slipped

there's more, i suppose.

the raging.

You are worthy of my devotion.
i am nothing...but You gave me the right..
the right to chose the object of my devotion.
You chose me whether i chose You or not..
and gave me the right to choose You..
i choose You..
because You chose me first..
because You are worthy
there is no other like You..
no other...

i wanna be like You.
like...uproot my foundation..
be like You..
like rip apart the old
and replace with You
be like You...
like.."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants[f] to continue to speak your word with all boldness"be like You...

is it okay to say
i'm terrified?
i keep saying i'll jump
but..

it can't be like them right?
in their pretty little squares..
with their cute words and trite sayings?
...it can't..
i can't..

maybe i just see the surface..
maybe i'm jealous
either way...im not like that..
or i don't want to be..

i need reality, Father..
like...deep
colorful..uncomfortable
bloody..damn that hurt..
..reality

but it can't be my way..
because we know...so well
that my way is just as flawed...if not moreso..

here, You take it..
i'm just a child
wriggling around in my own mud pies..
frustrated at their inability to taste like chocolate
but afraid to walk away...to let them wash away..
covered in the mud..
afraid to be clean..
because maybe i'll just be another clone
..a carbon copy..
pinocchio wishing to be a real boy

but You..
man...You're something else..
unlike anything...or anyone else..
and so it's You i want..
not the mud...or the chocolate..
You..just You..

that's it.
for me...for them.
that's it.

turn me inside out.

gungor

bumbled, jumbled...

crawling towards coherence

last night the song "the best part" was on my heart

as it reminded me of the mundane part of following Christ

that pastor johann spoke about one session...

so i looked up what the artists had to say about the song

and in some parts i was wary..

but in other ways i was encouraged

to find that in some ways 

our hearts were thinking the same thing

but on really different spectrums

i went on to read other posts

as well as an article about their recent faith journey

i can't say that i completely understand 

the doubt that they or rather michael experienced

and i cant just cast in away either

but i do fear that parts of it sits weird in me

for that reason i feel led to pray.

i appreciate the point he made in the article

that sometimes being a worship leader

produces this assumption that there is no doubt

this picture of stability 

and in this case

although his past ventures have brought

a sort of refreshing light and honesty

back into worship music ...

and the recent ventures also speak to something deep..

faith is amorphous right now..

but that doesn't call for his shunning

step carefully, no doubt..

but by His power

who is able to keep us from stumbling

and present us blameless

show mercy

because He shows mercy

and for that reason i feel led to pray 

part of clarkston missions

was finding that God will meet His people

however He likes

and wherever He likes

and i trust that for mr. gungor.

that the God of the universe can reach Him and restore Him

not because of his striving...but because of who He is..

same for my own life..

i'm finding that whatever faithfulness i have

or exhibit

is in no way all my own contriving

it's His faithfulness that is the beginning

and ending of my own faithfulness

and i can't forget that.

their lives are NOT in MY hands..

they just arent.

i have a part to play...but my part isnt necessarily necessary..

He is all that's necessary.

also read about the blind man

that Jesus healed on the Sabbath

and how homie told the pharisees about themselves

my faith was being strengthened through his testimony and understanding 

3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.

(John 9:3)

...i didnt think that this is how You meant it..

maybe it isnt..either way im encouraged.

humble me Holy, Beautiful One.

remind me who i am ...

and more than that who You are..

part 6..7?

brief notes:

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”

Romans 7:18
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

in short, humbled. more to come.

wandering.

ive never been one to desire a happy medium
maybe deep down somewhere i was
but i never thought myself to be such..
but today during closing
i felt myself just want
to be oblivious
of what terrors
lie beneath the surface
to take status quo
and feel..okay
regardless of what
was actually taking place

i felt okay..
i feel okay now
but i know there're other things
i realized that i felt alone
again alone
i deeply long for tenderness
and intimacy
not the sexual kind...per se
more the deep..connecting
compassionate sort..
that serves and brings life and warmth
and i've been seeking it ..
and longing for it..but not from You.
my brain tells me
that longings of the sort..
that don't drink from the Living Water
ends up distorted ..and empty and dangerous
that what might feel right and good
and whole for a season
dries up and then takes some of you too.

but..
i also feel like when last i called
when last i asked for You to come
You did not...
or perhaps i was unaware
i feel weird admitting that.
but i feel alone.
and i know You have to be the answer
there's nothing else that can satisfy
so please, won't You..
fill the hole
show me Your tenderness
and intimacy
fill that hole
so echoes and shadows have no place
but a reminder
please, something

it makes me feel a little like a freak
like that alien, person, bug thing
from the mgmt set
wandering around on earth
searching for a home
a place to feel at home
but...its not possible
not forever.

i do have hope
a Hope.

yesterday, my dad told me
the story of how he got saved

then...of what kept him
in the youth of his faith.

mom told me of her own journey
a while ago..

i think what's sweetest
about these moments
is realizing
that my parents
who i feel like never show
that they waver in their faith in Christ
had doubts when they were young
even thought to abandon it in entirety
but God
reached them both personally
in a way unique to both of them
not only that..
but He held them.

so..He'll hold me too?

another thought from the morning:
on the tv there was a woman
presenting her favorite verse
twas: Psalm 46:10
she explained that the "Be still" portion
in translation from the original language
means something more like "Let go"
so then...Let go..."and know that I am God"
Let go...trust
and let Him show that He is God.

k.

i think music

has always been that irrefutable link

to Him.

that quiet whisper

that you hardly hear..

but feel deeply..

i played blue for the first time in a while

she was sitting in her case by the door

my fingertips are still raw

and pinch as i tap away at the keys

although my playing lacked skill

and my voice hoarse..

something in me was moved

and music again was the link..

and for the first time in a while

i just wanted to delight in You..

what a sweet gift,

what divine purpose.

thank You, Baba.

there really is none like You.

the recurrence.

ugh this is annoying..
it can't happen
we want different things..
that would probably never compliment
or coincide
and what makes you think it'd happen otherwise

..this is SO annoying.














but...

existential.

these past few weeks
and these past few emotions
are ones for the books.

sometimes i stop
for just a moment
in the midst of the raging
and wonder "what the hell is going on?"

i think...
i feel like a failure..
in life
in relationships
in career
in ministry..
its as if i can't do anything right

that any good change in me is temporal
but the overarching reality of who i am
screams failures upon failures upon mistakes.

i would ask forgiveness for the dark tone
but, eh.

maybe this is deeply true of the human experience
one day we realize...damn..i suck
like i really suck..and i've really sucked for a long time..
and then we get it...
nothing's in my control..nothing..
sure we have our decisions..
but the variables involved in each decision
are innumerable and make waves throughout eternity..
and those variables are out of our control, most times.

today i grappled with the purpose
in bringing me...us into existence
to share lives and laughter and love with people
who eventually we will leave
or have to learn to live without...
the pain i perceived was blinding..
perhaps that's the effect that keeps me from seeing clearly


i wrote in my journal the other day
about how i give myself to fall on the Cornerstone
and should it break me to pieces, so be it..
because i know somewhere deep there is no other answer..
this declaration of my heart was in response to luke 20:18
but i wasnt sure of the meaning
and i researched days later
actually in the depth of an episodic despair

the verse meant the exact..the exact
opposite of what i was trying to convey
and yet it danced around in my head
as if a whisper from God..
shaken to my core..
i felt it deeply and physically..
im still not sure what to make of that connection..
but i've resolved that ...trusting in Christ..
does NOT mean that i am broken to pieces.
but then what?..

another thought.
what if this human experience..
answers "why Jesus?"

logic says
...lose all hope..
all of it.
death is promised anyway..
so what's the point?
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to mess things up..
hurt someone..
so what's the point?
i can do everything right
cross all my t's
and everything can still end horrifically
i can't control any of it...not fully
so what's the point?

suicide was never an option
fear for my soul
and concern for my family
stood against those..
but i've wished my existence away severally..

or..do it yourself.
you save yourself
you make yourself better
you do it.
but..its impossible
we're too fallen to do it ourselves
history proves we make the same
ugly, disgusting mistakes over and over again.
and we think we are the answer?..
if we are...we are doomed.
we were doomed from the start.

and this is why there's Jesus.
why there HAS to be Jesus
because if it's not Jesus..
what else can it be?
triumph of the human spirit?
self-modification?
better medicine?
perfection can't exist with imperfection
because imperfection destroys what is perfection.

nothing else can fix it
all of it..
nothing else can calm my deep anxiety
for my lack of control
except One who has total control
what...Who else is there to hope in?..
because everything else falls...
all of it...all of them
so He has to be the answer..right?

i had a minor-major mental breakdown earlier
like "am i even Christian?"
..."do i actually believe?"
i think i said "no"
and though my outward stoic
my inward was in full panic attack mode
and the confusion set in
not sure how to process that still..
but it sure is hella scary to even remember..

im not sure how to end this
or even if this is the end
but my eyes are drooping
and i think my soul is starved
i think i've starved it.

no turning back, i said...
no turning back.

i meant that...i think..
but i'm so scared to trust...completely
but isn't that what trust is?
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" [Hebrews 11:1]
well..i can't see right now..
but i'm gonna jump
call me crazy..
i think i'm crazy..
but if He says who He says He is...
what is there to lose?

i wish i knew what this looks like
but i don't
but i'm gonna cling,
so help me God i'm gonna cling
and i'm gonna search for You

so help me, God.

what the overwhelm.
i can literally feel my insides raging
and it feels so heavy and dark..

i can hear her screaming..
what the overwhelm.

"I see in Lycurgus, Numa and Mohammed only legislators who, having the first rank in the state, have sought the best solution of the social problem but I see nothing there which reveals divinity...nothing announces them divine. On the contrary, there are numerous resemblances between them & myself, foibles and errors which ally them to me and to humanity.     It is not so with Christ. Everything in Him astonishes me. His spirit overawes me, and His will confounds me. Beside Him and whoever else in the world, there is no possible term of comparison. He is truly a being by Himself. His ideals and His sentiments, the truths which He announces, His manner of convincing, are not explained either by human organization or by the nature of things.     His birth and the history of His life; the profundity of His doctrine, which grapples the mightiest difficulties, and which is, of those difficulties, the most admirable solution; His Gospel, His apparition, His empire, His march across the ages and the realms, is for me a prodigy, a mystery insoluble, which plunges me into a reverence which I cannot escape, a mystery which is there before my eyes, mystery which I cannot deny or explain. Here I see nothing human. The nearer I approach, the more carefully I examine, everything is above me, everything remains grand—and of a grandeur which overpowers.    His religion is a revelation from an intelligence which certainly is not a man. There is a profound originality, which has created a series of maxims before unknown. Jesus borrowed nothing from our sciences. One can absolutely find nowhere, but in Him alone, the imitation or the example of His life."

- attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte

man..i feel like this dude knows Jesus...better than i do..
and he very well might.

oh that i might know You more..please..please.

ugh. UGH.

not making any sweeping statements here

and perhaps this shows my bratty heart..

but i just need half a second to rant..

before i return to planning

but...not having a car..

coupled with living in the boonies

and being active in a church located in the city

is so not the business

and i just wanna throw a fit...because

its not only getting from f-villy to marta that sucks

but getting from marta to specific locations

and from specific locations back to marta.

ugh...like UGH.

...you can't make me.

k. onward.

farewell, almost

i already feel mad childish for even entertaining this.

alas i shall...for i believe the situation to be deserving..

today was the end

and before the close

an interest was sparked

and exchange commenced

but alas...today was the end

and there's no longer a reason to see..

i mustnt dwell..

for the possibility of another encounter 

is nil.

so this is my letter to you, almost

farewell to you, dear one..

so close, yet so far

just friends would have sufficed

alas, that's no longer an option

because the end has come

and that's okay..

so farewell to you, dear one

farewell to you almost,

farewell.

tinklings.

recently:
there was a sweet moment within the past week or so when i remembered what drew me to jca..
there is an earnest heart that i had once forgotten
a deep and apparent belief that the Truth is true..
that relationship is possible and much more...desired..
that You are alive..

furthermore that i wanted You to be alive to me too
that for me too, Truth would be true..
and here i am again.
remind me again...sweep all pretense away
and burn it in Your flames..
and let life spring up from the ashes
a new start and renewed love.

basically: 
"He speaks to my desperate need for self-justification. All day long, I’m justifying myself to prove I’m worthy. I am making myself better than others and comparing my weakness to someone who is weaker than me. I am in a moral race that causes me to laugh at a celebrity’s downfall or to help the poor to look righteous. Jesus destroyed this in the cross by calling us all equally guilty and all equally loved. It was never in us to justify ourselves, but only Jesus can do this."

- J.S. Park [http://jsparkblog.com/2014/04/16/why-do-you-believe-in-jesus/]

and for a sweet moment..
the raging ceased..
and my eyes and ears could sense.
i could love
and i could understand.

on sin.

lately, its been getting clearer
why God can't deal with sin..
why even small things.
He won't just overlook.

and it's beautiful..

small sins..
thoughts..longings.
turn into things..
and the things turn into monsters
that devour our life
and all those around us..

sin cannot be where perfection is...
its not possible..

another somewhat related idea
has also been getting clearer
that because of Jesus's sacrifice..
we don't have to be perfect..
but have been made perfect
through our faith in Him..
meaning..
it's not on us to do good things
to be good people..
so that we can escape damnation..
it's been done..
and my response is key..
oh what a gift..
oh the deeeep freedom!

hi Jesus,
so ...i just don't know..
like i have no idea
and i feel like crying
...but i feel dumb about that too..

...its been gone for a while now..
but i still feel all kinds of crazy.
ugh.

so please...
i'll be here..
because...i just can't.
i can't.

commufunk

i suspect that this is just a season..
another winter that will pass
atleast...that's the hope

who knew angsting about it
could lead to hope?
i love this place..
i know i do..
but right now..
everything inside is throwing a tantrum.

everything falls..
everything does..
it does..
but this
the Source of the stream
that tinkles inside my heart
i know He doesn't
He can't
it's not possible.

i'll wait.
and i will find you here...
even here.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me. 

-Emily Dickinson

i think ive stopped caring..
even more there's this desire
to rebel.

ugh.
stahpit.
ive probably already gone too far
i feel bad..
but not really...

i think im just acting out
...like a spoiled brat
who feels wronged..
just another expression of brokenness

ugh.
stahpit.

something else from tonight..
i don't think it to be a demand
more of a plea...
You can't just be in the places
where i run away to hide..
and not just in cincinnati either..
You have to be here too..
i have to find You here..
i will seek You here..

dribbles.

just had a thought.
ill-formed at best..
but in hopes that twas God-given:

while looking through job profiles
i wondered if i should just avoid
all positions that dealt with controversial topics..
namely sex and sexuality..
for fear of dichotomy
a sharp divide between work and disciple..

but then i wondered
what if we all cowered away..
what if we just stuck to the jobs
that were easy and didn't conflict
...or didnt have the possibility to be messy?

..haven't we....haven't i.. more faith than that?
i really don't know what this looks like in practice..
[emphasis on the "ill-formed at best"]
but i think You wouldn't have cowered..

something a special sister once said
rings in my heart..
"...more believers are needed in public health"
mm

"“The Church needs artists because without art we cannot reach the world. The simple fact is that the imagination ‘gets you,’ even when your reason is completely against the idea of God. ‘Imagination communicates,’ as Arthur Danto says, ‘indefinable but inescapable truth.’ Those who read a book or listen to music expose themselves to that inescapable truth. There is a sort of schizophrenia that occurs if you are listening to Bach and you hear the glory of God and yet your mind says there is no God and there is no meaning. You are committed to believing nothing means anything and yet the music comes in and takes you over with your imagination. When you listen to great music, you can’t believe life is meaningless. Your heart knows what your mind is denying. We need Christian artists because we are never going to reach the world without great Christian art to go with great Christian talk.”
- Timothy Keller

yesss.
it has happened many a times
that i've experienced an overflow
of the love and character of Christ
in a song
or a dance
or a piece of prose
that calls me to wonder and worship Him
many a times i find later
that the authors of such pieces are disciples of Christ
and even more than before
my heart is overwhelmed with joy and worship
sometimes, such  is not the case
[shrug]
but our God uses who and what He will
to show us what is truly good
..to show us His glory..

mm

"I know you" - bellarive

Dry your eyes
I see you
Come inside the doorway
Don't you hide, My child
Place your hand in Mine

I know, I know you
I know you know I love you
I know, I know you
My grace invites you
Home

Life nor death will keep you
You don't have to fear
Nothing comes between us
In the end you're Mine
You'll be just fine
You're Mine
In the end you're Mine

I know, I know you
I know you know I love you
I know, I know you
(You know me, yes, You know me)
My grace invites you
(Your grace, it invites me)

i do not deserve.
it is Your doing.
i cannot take Your glory..
its Yours, all of it!

thank You.
i still don't completely understand
and know things aren't perfect,
but thank You for that too.

You're good.

i almost forgot to note.
that quiet whisper..

right before hitting that drastic turn
i knew that You could heal others
...i wondered if You would heal me
[...if..i do even need healing..?]
"but are you letting Me?"
is what i sensed.

i'm so confused.

chariot

"Chariot" is a metaphorical vehicle for getting to a place in your mind that is a more broken down and laid back. It's somewhere to be just for a moment--instead of being wrapped up and living wherever you're living and consumed with what you're doing. It's a place to release and chill out.
- Gavin DeGraw on "Chariot"

missed you, gav.

more than a place in my mind..
tis more of a place in my memory..
a place that feels like home..
where things are warm
and feeling feels was ..sweet.
now its just confusing
and overwhelming..
and hurts..

tis more of a place..a physical place
a place that feels like a sweet sort of isolation
where i run and find that
in the quiet, You are there
where peace is free
and comfort is natural..
where burdens are laid down
and my heart feels free to dance
and swirl and extend and dip..
where company doesn't impose..
but matches the rhythm
and makes the dance
all the more full and focused.

today was a nice break from the ordinary.

nonsensical.

"i don't fit in your genre don't try to box me"
mmhmm.

i am nonsensical.
not so much frivolous, but more illogical.
perhaps we all are...

i think i get why some artists
that are Bible-believin' Christ-followers
are reluctant to create "ccm"
sometimes the christian jargon...just doesnt fit..
and what does fit..doesn't fit ccm.
[shrug]
but the unfit is beautiful
and raw and deep
and still calls me to worship
and wonder.
who You are
and how You love..

maybe i'm like the unfit too
the way i process
and understand
and am drawn..
sometimes doesnt fit into the jargon
the associations unseen...
somewhat inexplicable..
but moreso felt..
and only those who feel it too..know

i don't make sense..
i really don't.
and sometimes i wonder..
if that's okay with You..
and if You understand..
i think You do..
hope and faith You do..
the Omniscient, isn't it?
i suppose that include this..yea?

His bride.

we're a lot like the awkward shaped puzzle pieces..
not everything aligns
and sometimes we don't fit..
many time forgotten or misunderstood..
things are...different here for us..
that we've grown to understand..
but that's part of what binds us..

in the same respect...i sense..
or at least hope
that underneath the criticism..
and discontent..
there's a deep love..
a deep gratitude..
for this community..

nothing here's perfect...
nothing here can be..
but even in this flavor of brokenness
its beautiful to find
that the Father, the Head, the Helper..
see it all and still love her...
and for that reason...we, i, too
will love her..

tonight i felt like we were in a relationship..
the church and i..
and twas weird...but..
no no still feels weird..to confess
that i was hurt by her..
and sometimes she made me feel unwanted..
unheard..
like an outcast in my own home..
but yet..
i wouldn't trade her for the world..
she is God's great gift to me..
providence in the sweetest form..
ive been so blessed..
and i am so grateful..
i am..
and i do love her, the church..
of this i am convinced..
even though it doesn't feel like it..sometimes
...but what relationship is perfect...here?

my heart threatens to rebuild walls..
well to be honest,
i dunno if they were ever really torn down..
maybe weakened..
but ah...the desire to strengthen..
disheartened at best...devastated at most..
not so much cautious treading..
with understanding...and grace..
more along the lines of ..
calloused retreat..
an entire upheaval of the idea of true trust..
true acceptance..
true love..
but maybe that's too much to ask in the first place...
but then what?..
this all may just be loneliness speaking.
meh.

i'll end this post here.

present help?
You have me there.

i'm still going to say..and do
stupid things aren't i, Father?

sigh.
i suppose it comes with this human condition.
eh?

[shrug]
at least You're here
that's all that matters
all that matters

grant me the sensitivity
to hear and sense
and follow.

some many feels today..
in a way i feel spent
tired...but not so able to sleep .

on the one hand:

but on the other hand,
the buck has to stop somewhere
i remember seeing myself
whilst in my car driving home
i saw myself
in sort of a crazed anger and energy
bursting forth
screaming...screeching
"it ends with me!"

this inner healing stuff..
man
the drawers are springing open left and right
and i feel like im sitting on the floor just watching it happen..
my heart is divided
...perhaps this can just be dealt with later
..maybe i should just get over these things
there are more important thing to be dealt with..
maybe these things are trivial
and im ridiculous for letting them eat at me
or for demanding a response and clarity to them..
feelings too feels...
its so overwhelming..

but in the same breath..
can You really heal...like they say You do?
its felt so temporary before..
and i fall to this place again..
and shove. shove. shove the drawers shut.

well..
they are open..
if i stew i get overwhelmed..
but they're open..
so what now?
where to even begin?
how does this even work?

i can already feel myself..
nope, nope, nope..
let's just shove and come back to it later..
or forget the drawers exist.
yea, right.

Father...what now?

on another note..
watching her vid
and listening to the words..
though the cinematography is right up my alley
the thought dawned..
and frustration ensued
there has to be more than this
the frivolity of a meeting a new guy can't be
where new life begins
the uncertainty is almost certain set-up
for destruction
and draining of the heart and soul
until emptiness and loneliness devours
and the thirst for that "new beginning" aches deeper..
there has to be more than this.
ugh ts, UGH.

this morning..

..is not the business..
oy...i can already feel myself shrinking back..

i realized while staring at my frying egg whites,
that i withheld a lot of opportunities for people
sisters..
to get to know me throughout the years..
i can feel myself wanting now
more than ever
to divulge..
to cave and actually trust
and open up myself fully
for inspection..
but the thought makes my stomach
light up
with anxiety induced moths..
not even butterflies..
have i always been this afraid?
...why am i so afraid?

what about this makes it so hard?
ive already shared things that i
never thought i would ever share
with anyone..
secrets that i told myself i'd take to the grave..

but right now...
this moment...
going out on the water..
feels like the mountains crumbling
and being thrown into the sea
like the earth giving way
...actually
not quite that dramatic..

but i recognize that i feel crazy right now
and guilty?
and...ashamed?...what?
...sigh..
Father..let me know Your love, please
please, please.

myriad.

post fg.

note one:
absence makes the heart grow fonder?
heart, you stoopid.
ugh.

note two:
you're charming
and you dont know it
and you don't mean to be
more ugh.

note three: humbled.
though more observer
than contributor
it dawned on me..
my own pride keeps me in isolation.
i posed a concern
and immediately regretted..in fear
that my ignorance and naivety would be exposed..
and i'd again feel small.
but perhaps..just maybe..
i should be exposed..
in order to learn..
in order to be corrected..
and grow.
but..that stuff hurts.

its the weirdest dichotomy of the heart..
im the "big sister"
always have been...always will be
i must offer.
but..that gets tiring
and confusing
and frustrating..
and i so long to be the baby..
the fed one..the attended to..
sometimes..
but with that, i suppose
comes not knowing
and saying stupid things
and exposing just how much i don't know
and not having it all together
and messing it all up
and getting it all wrong
for me a lot of this is an inward battle..
i take what im given...be it sermon, the Word, meet-up convo
and stir it around in my head...
input computes and output proceeds
but perhaps, im not the scum of the earth
if my head needs some help grasping.
but...i don't know how..
but...i do know that "they don't understand.."
"they don't care.."
"i can't relate.."
won't suffice if the opportunity is never given.

bottoms up.
here's to the plunge.

introversion

i realize that i treasure..
moments alone..
where im unknown ..
a mere observer..
no attachment, no responsibility..

my dribbles on a page are my own
my thoughts and desires
my dreams revisited
and hopes restored..
tis sweet.

in the same breath,
i love being around people..
i may not say much
but..i enjoy the presence..
the words, the laughter..

i wonder if there is a line..
where my quiet,
nearly desperate craving for isolation
is something other than personality
and dives deeper.

no i know there is a line...
maybe blurred and subtle...
but it exists..
my recognition however..
can be flawed.

but right now..
this moment..
is nice
and in a way...i dread the return
where other things are revisited
and i am called to feel again..
but this too...this moment
will become just as loud and unbearable..
in a way...im glad..

minor chords.

paired with bass
...especially paired with bass
invokes some deep reaction..
and ripples through my emotions.
it draws out something that i can't express in words.
or quite yet understand.

harrison bergeron

the loud drowns out the thoughts.

there's so much more to deal with
muddle through
and for the first time i feel wildly unprepared..
i mean, i never had all the answers in the first place..
but this time is different.

is this a for-the-rest-of-my-life thing, Lord..
because right now ..its  certainly overwhelming

i feel so small..
and unwanted..
but stupid..
ugh.
stupid feelings..
agh...

i'd much rather sleep.

and there are those moments..
where im so deeply shocked..
...and im sure there's a side to it that's anger..
that im saddened..not by my own state..
but by the natural world..
by the human race..
that i realize all i can do..
that i might not feel overwhelmed..
is pray..

agh..oh God..
but it's a liiieeee
he's lyingggg
what prayer? what understanding? what opinion?
how dare he? he doesn't know what he's doing..
and in a way that's SO scary..
people are watching and people are listening..
ahh but to gain the world and lose your soul?
that's one thing...but to drag others along..
ahhhhh
alas...You warned about this didnt You..
protect our hearts and mind oh God..
You are victor, YOU are victor.

needed this to be recorded somewhere
so that i can refer and remember
when i don't want to ..

honestly for me..
prayer, a good chunk of the time feels like nothing
yes there are those sweet sweet moments
when i feel heaven and earth touch
and everything is overwhelmed
and yes, at times..the thought of the providence
of prayer alone
leaves me in awe..
but a lot of the time..
i don't feel too much move
in those moments..
i dont feel His presence..
and though i trust He's listening...
i feel like im talking to the air...or the wall..
..after all why would the Creator and King of the universe
give audience to a being like me?

remember, Oluwatominsin, remember
in these moments,
that the prayers of your parents
for you all those years..
even when you sighed and grumbled..
and when you felt like maybe they didnt see
how fruitless you thought it was..
were answered.
maybe not all of them..
maybe not in the way imagined..
maybe not at the time..
but they were answered

much more..
those prayers that you prayed, girl.
the ones that you've forgotten..
the ones you've prayed for years..
the ones you pray in haste and desperation..

though all seems silent..
something.. something is shifting in the spiritual world
understand..you may see nothing...for a long time.
[lol or it you may see the answer moments after..]
but God is at work and He is faithful..
as ethereal as it sounds
something deep and powerful is happening..
when you, we pray..
wait for it..
and while you do..
look back...look hard..
and remember what He's already done..

and don't you dare stop.

a passage comes to mind:

2 And the Lord answered me:

“Write the vision;
    make it plain on tablets,
    so he may run who reads it.
3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:2-3