some many feels today..
in a way i feel spent
tired...but not so able to sleep .

on the one hand:

but on the other hand,
the buck has to stop somewhere
i remember seeing myself
whilst in my car driving home
i saw myself
in sort of a crazed anger and energy
bursting forth
screaming...screeching
"it ends with me!"

this inner healing stuff..
man
the drawers are springing open left and right
and i feel like im sitting on the floor just watching it happen..
my heart is divided
...perhaps this can just be dealt with later
..maybe i should just get over these things
there are more important thing to be dealt with..
maybe these things are trivial
and im ridiculous for letting them eat at me
or for demanding a response and clarity to them..
feelings too feels...
its so overwhelming..

but in the same breath..
can You really heal...like they say You do?
its felt so temporary before..
and i fall to this place again..
and shove. shove. shove the drawers shut.

well..
they are open..
if i stew i get overwhelmed..
but they're open..
so what now?
where to even begin?
how does this even work?

i can already feel myself..
nope, nope, nope..
let's just shove and come back to it later..
or forget the drawers exist.
yea, right.

Father...what now?

on another note..
watching her vid
and listening to the words..
though the cinematography is right up my alley
the thought dawned..
and frustration ensued
there has to be more than this
the frivolity of a meeting a new guy can't be
where new life begins
the uncertainty is almost certain set-up
for destruction
and draining of the heart and soul
until emptiness and loneliness devours
and the thirst for that "new beginning" aches deeper..
there has to be more than this.
ugh ts, UGH.