this morning..

..is not the business..
oy...i can already feel myself shrinking back..

i realized while staring at my frying egg whites,
that i withheld a lot of opportunities for people
sisters..
to get to know me throughout the years..
i can feel myself wanting now
more than ever
to divulge..
to cave and actually trust
and open up myself fully
for inspection..
but the thought makes my stomach
light up
with anxiety induced moths..
not even butterflies..
have i always been this afraid?
...why am i so afraid?

what about this makes it so hard?
ive already shared things that i
never thought i would ever share
with anyone..
secrets that i told myself i'd take to the grave..

but right now...
this moment...
going out on the water..
feels like the mountains crumbling
and being thrown into the sea
like the earth giving way
...actually
not quite that dramatic..

but i recognize that i feel crazy right now
and guilty?
and...ashamed?...what?
...sigh..
Father..let me know Your love, please
please, please.