wandering.

ive never been one to desire a happy medium
maybe deep down somewhere i was
but i never thought myself to be such..
but today during closing
i felt myself just want
to be oblivious
of what terrors
lie beneath the surface
to take status quo
and feel..okay
regardless of what
was actually taking place

i felt okay..
i feel okay now
but i know there're other things
i realized that i felt alone
again alone
i deeply long for tenderness
and intimacy
not the sexual kind...per se
more the deep..connecting
compassionate sort..
that serves and brings life and warmth
and i've been seeking it ..
and longing for it..but not from You.
my brain tells me
that longings of the sort..
that don't drink from the Living Water
ends up distorted ..and empty and dangerous
that what might feel right and good
and whole for a season
dries up and then takes some of you too.

but..
i also feel like when last i called
when last i asked for You to come
You did not...
or perhaps i was unaware
i feel weird admitting that.
but i feel alone.
and i know You have to be the answer
there's nothing else that can satisfy
so please, won't You..
fill the hole
show me Your tenderness
and intimacy
fill that hole
so echoes and shadows have no place
but a reminder
please, something

it makes me feel a little like a freak
like that alien, person, bug thing
from the mgmt set
wandering around on earth
searching for a home
a place to feel at home
but...its not possible
not forever.

i do have hope
a Hope.