i kinda wish she didn't mention it.
now all sorts of things are floating in my head.
no...no not this again...

dumb flutterbyes.

i have another month to do one of my applications.
omg.
YES.

im so dumb.

and as i watched him lay there...
his face thinning
his belly swollen and raging..
as i watched him look on..
almost empty in gaze..
almost pleading..

solomon's cry came to mind
"vanity of vanities.......all is vanity"
i feel the time is short..
i fear im losing hope..
i desire that he knows..
that he understands..

what good does his titles do him?
what good does his money?
oh God...
crying out in desperation..
i know Your way is good and perfect..
open his eyes...show him Your way..
let his fears and thirsting end..
and true life begin..

its a hard thing i ask..
impossible...i know..
but You do the impossible..
You do the impossible..
please...pleassse.

its one thing to hear it.
again and again,

another thing entirely
to believe it..
not because they said so..
but because its true.

mid-musings

is this Your way of asking for all of me?
..but are You truly enough?

i don't know that my heart is so willing..
i suppose this is where the thankfulness come in..
thankfulness for...rules..parameters..

i know You're good.
i've expereienced it.
over and over..

i don't think i believe it..
or am i worrying
over trivialities..
i mean...i like what i like..

maybe i do rely..
maybe that's the problem..

one once said of a break-up
that its when you can't see life past current state..
when you can't see living any other way
is when you're doomed.

i don't know that i can see past.
maybe this is what this time is for..
40 days..
i can live without.
but...don't want to ..
but what ...who...do i value more?
are You enough?

i wonder what longing hides behind this..
what desire...what hole..
what futile attempt to fill it..
please...reveal...show me the way..
promise You'll hold my hand
and won't drop me when it gets sticky..
and when i don't want to look
and when i don't want to turn away..
please.. don't let me go..
i can see how im torn..

i trust that You love me.
...and that You know best.
i'll cling to that.

you know what.
i don't like rules.
or being told that i can't or shouldn't do something.

something in me resists.
sigh.

maybe i think i know better..
or don't see the purpose..
because...i think i know better..

pride issue..
or...more?

agh.
its like some weird monster..
some parasite
raging inside of me..
like a web..tangled
and restless..
lots of frustration..

sigh.

i kinda feel like a stale piece of bread.
dried out.
not moldy..
still kinda tasty..
but only reminiscent..

im hearing things..
but not sure im listening..

want..
but...not want..

eh.

sicknasty.

dude.
everything hurts.
this sucks.

thinking about otr again..
brings a weird pang to my heart
...i welcome it..

my heart still beats for that dark place..
that dark place with so much...Light..
and for that im thankful..

sometimes i think i know what im in for..
what to expect..
and in a way...i do..
but..
i know He's bigger than my few, small experiences..
and He can do bigger things than i can imagine..

man..im so psyched.

You have to bring the growth oh God..
the heart change is in Your hands

it makes sense
no one can come to You unless You lead them..

it cannot be done by persuasion
or poking..
or prodding

so..what can i do..but rely upon You?

i am the little sister..
the momma
the cute sweetheart
the biffle
the bro
the "safe" one

im the one you'd probably never consider..

and in a strange way..
and probably an unhealthy way..
i find that comforting

i get to see the real you.
the not prepackaged you.
i've seen you drunk
angry..
i've seen you break a couple hearts..
cry..
say things you don't really mean..

and me? ...im the voice of reason
the one to set you straight..
and remind you that girls are real people..
who make mistakes..
and hurt..
...and fart too..

don't take this as bitterness..
its a far cry from it..
ive come to accept this position..
to embrace it...
...oddly..

i enjoy having brothers..
have had them all my life..
a guy's perspective...is cool to have access to..
a good guy friend is somewhat hard to come by..
im grateful to have quite a few..

but sometimes...
only here and there..
it kinda sucks being the one you'd probably never consider..

there are times when i think to myself..
"man...life would be easier if i weren't a christian..
..i wouldn't have to do all these ...things..
or...think so hard"..

but.
i can smell the legalism in this one..

relationship over religion...abi?
sigh..

i know that You are IT.
the end
and the beginning
and "..to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life,..."

oh heart..
change my heart..
remind me..

i have to remind myself that im on the winning side of this spiritual battle..
and the winning side is the actual winning side..
though the darkness seems overwhelming
and ever-growing...and inescapable..
though its tempting to sit and watch and wait..
the Kingdom is at hand.
the Kingdom is progressing
and the power of darkness cannot stop it.

little pockets of grace.