...i wonder
if ive made a grave error
in ..staying in atlanta

sometimes i feel like an ornament on a shelf
that interesting looking one
that you got at that street market
in that exotic place one summer
you'll stare at me for hours
marvel at the curl of my hair
and the gold in my eyes
in awe of my vibrant colors
and how i stand out
but blend in so seamlessly
you wonder sometimes
what's my story
why my story
how my story

but i'm an ornament
only to be observed
not to be held
and read and read again
and understood and welcomed
and worn in like a good book

but i'm interesting to look at
and to marvel at..
and only that

i'd rather be the good book.

ive written before about the deep connection between music and my lived experience of this reality----and others.
lol i sound really mystical there, haha, but i think it expresses my point.
i attach music to joyful events
to sorrow
to life stages
to embarrassment and failure..

as a result
i have my fallback of playlists
to accompany each of these seasons
furthermore...
songs that i dare not listen to,
lest i relive an experience or event

i found this to be painfully true
and....sad, to be honest
to give up music i loved...or still love
because of some painful or uncomfortable experience..

this gives sooo much power to the experience
to those moments
to that person
to that event..

power that's really undeserved
and unwarranted

no. no longer.
for freedom i was set free.
for freedom.
i think that freedom means this too...
freedom to feel emotions...to feel pain
but not be bound by these things

so no.
sure, it's gonna sting a little bit tomes..
sure, you'll wince and cringe at the memory
but, you are free.
....and free to overcome
and move on
and learn
and grown
you are free.

[insert eye roll]

literally every time.
so bloody distracting

but he aint everything
and he can't be...as much as i think i'd want him to be.

sigh..but so distracting
so bloody distracting.

i should be finishing my midterm,
i really should
but another friend got engaged today

and i have this moment
where i stare at the screen
and think..
damn..but can i just get asked out?
hah, i'm such a selfish monster, i am
im happy for my friends
i am
believe me i am
but...buuutt..
meh.

i always said that when i see myself
in the future
i get a picture of me running
and running
not away from something
but the action of my life,
the pace of my life,
is running

and i would say
that i need someone who can "run"
at the same pace or faster
but right now..
as i stare at this midterm
and this engagement announcement
the running feels daunting
and scary
and tiring
what if what i need
is someone willing to take my hand
and walk a while?

i dunno.
but this is also a pretty selfish perspective
what i need
haha.

i wish i could trust my emotions.

on another note..
well sort of in the same tune
self focus is so detrimental
in any sense
i was reminded tonight
why community, why fellowship
and twas pretty sweet
was also reminded today
why college ministry
and twas just as sweet..

i wanna go where You lead
...where You are working
and moving...and that's just it..

i sense that some clarity was also given.
feeling more sure of the city.

now on to this midterm.

when im sad,
or upset:
i eat cake.
lotso cake.

feel like all this week
i've been craving, craving, craving

craving solace from my schedule
and studies
and midterms
craving escape
dreaming of mountain getaways
and foggy mornings that clear into bright blue days
sunny afternoons and crispy evenings for star gazing

craving being romanced
by some Jesus-lovin, tall, stocky, dimpled boy
with soft eyes, a sweet sort of crooked smile
and a taste for quiet adventures and coffee
dreaming of still, sun and food-filled mornings
and slow, intentional walks
genuine laughter and dancing to music as magical as our mood

craving solitude
where my dreams, thoughts and i
can be alone with my God
no agenda
no others
no plans
no emails to send
or papers to write
dreaming of silent dates
with listening ears
and a small still voice
quieting my anxious heart

my anxious heart
that craves, craves, craves...

#lenting

i feel guilt
maybe its because i spent more than i should be spending
in the past 3 days
maybe its because ive been planning nonstop
for every meal
to make sure these next few weeks are a breeze
and cost effective
but from my reading this morning
im convicted that this isnt the point
im convinced that this isnt the goal
it's to look to You, isnt it?
to do Your work
to be Your hands and feet----
isnt it?

but ive been really focused on me
how i can make this time bearable
how i can plan to make things go smoothly
how these things can benefit my health
and justifying my distraction
over and over again..

well, Father
today...my response:
----i turn to You.
i'm sorry for taking things
and making this time about me
i don't know the steps
to make them not about me
so, i turn to You
and ask that you lead the way..
give me Your heart
Your dreams
show me how to do things
Your way..

im an awkward person...
sometimes i feel as though it's kinda cute
to admit that im awkward
but every so often, i feel like i make some grand discovery
or have a massive epiphany
supporting my conclusion that "i'm an awkward person"

and it's sort of devastating
and makes me wonder how often
my awkwardness is misconstrued as cold
or has frustrated those that don't know me very well
or has pushed people away
...or has ruined the opportunity for relationships..

sigh...relationships
i don't think i understand how to maintain
or sustain those..
i think i've learned the most
through people who are gracious enough
to stand by and tell me about myself
when i falter, or hurt them...or make a mess of things
...is there a way to get around that though?

i think about this especially so with male friends
the same with female friends, i suppose..
some are just natural, where the click is automatic
and conversation and fun flow like water
others take a bit more grace...
but soon enough mold into something a little rougher
but solid, nonetheless and beautiful in it's own rite.
others need a lot more grace
and feel like a roller-coaster ride from start to finish..
and the finish is usually silent and not sharply painful
...but more like a dull ache that lingers and flares every so often

its funny that i've prided myself on understanding guys
because i have three brothers..
but i know nothing really...

ugh.
is this just more loneliness flaring?
that's annoying

but i'd like to get better, you know?
i almost want to write
"i just want to be a normal functioning human being"
haha...but i'm not the type
at least that, i get.

i want to be friends with the people
that i worship with..
you know?
with the people that i serve with..
sure i may be awkward..
but i'd like to have valuable social interactions
and relationships..

i'd like to get better---
much more, be better...you know?

anxiety.

the first question in this week's bstud asks something about what causes anxiety
rather..i'd like to address what anxiety causes
its as if my heart decides to work overtime
and not at all...all at once
i get gassy..and stomach pains to boot
i can't think, pray, focus
"___ must be resolved
___ must be resolved asap"
i feel as though my insides have been emptied out
and a hollow, empty ache is all that remains
an empty ache that's different from sadness..

moments like these i turn up the bass
and let the wavelengths fill that empty ache
just for a moment
just for a measure..

but im just substituting and i know it
i realize that even this
this moment, where i kick into self-preservation mode
anything and everything to fill the ache
must do now
i must do
and must do now
and must do again..
this moment, too, has to belong to You.

on another note ---
i felt the bitter well up in service
and i couldnt figure out why the bitter
as i know plenty of guys who serve
with their whole hearts
in and outside of the Body

typing about it now,
i can feel the bitter and anger welling up again
like,where the hell are the men of God
who are willing to go out,
and take risks,
and be uncomfortable,
and boldly stand on the front line...?


...im being unfair,
i know i am
as i mentioned...
i know plenty of servant-hearted brothers
who do take risks,
and deny comfort,
and step forward to stand on the front line..

...but damnit, this is my blog
and this is how i feel
and i am frustrated.

ugh.
maybe i'm getting tired
or am starting to burn out

or maybe i'm lonely
and this is my pitiful response..

and here is my rebuttal
"He pulls me close,
with nail scarred hands,
into His everlasting arms"

i got this image a couple days ago
of being hugged by Jesus
as in He was hugging me
my arms were clasped to my chest
and His arms surrounded me
and it was also as if i melted into Him
as if He was not completely solid
but solid...at the same time
and He felt warm and ..complete.
and i felt so safe and so wanted
so loved and so cared for..

my heart melts every time i think of it
and i just want to sit there
and wade and wade...

so this is my rebuttal,
to my bitterness and anger
to my anxiety and self preservation
this is my response.

tears for fears

i feel quite clever about this title

but cleverness aside..couldnt have been truer tonight

im embarrassed now by how far i let it go

but grateful to be home safe and sane

uncertainty is a fear.

fear that no matter how careful

how calculated ...

everything conceivable

can still go wrong

and end in disaster

fear that im in control

and at the same time

that i haven't any control

wasting time is fear.

fear that the life that He gave

was wasted on the unnecessary

that more coulda, shoulda, been done

leaving just heartbreak

and empty space.

and the physical ache to accompany it.

a thought came during the 

conversation on the ride home

maybe the point in finding this uncertainty

and not wanting to waste time

is not to fear death

but to live life

live everyday like its the last

not to be paralyzed by the fear of the uncertainty

but to take each breath

and each day 

given with grace

and live every moment

like eternity is waiting.

to live everyday as if you know its your last.

i feel like i just said the exact same thing

like four times.

but that's okay

i see

and feel even deeper

You'll take care

and i'll give in.

help me when i forget, please.

because i will forget

and perhaps even fear again.