anxiety.

the first question in this week's bstud asks something about what causes anxiety
rather..i'd like to address what anxiety causes
its as if my heart decides to work overtime
and not at all...all at once
i get gassy..and stomach pains to boot
i can't think, pray, focus
"___ must be resolved
___ must be resolved asap"
i feel as though my insides have been emptied out
and a hollow, empty ache is all that remains
an empty ache that's different from sadness..

moments like these i turn up the bass
and let the wavelengths fill that empty ache
just for a moment
just for a measure..

but im just substituting and i know it
i realize that even this
this moment, where i kick into self-preservation mode
anything and everything to fill the ache
must do now
i must do
and must do now
and must do again..
this moment, too, has to belong to You.

on another note ---
i felt the bitter well up in service
and i couldnt figure out why the bitter
as i know plenty of guys who serve
with their whole hearts
in and outside of the Body

typing about it now,
i can feel the bitter and anger welling up again
like,where the hell are the men of God
who are willing to go out,
and take risks,
and be uncomfortable,
and boldly stand on the front line...?


...im being unfair,
i know i am
as i mentioned...
i know plenty of servant-hearted brothers
who do take risks,
and deny comfort,
and step forward to stand on the front line..

...but damnit, this is my blog
and this is how i feel
and i am frustrated.

ugh.
maybe i'm getting tired
or am starting to burn out

or maybe i'm lonely
and this is my pitiful response..

and here is my rebuttal
"He pulls me close,
with nail scarred hands,
into His everlasting arms"

i got this image a couple days ago
of being hugged by Jesus
as in He was hugging me
my arms were clasped to my chest
and His arms surrounded me
and it was also as if i melted into Him
as if He was not completely solid
but solid...at the same time
and He felt warm and ..complete.
and i felt so safe and so wanted
so loved and so cared for..

my heart melts every time i think of it
and i just want to sit there
and wade and wade...

so this is my rebuttal,
to my bitterness and anger
to my anxiety and self preservation
this is my response.