im an awkward person...
sometimes i feel as though it's kinda cute
to admit that im awkward
but every so often, i feel like i make some grand discovery
or have a massive epiphany
supporting my conclusion that "i'm an awkward person"

and it's sort of devastating
and makes me wonder how often
my awkwardness is misconstrued as cold
or has frustrated those that don't know me very well
or has pushed people away
...or has ruined the opportunity for relationships..

sigh...relationships
i don't think i understand how to maintain
or sustain those..
i think i've learned the most
through people who are gracious enough
to stand by and tell me about myself
when i falter, or hurt them...or make a mess of things
...is there a way to get around that though?

i think about this especially so with male friends
the same with female friends, i suppose..
some are just natural, where the click is automatic
and conversation and fun flow like water
others take a bit more grace...
but soon enough mold into something a little rougher
but solid, nonetheless and beautiful in it's own rite.
others need a lot more grace
and feel like a roller-coaster ride from start to finish..
and the finish is usually silent and not sharply painful
...but more like a dull ache that lingers and flares every so often

its funny that i've prided myself on understanding guys
because i have three brothers..
but i know nothing really...

ugh.
is this just more loneliness flaring?
that's annoying

but i'd like to get better, you know?
i almost want to write
"i just want to be a normal functioning human being"
haha...but i'm not the type
at least that, i get.

i want to be friends with the people
that i worship with..
you know?
with the people that i serve with..
sure i may be awkward..
but i'd like to have valuable social interactions
and relationships..

i'd like to get better---
much more, be better...you know?