i should be finishing my midterm,
i really should
but another friend got engaged today

and i have this moment
where i stare at the screen
and think..
damn..but can i just get asked out?
hah, i'm such a selfish monster, i am
im happy for my friends
i am
believe me i am
but...buuutt..
meh.

i always said that when i see myself
in the future
i get a picture of me running
and running
not away from something
but the action of my life,
the pace of my life,
is running

and i would say
that i need someone who can "run"
at the same pace or faster
but right now..
as i stare at this midterm
and this engagement announcement
the running feels daunting
and scary
and tiring
what if what i need
is someone willing to take my hand
and walk a while?

i dunno.
but this is also a pretty selfish perspective
what i need
haha.

i wish i could trust my emotions.

on another note..
well sort of in the same tune
self focus is so detrimental
in any sense
i was reminded tonight
why community, why fellowship
and twas pretty sweet
was also reminded today
why college ministry
and twas just as sweet..

i wanna go where You lead
...where You are working
and moving...and that's just it..

i sense that some clarity was also given.
feeling more sure of the city.

now on to this midterm.