to the core.

the blow of all blows
and i buckled..
i no longer feel..

i can feel myself closing..
and building walls...
i can't see..

i can't feel anything..

i looked into the sky tonight..
but i just saw darkness..
i saw the stars...
the moon was bright..

but i just saw darkness...
i just saw darkness..
darkness....

how can this be?

i am wounded..
and have left the wounds to fester..
in someways reopening them..
trying to bleed out..
that the pain would leave
and i could move on..

but i just keep losing blood..
and..
and..
strength..
where are You?
please...pleasee..please..
i need You..i have nothing left to fight with...

all they do..
is give me more reason to run from You.
so they must be discarded..

rock blankin' bottom.
am i too far?
have fallen to far from Your reach...?

i can't hear You..
Your Word says that nothing...nothing can separate us.

must fight to believe..

i just wonder..
.what exactly do i want?

i feel like im going in circles..
hella unstable..

i try to convince myself that
this ..or...that will satisfy..
some deep craving..
for acceptance and affirmation..

i know...
but i know...its all lies
and the hollowness continues to dry me out..
and leave me gasping for air..
or..drowning quietly..

hm
i don't have answers..
and feel a little like an idiot
..ha..i sure did have answers a couple weeks ago..

where are they now?
i've been left with myself..
and ....i've never really liked myself..

all those drawers...
slam slam slam shut.
makeup and glass masks.
don't shatter just yet..

but..

but..
would You still call to me?
can You hear me?

uh

sometimes...
sometimes i feel..
like im missing out on life..

truth's all i want..

defenses.
they are low.
and taking time to rebuild.
sometimes there're splurts of life
and things fall back in to place..
sometimes i fall back
and tear them back down..
with my own two hands..

i was thinking this morning..
or rather asking myself
"is He really worth it?
...is He really enough for you?"
if He never blessed me..
if my life sucked...
...and was filled with nothing but pain
and discouragement..
would knowing Him be enough?
being with Him...is that enough?

deep cries out to deep..

it could only be You..
who else could call to my soul...
from the depths of the darkness ..
the dryness of these walls that i've built ..
these distractions i've run to..

i've tasted Your sweetness..
Your life..
and my heart can't just...
drop it...
even this..
this is Your doing..

oh but You already know..
how fickle my heart is..
how quickly i run to ...them
how my heart longs for this...or that..
or what just being with You
couldn't possibly fill...

but You're IT
You have to be...there's nothing else..
nothing else..

i think...i miss You..
sorry i've been gone for so long..
i've missed You..

regret.

i could've been a better friend.
i could've pushed myself further..

is there no chance for reconciliation?

i miss them.
but will always remember the times we shared.

my choice was my own.
and so much good has come of it.
but...i can't deny that people were hurt..
and for that...i have regret.

i could've been a better friend.
i can be a better friend.
i will be there.

tension

it's very apparent now..
i've tasted of the Living Water..
so for it my soul longs..
but my flesh also longs..

i've seen the Truth..
the lies may try..
but they cannot win me over..
my heart has been won.
but still..there is this craving

i think it's hardest to see what's black and white..
in a sea full of greys..
its so easy to be lulled by the greys..
and even numbed..
but something..Someone inside..
reminds me what stands..
and what will not.

the great divorce..
there isn't room for the petty..
in the Greatness...
no room..
all or nothing..

what does that mean for here?
oh God...where feet may fail..
religion doesn't hold up..
but i trust that You are bigger than religion
and tradition
and a set of guidelines..
that Your relationship with Your creation..
goes so much deeper..
the Cross breaks so much logic
so many ideas of justice and fairness..

mm im sorely confused.
it feels so simple
but so complicated..
i wonder how You deal with it all sometimes..

what can i do...but come to You?