i apologize

...for my lack of blog-age. ...my brain has gas..
an my heart's nearing flat-line.
pray for me.

why would You want me?
im dirty and wretched
and forgetful and ungrateful..
my righteous like dirty rags..
why would You want...me?

why would You place me in this family?
why would You place me in this position?
im unqualified and irresponsible
im impatient and good at faking..
why....me?

why would You..keep coming after me?
waiting...but not idling..
constantly moving and touching me..
until i return..broken and bleeding..
dirty and worthless...
sorrowful and pitiful..
raw...and open..

and You restore me..
and heal my wounds..
and bandage me with Your grace
You hold me close so i can listen to Your voice..
so i can hear Your heartbeat..

i honestly take this salvation..so very lightly...i forget that He chose me...that i didnt do this myself...that im so unworthy..so wretchedly unworthy..its like Paul said..i'm the worst of sinners...the worst..but He still wants me...by some crazy unimaginable grace...
and by that same crazy, unimaginable grace...He uses me..He uses....me.
honestly...i fail at everything...at life...but in Him..through Him...i know that's ok..its not my ability that He wants in the first place...

and because He loves me so...He keeps breaking me down..
its hurts...it really does..but it's painful to die isnt it?
but at the same time there's sooo much freedom and grace and love and joy?

this...God..

Words...THE Word..
i see It..i read It..
swallow It...digest It..
i can even regurgitate It..

but my heart feels detached.
my mind is captivated..
but my heart doesn't skip a beat..
"help me know You are near..."

comfortable

i've become comfortable in my little bubble
and i cant seem to break out.
i love my little bubble with all my heart..
with my bubble, i've grown and transformed in ways i can't imagine.

but now..though that love still exists..
i feel trapped.. in giving all to one bubble..
i've lost complete contact with the other..
...we..don't think the same anymore
my values are not their values
their priorities are not mine..

we no longer have anything to talk about.
crticism and judgement lies on both sides
"she only hangs out with the asians now.."
"their way of live is so frivolous and empty..."

a wall of silence and fake smiles has been built.
but the longing for reconciliation still exists..
can these bubbles still effectively exist separately..?
can they combine?..
or will one...the former...eventually vanish into thin air...

am i wrong to feel this way? is this supposed to happen?
Lord, teach me how to love..

family matters

they get really messy, really fast.
so i'd just rather avoid it.
and forget that they exist.

but they're there..
waiting for me when i return home.
fine. i accept.
but please, dont attempt to sneak it into convo.
and act as though its not that big a deal..and bring it up lightly.
leave me be.

on another note..im grateful...for the obligations and responsibilities that tie me here..
even when i want to run-away from it all..from all of them..

lights.

no thinking about it.
no fantisizing.
no talking about it.
no analyzing the possibilities.
no brining it up in conversation.

i have to admit that before today i wasnt particularly excited about the womanhood seminar, but in light of certain revelations, im excited and expectant. i need tools and guidance..
self discovery..through surrendering of self.

sometimes when i look back on my actions, my words, my reactions, i'm reminded of my immaturity and terrible..memories of my middle school years come to mind..never ever do i want to return to that place. this time, i pray, will bring healing and true "deeper life" change.

there's so much more i wish to write..
but i don't know how...
or how not to..so that my head and heart isnt clouded with...me.

i almost laughed..

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?"
Jeremiah 17:9

oh, ok God, i got the message ♥

havent blogged in a while...and i miss it..
however, i don't think that im quite ready to go back to tumblr...so many eyes.
eyes that i love no doubt...but eyes nonetheless..
3:33am. whyyy am i blogging when in less than 5 hours i must awake for leader's?
oi.

so many things have transpired since i've last posted..
silence...lots o silence happened...and dryness..but no thirst..
then a thirst for thirst and then desperation..fear set in..
more silence and distancing..turning away...forsaking..
but then..movement, a Word..healing and joy..
and now i return to dryness...but this time with a desperate thirst...
with a longing, but true to my sinfulness, no action.
le sigh.

an older sister and i have had interesting convos regarding the brothers in my life.
enough said.
self-imposed and sisterly encouraged double red lights.
admittingly i was scared to shut such a door...but through the weeks..
im realizing that the Tomi that i am now is no where near ready for a green light..
no where near.
regardless, that doesnt mean my heart understands that fact.
once again, enough said.

maybe...just perhaps...some alone time is in need.
some alone time without phone. internet. and...haha people..
to think. to write. to read. to pray.
i dont like being alone...