OMG.
i dreamt that i was getting married.

well i actually remember the first part of the dream..
a bunch of us were going away some place..
think cabin-trip-esque
i remember quite clearly
that outside in a parking lot, one of the guys got really warm
and attempted to take off his undershirt
but took off his shirt accidentally
and the girls cooed and called
it was weird.
really weird.
i remember he said...pretty embarrassed "...omg..its not that impressive, guys"
then i remember this montage of guys with no shirt..
but when this was happening i remember thinking..
"wat da hail."
then then it cuts to a scene before my wedding ceremony..
we were about to leave our getaway...
and then all of a sudden i was getting ready for the ceremony..
i remember that i was holding up the entire thing because i couldnt find a pen?
them my brothers came to see about me and help me find a pen
then an "older sister" from the farrr past came to help me and give me advice
and to see if i was ready to get married..
we found a purple pen that i rejected at first...
but ended up accepting..
i don't really know why i needed a pen so badly..
then i remember going into a room and praying..
i remember telling God "this is all happening so fast..."
then i remember rushing out to the place where everyone was..
and putting down a long carpet..
then the groom said to me "don't worry about" and smiled..
then....i remember going to the back of the room...right outside to get ready to walk down the aisle
i remember thinking at the end there "OMG WHAT AM I DOING???"
and i started panicking...
i remember thinking that this was nowhere near how i dreamt that my wedding would be...
my parents weren't there...
the place where were having the ceremony was cruddy and dank
and the ceremony itself was...kinda small and mediocre
i remember church fam being there..
well more specifically p.josh and p.nate..
then i remember the minister had us open up in prayer..
i remember sort of collapsing to my knees, dress and all
and asking God if i was making a mistake..
[omg im sweating writing this]
then i remember seeing flashes of pictures of the future
where we were out and about with other ppl...at church events...and stuff
and we were happy and i remember imagining our dynamic while attending those events..
and i felt better..
i also remember p. nate talking about going to the gift shop and had bomi go with him
....i think he and another pastor had a bet about falling asleep first..
since they both didnt sleep the night before?
i...dunno...
then my alarm went off and my mother came into my room.
wat. da. hail.

i remember that i knew the guy..
our relationship was cordial...and...sweet...
i remember knowing who he was...
but for the life of me
i can't remember his face..
or name..

sigh.

tired eyes.

watching and pondering romcoms seem to make my insecurities flare up.
i have lots of those.

shaaattttupppp
there're worse things going on in the world.

sigh.
shut up.

Mark 5:36

"But overhearing^[a] what they said, Jesus said to the ruler of the synagogue, 'Do not fear, only believe.'" 

adieu

ha..not nearly as dramatic...or heart-breaking as this song..
not even the same sort of situation.
ha..but it was the first song that popped in my head
when i made the decision.
white flag.
but its okay.
i feel dumb writing this..
because it's almost as if im bowing out..
of a fight that doesn't exist..
according to what i tell myself..
it doesnt even exist inside my head..
im ridiculous..haha i really am.
but i concede to you imaginary victor.
you have my vote.

again.

this time i remember the dream sorta welll..

the first thing i remember is that people were drinking
i remember brianna yang passing me...but i don't know her...
for some strange reason i knew it was her..
i remember there being vodka on the counter..
and i remember a certain sister was there too and she had had a couple shots..
i remember thinking and i might have said that i never had shots..
then i remember thinking about shots of baileys..
next part, completely separate
we were all on like these bleacher like steps...
they looked like them but they were sometimes big enough for a table
and were cushiony enough to be a comfy bed
i remember Chris asking me if I wanted coffee
and i said yes, that i wanted it sweet..
i remember reaching up a couple steps to get the cup of coffee
then i remember turning around and like facing my desk or something
and i was listening to "kiss me" by ed sheeran
i remember i played it twice...
i remember a girl near me commenting on how she liked a cover of the song..
next erither tonia or ibs was beside me
we were laying down and talking...
i remember her telling me that she woke up, went to work
then went to school and that it was overwhelming
i remember that she had some nude shimmery lipstick on..i really liked it apparently
next,we were in what looked like a version of my old art classroom
the low tables, the chairs, mr. nichols was there..
but i also remember chris and prisca being there
i remember chris asking prisca if she could help out since she would be sick and miss the flight to otr..
i remember not remembering that prisca was planning on going to otr..
i think i asked him why prisca wasnt going any more...because i didn't get how she knew that she would be sick then...
he explained something about seasonal sickness...and that his and my schedule alternated...
im not really sure why that mattered
then i remember me, chris, and mr. nichols were putting up the chairs..
i remember i put up a chair and then got suuuuperrrr tireddd
i think i put a chair over my head and told myself i would just close my eyes for a few moments
i remember snoring and seeing my black boots..
i remember being surprised that mr. nichols or chris didnt notice
so i thought i'd sleep some more
then i remember that i thought i should try to wake up...
-now to real life-
weird i dont exactly remember how it started...
but i do remember hearing things close to and around my head
and the sound kept getting faster as the sleep paralysis took
i remember my eyes being open
i also remember feeling myself trying to move my arms and shake my fists
well i actually felt myself do that...
but my eyes were open and i knew my body hadn't moved
so i starting screaming "Jesus" in my head above the noise
over and over again...i tried mouthing it...but nothing came out of my mouth..
im not even sure if my mouth was moving...
then i remember noticing a "pop" color change in my room
and all was silent and i could move.

tonight i've been waking up....basically every hour.
this is far from the first time that ive experienced sleep paralysis..
im not sure whats going on...but i request your prayers.

yippee for coming home to unwarranted hostility and frustrating requests.
yay.

.....

when oh when will this psychotic dance end?
who am i really fooling?

man oh man i look to You.

oh to know You

oh quiet calm.

Father of Lights

raw.
i think that's the best way to describe this
so..open and somewhat vulnerable..
sensitive.
and it makes me a bit nervous.

im being reminded of a lot of things.
mostly from summer..
missions training...the field.
Isaiah 61:1-4
"To the ends of the earth"
thorns in preparation.

sometimes i wonder
and i know you get my tone
less in frustration..
more in amazement
"what do You want from me?"

i trust that You hear and will answer.

ed sheeran

i am in love with him.
stop judging me.

here's a taste.



and this. [i love rupert <3 p="p">

again. stop judging me.
yes im being a creepy little fan girl.
shush.

resolve.

so i realized one day whilst driving in silence/
whining to God
that my approach is sooo fundamentally wrong.
running away from crushing/liking isn't...healthy
and is an expression of my insecurities.
dumb dumb face
ha
self deprecation.
like...cutting myself
to keep from getting hurt.
what?
yea.
i don't think that's what Baba had in mind.
ohhh my dumb dumb.
so i've resolved.
to ask Him to teach me
how not to be a scaredy-cat
oi.
still sooo much to learn.

i don't feel like typing no mores.
so i stop.