i should be finishing my midterm,
i really should
but another friend got engaged today

and i have this moment
where i stare at the screen
and think..
damn..but can i just get asked out?
hah, i'm such a selfish monster, i am
im happy for my friends
i am
believe me i am
but...buuutt..
meh.

i always said that when i see myself
in the future
i get a picture of me running
and running
not away from something
but the action of my life,
the pace of my life,
is running

and i would say
that i need someone who can "run"
at the same pace or faster
but right now..
as i stare at this midterm
and this engagement announcement
the running feels daunting
and scary
and tiring
what if what i need
is someone willing to take my hand
and walk a while?

i dunno.
but this is also a pretty selfish perspective
what i need
haha.

i wish i could trust my emotions.

on another note..
well sort of in the same tune
self focus is so detrimental
in any sense
i was reminded tonight
why community, why fellowship
and twas pretty sweet
was also reminded today
why college ministry
and twas just as sweet..

i wanna go where You lead
...where You are working
and moving...and that's just it..

i sense that some clarity was also given.
feeling more sure of the city.

now on to this midterm.

when im sad,
or upset:
i eat cake.
lotso cake.

feel like all this week
i've been craving, craving, craving

craving solace from my schedule
and studies
and midterms
craving escape
dreaming of mountain getaways
and foggy mornings that clear into bright blue days
sunny afternoons and crispy evenings for star gazing

craving being romanced
by some Jesus-lovin, tall, stocky, dimpled boy
with soft eyes, a sweet sort of crooked smile
and a taste for quiet adventures and coffee
dreaming of still, sun and food-filled mornings
and slow, intentional walks
genuine laughter and dancing to music as magical as our mood

craving solitude
where my dreams, thoughts and i
can be alone with my God
no agenda
no others
no plans
no emails to send
or papers to write
dreaming of silent dates
with listening ears
and a small still voice
quieting my anxious heart

my anxious heart
that craves, craves, craves...

#lenting

i feel guilt
maybe its because i spent more than i should be spending
in the past 3 days
maybe its because ive been planning nonstop
for every meal
to make sure these next few weeks are a breeze
and cost effective
but from my reading this morning
im convicted that this isnt the point
im convinced that this isnt the goal
it's to look to You, isnt it?
to do Your work
to be Your hands and feet----
isnt it?

but ive been really focused on me
how i can make this time bearable
how i can plan to make things go smoothly
how these things can benefit my health
and justifying my distraction
over and over again..

well, Father
today...my response:
----i turn to You.
i'm sorry for taking things
and making this time about me
i don't know the steps
to make them not about me
so, i turn to You
and ask that you lead the way..
give me Your heart
Your dreams
show me how to do things
Your way..