im an awkward person...
sometimes i feel as though it's kinda cute
to admit that im awkward
but every so often, i feel like i make some grand discovery
or have a massive epiphany
supporting my conclusion that "i'm an awkward person"

and it's sort of devastating
and makes me wonder how often
my awkwardness is misconstrued as cold
or has frustrated those that don't know me very well
or has pushed people away
...or has ruined the opportunity for relationships..

sigh...relationships
i don't think i understand how to maintain
or sustain those..
i think i've learned the most
through people who are gracious enough
to stand by and tell me about myself
when i falter, or hurt them...or make a mess of things
...is there a way to get around that though?

i think about this especially so with male friends
the same with female friends, i suppose..
some are just natural, where the click is automatic
and conversation and fun flow like water
others take a bit more grace...
but soon enough mold into something a little rougher
but solid, nonetheless and beautiful in it's own rite.
others need a lot more grace
and feel like a roller-coaster ride from start to finish..
and the finish is usually silent and not sharply painful
...but more like a dull ache that lingers and flares every so often

its funny that i've prided myself on understanding guys
because i have three brothers..
but i know nothing really...

ugh.
is this just more loneliness flaring?
that's annoying

but i'd like to get better, you know?
i almost want to write
"i just want to be a normal functioning human being"
haha...but i'm not the type
at least that, i get.

i want to be friends with the people
that i worship with..
you know?
with the people that i serve with..
sure i may be awkward..
but i'd like to have valuable social interactions
and relationships..

i'd like to get better---
much more, be better...you know?

anxiety.

the first question in this week's bstud asks something about what causes anxiety
rather..i'd like to address what anxiety causes
its as if my heart decides to work overtime
and not at all...all at once
i get gassy..and stomach pains to boot
i can't think, pray, focus
"___ must be resolved
___ must be resolved asap"
i feel as though my insides have been emptied out
and a hollow, empty ache is all that remains
an empty ache that's different from sadness..

moments like these i turn up the bass
and let the wavelengths fill that empty ache
just for a moment
just for a measure..

but im just substituting and i know it
i realize that even this
this moment, where i kick into self-preservation mode
anything and everything to fill the ache
must do now
i must do
and must do now
and must do again..
this moment, too, has to belong to You.

on another note ---
i felt the bitter well up in service
and i couldnt figure out why the bitter
as i know plenty of guys who serve
with their whole hearts
in and outside of the Body

typing about it now,
i can feel the bitter and anger welling up again
like,where the hell are the men of God
who are willing to go out,
and take risks,
and be uncomfortable,
and boldly stand on the front line...?


...im being unfair,
i know i am
as i mentioned...
i know plenty of servant-hearted brothers
who do take risks,
and deny comfort,
and step forward to stand on the front line..

...but damnit, this is my blog
and this is how i feel
and i am frustrated.

ugh.
maybe i'm getting tired
or am starting to burn out

or maybe i'm lonely
and this is my pitiful response..

and here is my rebuttal
"He pulls me close,
with nail scarred hands,
into His everlasting arms"

i got this image a couple days ago
of being hugged by Jesus
as in He was hugging me
my arms were clasped to my chest
and His arms surrounded me
and it was also as if i melted into Him
as if He was not completely solid
but solid...at the same time
and He felt warm and ..complete.
and i felt so safe and so wanted
so loved and so cared for..

my heart melts every time i think of it
and i just want to sit there
and wade and wade...

so this is my rebuttal,
to my bitterness and anger
to my anxiety and self preservation
this is my response.