a million suns..

"You shine like a million suns ablaze..wrapped in eternal light and praise. Jesus the first, the last, the bright and morning star."

i remember last night after having replayed this song several times i tried to imagine what it would be like to see a million suns ablaze..
haha...oh how futile..
but this morning in the shower..
while...the song was playing in the background
an imaged popped into my head
bright yellow Light..
and while i was focused on the bright yellow Light
i didn't even notice the little brown ugly squirming thing
trapped in the corner
it didn't matter what it was doing..
because the Light was so much greater
so much more powerful..
as the light grew and intensified
the little brown squirming thing...just popped
there was no room for it's existence.

like the great divorce.
hm.
i pray that this rings true when i rest tonight.

Hosea 6:6 "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

this sets something off in my heart..
i want...You.

it cannot be for the sake of ministry..
it has to be about You
knowing You..
walking with You..

after all..
is not ministry..
but the aftermath of the overflow?

relationship over religion.

"'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

suchh a good song.
its as if all parts of my heart cries
have been exposed..
the confusion..
the uncertainty..
the longing..
also the call for development..
for something more..
hope is rising..

the first time i heard the song i thought about peter..
and how he got distracted from Jesus
and sank..
but cried out
and was saved.
³¹ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”


it means so much to me that He immediately reached out to save him..
all he did was cry out..
and immediately..

what manner of Being..

thank God for the book of Psalms..

Psalm 25:16-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷ The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
    bring me out of my distresses.
¹⁸ Consider my affliction and my trouble,
    and forgive all my sins.

¹⁹ Consider how many are my foes,
    and with what violent hatred they hate me.
²⁰ Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
    Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
²¹ May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
    for I wait for you.

i feel you, David, i feels.
i think i gave up fighting..
but the fight hit me in the face
..or rather sat on my chest
early this morning

weird how the message was repeated..
muddled
...thats it..
like how the clouds covered the moon..
like im fading..
slipping away..
but to where?
i cant rely...cant trust..
but...must?
but...shouldn't..
sigh
it,they,there can't be my hiding place..
in the best, only part is satisfied..
but the whole still remains..
like an addiction..
dependence cries for more..
more it cannot give.

but maybe the reaction is wrong.
run when i should stand..
hide when i should fight.
You provide the strength, right?
and the armor..
and the protection..
and the victory...right?

where to start?
what now?

i am not strong enough.

..what now?

and the saddest thing is..
i'd much rather daydream..

i fell.
flackering.
i must find the root.

pulling up weeds does nothing..
if the root still remains.
so it is with this type.

muse me.
sometimes i feel as though holding on.
to thoughts.
to what's happening around me.
to what's happening to me.
to ideas.
is so fundamentally human..
and...tomi..
that lettting go is such a foreign
almost unjust notion..
but.
tonight i tried it with some nagging thought
or discrepancy i had..
and it was unsettling..
how easily the peace
and sense of freedom came.
and now
even as i write about it..
im somewhat perplexed.
can it really be that easy Father?
can it really be that You desire me to ..
sort of ignore what's going on ..
regardless of what actually is going on..
and just focus on You..
not necessarily hoping that You'll answer my questions..
or give me an explanation...a play-by-play..
but trusting ...that You "got it"
..and know best..

my tummy hurts...
i don't think that lox is sitting well..

haha i can hear myself thinking..
"no way...that can't work.."
more than ever...i can see my stubbornness..

i don't understand..
but will i ever?..

oh help me, Father..
help me release..
give me strength to release..

oh haha...
i just thought..
you know the whole..
it takes more courage to walk away or to say no
than to fight or take drugs...blah blah..
haha oh how relevant that feels right now...
its like im using all my strength to hold on to this...er..thing
...but i need even more strength to let it go..
more than i think i have..
haha

this is a long post.
oh the raging inside my chest right now..
i wanna be Your friend too
i wanna hold Your hand...

toast

"truth's all i want...all i want is You..
You're all i want all i wannnt..."

Father im overwhelmed
and i can feel the darkness sitting on my neck
threatening..

"don't look to the right or to the left..
keep your eyes on Me..
you will not be shaken..
you will not be moved"

feels like the fight of my life..
but im so tired..
already.
every note feels like it might be the last..
but i keep on singing..
gaping and grasping into where i can't see..

oh i feel like a crazy person
how'd this sneak up on me..

"everything good comes from You,
Father of Lights"

and only good can come from You,
right?

its like the labor pains are mounting this week
so much going on..
but i'm thankful that You're walking with me..
that You won't let go of my hand..

i yearn to know more of You..

ch. 7

more than grief
i can bring these things before You..
things at the back of my heart..
that i even hide from myself
....i can be honest about them...with You..
and...ask for Your guidance..
and that You would walk with me through them..

thanks for being that kind of God.