dreamsdreams

i had a dream that i started dating someone.
i met him with friends just like hanging out
his friend mentioned that he played guitar..
then one of my friends mentioned that i did too..
i responded that i played badly...and for some odd reason somersaulted while saying it.
midway through somersault i wondered why i was somersaulting
..then i heard the guy say "that's pretty cute"
fade into another part.
where we were walking and talking..
i was laughing..
fastfwd
he was attending or working at emory's school of theology
and was about to do a press conference
i think we were betrothed...i dont remember
he was going to announce the outcome regarding the admission stats scandal
and that the source was the theology school
...weird.
i was trying to convince him to get someone else to do it.
because his face would be forever associated with "Emory's shame"
then i had a "flashback" of when we first held hands

then i remember asking him at some point...
"wait...did we talk to P.Nate about this?"
[because apparently when we met he was attending GSU]

and then things started to unravel..
i just thought i'd share that.
ha.

"i will be still..know You are God."

ok, gotcha.

nothing..compares

prodigal.

its almost offensive how much...how deeply.. You love me.
even me.
i should be disgusting to You.
...im unworthy Father.

...thank You..

sometimes..i wonder what im really after here.
hi. im lonely.
and skeptical.
and afraid.
i don't trust easily,
but i need a friend.

help me to open.

then..i fell, hard.

but this time, i fought.
hard.
i felt as though flesh would overwhelm..
overcome.
but He was fighting too.
He was there..
i wasn't alone after all.
all along.

i don't think its over.
perhaps a battle in a little war.
but a battle won nonetheless.

fighting chance.
and, not alone.
PTL.

PD said something to the flavor of.. when you're married,
your spouse is like your sibling.

wut.
hell no.

agh im so frustrated.
what in the world changed from like 5 days ago to now?
whhyy am i so irritable?

oh God, i need you.
more.
ah.
maybe that's it.
more.

its almost tragic,
these feelings..especially after a retreat.
oh man, do i neeed You.
i know what kind this calls for.

ruuunrunnnrunnnnrunnnrun.

in the background.

ball

of feelings.
of...hormones...
of confusion and frustration.
i dunno what's going on with me.
its like some of the old poop is resurfacing
and im so confused about what You're trying to say to me.
but.
something tells me i can come to you with this..
even this.

don't tell me how to follow Jesus,
just leave me alone.
drowning.
pride and disgust.
but.
tis the truth.
AH

just..leave me alone.
let me look for myself..
...because im not sure if i can believe you.
distrust?
not...exactly.

maybe, maybe.
there are still wounds.
festering..deep...but ignored.

its like i can see the tar erupting from my heart.
sticky...slippery..staining...
messy.
disgusting.
sigh..
this again?
time to spend time.

Run.

retreat.

confusion.
lots of it.
i just don't want to think..
haha..
sigh

for the sake of my sanity:
dub.reds.fo.reals.

control

you know..
yea.
don't have it.
exhausting to try to hold on to it.
but...don't have it.
what?

Freedom reigns.
release.

onward.

there it is.
staring at me from the top of my inbox.
rejection email..
mehmehmeh..
:/

buds.

so much has happened.
so much to process.

i intend to start from today..and go backwards.
...sorta.

but for today.
there seems to be something..fishy in the water..
on my end.
not foul..but..present none the less.
and its bothersome.
i don't want it..
...cuz in full bloom it wrecks.
so heart change is the prayer req.
i can't will myself out of ...."feelings"

dub.reds.