wandering.

ive never been one to desire a happy medium
maybe deep down somewhere i was
but i never thought myself to be such..
but today during closing
i felt myself just want
to be oblivious
of what terrors
lie beneath the surface
to take status quo
and feel..okay
regardless of what
was actually taking place

i felt okay..
i feel okay now
but i know there're other things
i realized that i felt alone
again alone
i deeply long for tenderness
and intimacy
not the sexual kind...per se
more the deep..connecting
compassionate sort..
that serves and brings life and warmth
and i've been seeking it ..
and longing for it..but not from You.
my brain tells me
that longings of the sort..
that don't drink from the Living Water
ends up distorted ..and empty and dangerous
that what might feel right and good
and whole for a season
dries up and then takes some of you too.

but..
i also feel like when last i called
when last i asked for You to come
You did not...
or perhaps i was unaware
i feel weird admitting that.
but i feel alone.
and i know You have to be the answer
there's nothing else that can satisfy
so please, won't You..
fill the hole
show me Your tenderness
and intimacy
fill that hole
so echoes and shadows have no place
but a reminder
please, something

it makes me feel a little like a freak
like that alien, person, bug thing
from the mgmt set
wandering around on earth
searching for a home
a place to feel at home
but...its not possible
not forever.

i do have hope
a Hope.

yesterday, my dad told me
the story of how he got saved

then...of what kept him
in the youth of his faith.

mom told me of her own journey
a while ago..

i think what's sweetest
about these moments
is realizing
that my parents
who i feel like never show
that they waver in their faith in Christ
had doubts when they were young
even thought to abandon it in entirety
but God
reached them both personally
in a way unique to both of them
not only that..
but He held them.

so..He'll hold me too?

another thought from the morning:
on the tv there was a woman
presenting her favorite verse
twas: Psalm 46:10
she explained that the "Be still" portion
in translation from the original language
means something more like "Let go"
so then...Let go..."and know that I am God"
Let go...trust
and let Him show that He is God.

k.

i think music

has always been that irrefutable link

to Him.

that quiet whisper

that you hardly hear..

but feel deeply..

i played blue for the first time in a while

she was sitting in her case by the door

my fingertips are still raw

and pinch as i tap away at the keys

although my playing lacked skill

and my voice hoarse..

something in me was moved

and music again was the link..

and for the first time in a while

i just wanted to delight in You..

what a sweet gift,

what divine purpose.

thank You, Baba.

there really is none like You.

the recurrence.

ugh this is annoying..
it can't happen
we want different things..
that would probably never compliment
or coincide
and what makes you think it'd happen otherwise

..this is SO annoying.














but...