minor chords.

paired with bass
...especially paired with bass
invokes some deep reaction..
and ripples through my emotions.
it draws out something that i can't express in words.
or quite yet understand.

harrison bergeron

the loud drowns out the thoughts.

there's so much more to deal with
muddle through
and for the first time i feel wildly unprepared..
i mean, i never had all the answers in the first place..
but this time is different.

is this a for-the-rest-of-my-life thing, Lord..
because right now ..its  certainly overwhelming

i feel so small..
and unwanted..
but stupid..
ugh.
stupid feelings..
agh...

i'd much rather sleep.

and there are those moments..
where im so deeply shocked..
...and im sure there's a side to it that's anger..
that im saddened..not by my own state..
but by the natural world..
by the human race..
that i realize all i can do..
that i might not feel overwhelmed..
is pray..

agh..oh God..
but it's a liiieeee
he's lyingggg
what prayer? what understanding? what opinion?
how dare he? he doesn't know what he's doing..
and in a way that's SO scary..
people are watching and people are listening..
ahh but to gain the world and lose your soul?
that's one thing...but to drag others along..
ahhhhh
alas...You warned about this didnt You..
protect our hearts and mind oh God..
You are victor, YOU are victor.

needed this to be recorded somewhere
so that i can refer and remember
when i don't want to ..

honestly for me..
prayer, a good chunk of the time feels like nothing
yes there are those sweet sweet moments
when i feel heaven and earth touch
and everything is overwhelmed
and yes, at times..the thought of the providence
of prayer alone
leaves me in awe..
but a lot of the time..
i don't feel too much move
in those moments..
i dont feel His presence..
and though i trust He's listening...
i feel like im talking to the air...or the wall..
..after all why would the Creator and King of the universe
give audience to a being like me?

remember, Oluwatominsin, remember
in these moments,
that the prayers of your parents
for you all those years..
even when you sighed and grumbled..
and when you felt like maybe they didnt see
how fruitless you thought it was..
were answered.
maybe not all of them..
maybe not in the way imagined..
maybe not at the time..
but they were answered

much more..
those prayers that you prayed, girl.
the ones that you've forgotten..
the ones you've prayed for years..
the ones you pray in haste and desperation..

though all seems silent..
something.. something is shifting in the spiritual world
understand..you may see nothing...for a long time.
[lol or it you may see the answer moments after..]
but God is at work and He is faithful..
as ethereal as it sounds
something deep and powerful is happening..
when you, we pray..
wait for it..
and while you do..
look back...look hard..
and remember what He's already done..

and don't you dare stop.

a passage comes to mind:

2 And the Lord answered me:

“Write the vision;
    make it plain on tablets,
    so he may run who reads it.
3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:2-3