missions.

"We go not to see fruit, but because we have seen Jesus."

[-Andrew Darmahkasih]

deng.

on one note:
this never gets uncomplicated..
does it?

moving along.
i trust that You aren't surprised
by where i am..

oh man..
already?
thanks for listening..
thanks for answering

go to rainy day..crummy day...songs:
breathe me - sia
fix you - coldplay

dunno why i thought that important to share..

well lately..breath me feels darker..
and fix you ..moreso relevant..
perhaps its the way that it picks up
at the end..
its not that the lyrics get happier
but something changes..
something gets better..

i suppose its in the lyrics too.
but just a glimpse..
and that's all it takes..
a sliver of hope..
bursting in subtly..
but in a way that cannot be ignored.

something changes.

no longer divided
the pressure is eased..

on another note
nothing too fancy..
nothing dramatic
or super overtly spiritual
but out of immense gratitude
and a heart that has fallen in love
i desire to return.
again i must return.
may this fire burn with a love that's not my own
but with Your love...
the reminds me when my heart is faintest
of its depth and reach..

im swelling right now..
emotions are present
and they are nice...
but i know they arent everything.

but this is nice.
to feel..is this just happy?...
or is this joy infused...?
don't matter.
oh and excitement...
goose-bump inducing excitement.

the division.

continue of as if nothing happened
this of course seems easiest
and less embarrassing..
but damnit they know..and knew
and i couldnt stop that...
im too bloody obvi.

recondition and return to former state
this is just rebuilding walls
similar to the first..
but feels different

but the feeling was nice..
until it turned into frustration.
meh.

onward.

great.
now im divided.

i'd just like to throw up naow.

on one note:
maybe i am a skeptic,
maybe i've been hardened.
maybe its just protection..
expect nothing..
and it all gets easier.

on another note:
otr pt 5.
where are you, heart?

honesty..
blind and whole is what i desire the most..
but honesty i cannot give.
its too much..
they'll know.

and everything crumbled...
in like 2 days..
what.the.hell.

struck.

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.

- 2 Corinthians 4:7

some days..
like today
i just wanna be Your baby..
crawl into Your lap
and sulk into Your warmth
until Your freedom becomes true to my heart.

i know i am to be a soldier
a servant...
but today i offer no pretense..
i am but a child..
immature and overwhelmed by myself..

i need Your warmth and embrace..
to be fed by You..

i feel so small.

exactly.

Psalm 25:20

20 "Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
    Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you."