insanity is only logical in a world rampant with instability and uncertainty..
where life sustenance is a delicate balance..
and completely out of our known control..
it's only logical.

praise to the stable, certain One.

can life erupt from brokenness on it's own?
can brokenness breed life?

oh i am prideful.
but i am also broken..
a deep broken.
i have made so many mistakes.
i've made myself a fool for such a cause.
a cause that could never be fulfilled that way..

so then what?
what now?

i am an attention-whore..
and my heart and flesh will satisfy its desire..
whichever way...with whomever..
but they shan't be satisfied..
for people are broken and spells wear off..

i am ashamed.
for in all my knowledge of You..
in all the ways that you've grown me..
i still dance for monopoly money..
pouring all out for what cannot be..
for what will never...wholly satisfy..
i know this...
i know this..
but still i dance.

alas i am tired..
and broken..
and the guilt and shame sit heavy on my face..
my first response?
run, run, ruuunnn..
they cannot hear..they will be aghast...
disappointed..
isolation..separation...
for it's too much...
through some manifestation be slowly quenched..
the root still remains...just as deep ..
still fed..
sigh.

when things are like this..
there is still some small tinkling stream..
deep deep down..
that reminds me..
and i cannot forget fully..
the extent and the depth...
because You gave it to me..
and it cannot be snatched.

but here i am..i look around
and i'm not sure where i am.
i repent, for i have been prideful.
i have forgotten my place..
my depravity..
rather not forgotten...but celebrated..
but You desire more..
You have more..
You've called me to more..

its a odd place to be..
but this is where i am.
lots of thoughts.
so grateful..
but something else too.

happy birthday tomes..

imprint

"i'm not saying "get better" or "do better"11:21 PM

i'm saying open up and God will come rushing in

he promises that

he cannot wait to be with you

to hug you

to be near you"

"inadequate" it screams

and im blinded by its noise.

i can't reconcile..

if what was built up..

keeps being hit with blows..

maybe what was "built"..

wasn't all that strong in the first place.

...sometimes i wonder..
why did You create romantic love...
or romance in general?

i can get the Fatherly love..
i can lavish and bathe
and drink it all in..

but this kind...
i don't understand..
what's the purpose in it..?
would You show me?

no...no i don't want him...
whoever..
to show me..
and..
i'd rather not reason it out on my own..
...won't You show me?..please?

oh Lord, my heart is so jank.
ahhh..

i once said
"i'd much rather daydream.."
and ...quite often that's true..
detachment..

alas..
it is possible..
to find Truth in the midst of darkness..
for Love to pierce the diamond wall
and shatter the stone..
to melt the coldest and the hardest..

oh how sweet it is,
that You concern Yourself with beings like us..

alas..
it's not just our type of hearts that You can reach..
it's not just here that You work..
but You are much bigger..
far greater..

You've called us to Your work..
to Your joy..
that reaches through time,
and breaks all logic
You've given us different passions..
different talents, different heart songs..
different people, different places
You've given us Your body,
a community...to heal...to encourage..
.to redirect our compass..
to remind...to rebuke...to fight...to fight.
and You've sent us out..amongst the wolves..
to a war You've already won..
sometimes..in time..You give us a partner..
in collision, an explosion and two lights become one..
one that implodes and shoots off into the universe
shooting off splurts of Your light and life
and becomes a symbol of Your love..

You've given us Yourself..
all sustaining, deep and fulfilling..
like a fountain that increases the thirst..
but fills the ache..
that closes the gap...
but never ends..never finishes..
that goes deeper..filling every crevice
satisfying every root..
and complete access..

i say these words and its like a song..
one that You've written to me and her and them..
one that is too high for my little brain to comprehend..
to even fully imagine..
words and thoughts that i cannot bring down to my level..
that are set apart..and are to be set apart..
but You've given me Your Spirit..
that i might understand.
perhaps now just bits and pieces..
but oh how those bit and pieces flatten me..
floor me in awe...make me wonder..
WHO are You?

oh to know You more..
deeper, please.