i can feel complacency setting in..
and like a burden..
the darkness to come...haunts..

NO.
fighting.

man...something in me has really changed..
something deep..
and ...alive.

would You still have me?
You know my past...my "exes"
...You know im prone to wander back and forth..
prone to revisit..
to be unfaithful..
but..
would You still have me?

i know the answer to this one..
You've proved it a million times over..


where are you convictions?
where did you get lost?

don't forsake me i pray..
draw me close to You

in the way i needed.

i called..
You answered..

thanks.

how appropriate.

tonight when i pulled up to my house..
and walked to my front door..
i looked up into the sky..

the sky wasn't black..
it didnt even seem dark..
but it was cloudy..

i knew the moon was behind the clouds.
i couldn't see it..but i knew..

how fitting.

my heart is heavy...like the darkness has returned..
i know that You are there..
behind the cloudiness..
but i cant see You..
sigh..

im trying really hard..
but i can't see You..

but there is this burning...
and wondering..
am i just...ignoring?

or choosing..

but ...i don't want to be blind.
or naive..

teach me to be still.
but not stoic..

passion with love that abounds more and more in knowledge and discernment...

oh Truth...be the fountain.

as much as there is a time and place to consider these things...
i don't think that time or place is now..

now...i'll just...trust You.
i'll find peace and rest...in You..
i'll wait for You..
like a lover awaits her love...
i'll wait..

Psalm 9:12. i'll believe.

hold me still

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

    my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
    too great and too marvelous for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
    like a weaned child with its mother;
    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³ O Israel, hope in the Lord
    from this time forth and forevermore.

-Psalm 131

as comforting as slipping back into an abyss sounds
i know i must resist..
there is a war to be fought
much work to be done.

girding of loins
and storage of prayers.

dont know how i got here..
60,000+ is A.LOT. of people..
im still overwhelmed..

so much on my heart..
so im thankful..

sex trafficking
my heart is so deeply bothered..
i don't want to believe it..

i wonder if i'll be able to handle it..

buuut..
they don't need...my sympathy..
or...my "nice-ness"
its not as romantic as it might seem
talitha cumi

its dirty, painful, and sometimes discouraging work..
i fear not being able to love them in the way needed..

thank God for women of God..
who pray..
i can do that..
its a start nonetheless..
i'll pray.

don't think im being difficult..
because im not trying to be..

yesterday, new year's eve.
i was thinking..
time is such an abstract concept...
i thought about new year's day..
what it symbolizes..
but moreso what i would be doing on that day..
im working today.
not too much different from what i did yesterday

then i thought..
what if time is standing still
and we're the one's that are passing...
its not as if time is pulling us forward..
making us older?
making things due..

in a way..we've set those parameters
well...maybe not the getting old part..

weird
i can't wait to see time the way God sees it..
i wonder if He sees us sometimes going cray over time
and thinks...and chuckles to Himself "silly humans...if only you knew"
meh

im starting to get anxious about grad school apps...
my official gre scores came in..
man..
humbled...so hard.
sigh.
i don't know what it means yet to surrrender this.
spent a good chunk of pt agonizing over this.
sigh.

ive also been thinking a lot about dating
and marraige
and babies..
im starting to wonder why i desire these so much
what compels me to think that  they'll satisfy me?

thirst..
really want/need water.
go for the juice..soda...
create more thirst.

something's off.
hm