guitar.

its a beautiful thing to be wrecked by the One
but a most terrible thing indeed..

He calls me..us to surrender..
let go of ourselves..
our very core of who we think we are..
what we think is best..
what we want the most..

man i don't think i really understand the concept..
yea sure, i'll give God my life..
...but only so i can get what i want..
..of course what i want is the glory of God..
as long as its on my terms and in the way that i want it...

oh man..like a wrecking ball to a glass house..
He came crashing..
and honestly it feels like my entire world has been made to dust..
i can't reconcile it
and in a way my heart is crushed..

now i just want to play..
until the strings cut my fingers
and make them burn and bleed
the way my heart is doing..
until its crooning matches the desperate groans of my soul..

i fear growing bitter, fearful
and odd enough complacent..
but..im excited...
..its weird..i feel like im dying..
like literally selling myself to something..
or rather Someone.. i can't control..
and don't understand..
but im excited...

im scared.
i really am
but..He wants it..?
He'll have it. all of it...all of me.

sometimes

i wonder if i'll ever be satisfied
if my heart's thirst for acceptance will ever be quenched.
head knowledge is not the same thing as heart recognition
and its starting to eat me.
my very core..
from the inside out.

will i ever be satisfied?
i know i keep doing this to myself
it affects everything..
especially ministry..
how am i to show these..
beautiful young women..
how to love Him..
to love others..
to love the woman He's created them to be..
if i fail so much at all 3?

i liken this feeling to an image i had earlier this week:
..there's this huge blue glass vase that's been smashed into pieces..
and i with bloody hands, arms, chest and face, am picked up these pieces..
i start to glue and set them back together..
it starts to take form as a vase and honestly doesn't look half bad..
it looks like i might be able to finish..
then something ridiculous happens
with my own two hands, i smash this vase into even smaller pieces
..and start this whole process over again..
the pieces are smaller, im losing more blood and im getting weaker..

it's useless..i can't fix it myself,
without making it even worse.

well goshdarnit..
i think it just hit me.
duh Tomi..
that's it.
sigh.