peaceful

i havent the slightest idea of what He has planned for me in the future..
but i do know that what he has planned
is nothing short of amazing.

i've gotten pretty goshdarn good
at ripping my own heart out

but i'm learning..
i confess..incredibly slowly..
how to leave it in Someone's most capable hands

who knows how to take the bloody mess i've made
and  make something beautiful..

....did i mention slooooowwwwllllyyyyy

*sigh*
this is hard.

we make this thing so complicated..
but its supposed to be simple...so simple
you accept. you trust. you submit. you love.
easy peasy lemon squeezy...eh?
not so.

life gets in the way.
emotions get in the way.
responsibilities get in the way.
selfishness gets in the way.

why is this so hard?
"to be held soo tight, i've never felt soo free.."
i really want that to become my point of view.

release.

my whole life is Yours
i give it all
surrendered to Your Name
and forever i will pray..

have Your way..
have YOUR way.

sometimes i wish i were dead..
but suicide is not an option..
i want to be alive forever, with my Heavenly Father...
free from hurt, pain, past, guilt..
....free....
im a burden...and i know it
financially..emotionally
i figure...if im gone...
problem solved.
but...maybe the wish should be that im no longer a burden?
wishful thinking never really gets you anywhere does it..
im being selfish.
but there's a God in heaven...right?
and He's all powerful, sovereign....right?
and He loves...me?....right?
and He has a plan to give me hope and a future....
right?