tears for fears

i feel quite clever about this title

but cleverness aside..couldnt have been truer tonight

im embarrassed now by how far i let it go

but grateful to be home safe and sane

uncertainty is a fear.

fear that no matter how careful

how calculated ...

everything conceivable

can still go wrong

and end in disaster

fear that im in control

and at the same time

that i haven't any control

wasting time is fear.

fear that the life that He gave

was wasted on the unnecessary

that more coulda, shoulda, been done

leaving just heartbreak

and empty space.

and the physical ache to accompany it.

a thought came during the 

conversation on the ride home

maybe the point in finding this uncertainty

and not wanting to waste time

is not to fear death

but to live life

live everyday like its the last

not to be paralyzed by the fear of the uncertainty

but to take each breath

and each day 

given with grace

and live every moment

like eternity is waiting.

to live everyday as if you know its your last.

i feel like i just said the exact same thing

like four times.

but that's okay

i see

and feel even deeper

You'll take care

and i'll give in.

help me when i forget, please.

because i will forget

and perhaps even fear again.  

like i can't even..
i'd much rather be numb

like i feel so dumb
and insignificant
and disregarded

sometimes i say to myself
i'll leave

i'll drive to north ga or tennessee
and find a job in a diner or something
i'll live out of my car for a couple weeks
until my tips make a place affordable
i'll make sure to send my car payments
but otherwise i'll forget my former life
and just be this waitress
at a diner or something
in north ga or tennessee

people just quit dont they?
walk away and dont look back?

i know i'd regret it down the line
...start missing my brothers
and dreaming dreams again

but right now..
i feel like a shell
a hollow shell

but i'll stay
You're IT, i know it..
but i feel like a dead person
a creature with faded eyes
sometimes im surprised to feel my heartbeat

but You're IT

when Moses said he wouldnt go without You
i wondered if i'd do the same
i wondered if i could tell/pray for others to do the same
i wondered if it was worth it..

ugh i feel so dumb
like an idiot.

..and this is why.. "nope"
nope. nope. nope.

you know i find that without
skipping a beat
i can speak Truth to a friend, brother or sister
its like it comes bubbling
and sometimes raging out

but its like i've been silenced
when it comes to speaking Truth
to myself.

change must come.
hoping and faithing.

you know,
i think bass has the same wavelengths
of deep emotion
its as if
for a moment
as the bass vibrates
that pain
the hollow ache
is filled
and felt
and lessens
for just that moment..

i know i'm still not right
..i can still hear them in my head
the words..

man..words
such power..

on another note
all it took was four words
four bloody words
and all was flattened again

haha
its basically incredulous
like i have to laugh at myself
because im actually ridiculous.

something's not right
i thought i got it all
held it in my hands
but something slipped

there's more, i suppose.

the raging.

You are worthy of my devotion.
i am nothing...but You gave me the right..
the right to chose the object of my devotion.
You chose me whether i chose You or not..
and gave me the right to choose You..
i choose You..
because You chose me first..
because You are worthy
there is no other like You..
no other...

i wanna be like You.
like...uproot my foundation..
be like You..
like rip apart the old
and replace with You
be like You...
like.."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants[f] to continue to speak your word with all boldness"be like You...

is it okay to say
i'm terrified?
i keep saying i'll jump
but..

it can't be like them right?
in their pretty little squares..
with their cute words and trite sayings?
...it can't..
i can't..

maybe i just see the surface..
maybe i'm jealous
either way...im not like that..
or i don't want to be..

i need reality, Father..
like...deep
colorful..uncomfortable
bloody..damn that hurt..
..reality

but it can't be my way..
because we know...so well
that my way is just as flawed...if not moreso..

here, You take it..
i'm just a child
wriggling around in my own mud pies..
frustrated at their inability to taste like chocolate
but afraid to walk away...to let them wash away..
covered in the mud..
afraid to be clean..
because maybe i'll just be another clone
..a carbon copy..
pinocchio wishing to be a real boy

but You..
man...You're something else..
unlike anything...or anyone else..
and so it's You i want..
not the mud...or the chocolate..
You..just You..

that's it.
for me...for them.
that's it.

turn me inside out.