i know i'm still not right
..i can still hear them in my head
the words..

man..words
such power..

on another note
all it took was four words
four bloody words
and all was flattened again

haha
its basically incredulous
like i have to laugh at myself
because im actually ridiculous.

something's not right
i thought i got it all
held it in my hands
but something slipped

there's more, i suppose.

the raging.

You are worthy of my devotion.
i am nothing...but You gave me the right..
the right to chose the object of my devotion.
You chose me whether i chose You or not..
and gave me the right to choose You..
i choose You..
because You chose me first..
because You are worthy
there is no other like You..
no other...

i wanna be like You.
like...uproot my foundation..
be like You..
like rip apart the old
and replace with You
be like You...
like.."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants[f] to continue to speak your word with all boldness"be like You...

is it okay to say
i'm terrified?
i keep saying i'll jump
but..

it can't be like them right?
in their pretty little squares..
with their cute words and trite sayings?
...it can't..
i can't..

maybe i just see the surface..
maybe i'm jealous
either way...im not like that..
or i don't want to be..

i need reality, Father..
like...deep
colorful..uncomfortable
bloody..damn that hurt..
..reality

but it can't be my way..
because we know...so well
that my way is just as flawed...if not moreso..

here, You take it..
i'm just a child
wriggling around in my own mud pies..
frustrated at their inability to taste like chocolate
but afraid to walk away...to let them wash away..
covered in the mud..
afraid to be clean..
because maybe i'll just be another clone
..a carbon copy..
pinocchio wishing to be a real boy

but You..
man...You're something else..
unlike anything...or anyone else..
and so it's You i want..
not the mud...or the chocolate..
You..just You..

that's it.
for me...for them.
that's it.

turn me inside out.