oh Jesus, i feel so restless..

oh man.
i need to pray more..
because the more i see..
the more i know..
the depth i perceive..
i'm already falling..
damn you charm.
just lemme alone, ok
for i have neither the energy or desire..
as nice as it feels to dream.

agh.
just shuuttt uppp stupid heart.
you already know where to turn..
in moments like these..
so..shut up and turn.

wut is going on.
oh Jesus, my heart feels like its gone quiet.
i know its beating faster..i can feel it
but oh the blood and the warmth..
are numbing and confusing..

hm.

i should be over all the butterfliiiiies..

i've seen the fruits..
for they are quite ripe,
and starting to fill the air with their scent..
some of it's sour.
ah..but the roots..
i'm starting to see those too..
and part of it's painful,
some humbling..

damned cycles.
literally cursed.

i had a dream last night..
that instead of going to otr to serve for years after grad school..
i left last semester..
and it felt perfectly normal..
i remember that i didnt see my butterbean before leaving..
i think the quanch was still there.
i remember when we got there...
oh there was another sister [from jca] there with me...
i had no job, wasn't taking classes...and i panicked inwardly...
then as we dropped the quanch at his place and made the treck to our own
i decided that i'd take classes...maybe 1 or 2
and work...at that coffee shop downtown...
coffee emporium or something like that..
i woke up....kinda excited.
i feel no need to rush.
but...im excited.