#lenting

i feel guilt
maybe its because i spent more than i should be spending
in the past 3 days
maybe its because ive been planning nonstop
for every meal
to make sure these next few weeks are a breeze
and cost effective
but from my reading this morning
im convicted that this isnt the point
im convinced that this isnt the goal
it's to look to You, isnt it?
to do Your work
to be Your hands and feet----
isnt it?

but ive been really focused on me
how i can make this time bearable
how i can plan to make things go smoothly
how these things can benefit my health
and justifying my distraction
over and over again..

well, Father
today...my response:
----i turn to You.
i'm sorry for taking things
and making this time about me
i don't know the steps
to make them not about me
so, i turn to You
and ask that you lead the way..
give me Your heart
Your dreams
show me how to do things
Your way..

im an awkward person...
sometimes i feel as though it's kinda cute
to admit that im awkward
but every so often, i feel like i make some grand discovery
or have a massive epiphany
supporting my conclusion that "i'm an awkward person"

and it's sort of devastating
and makes me wonder how often
my awkwardness is misconstrued as cold
or has frustrated those that don't know me very well
or has pushed people away
...or has ruined the opportunity for relationships..

sigh...relationships
i don't think i understand how to maintain
or sustain those..
i think i've learned the most
through people who are gracious enough
to stand by and tell me about myself
when i falter, or hurt them...or make a mess of things
...is there a way to get around that though?

i think about this especially so with male friends
the same with female friends, i suppose..
some are just natural, where the click is automatic
and conversation and fun flow like water
others take a bit more grace...
but soon enough mold into something a little rougher
but solid, nonetheless and beautiful in it's own rite.
others need a lot more grace
and feel like a roller-coaster ride from start to finish..
and the finish is usually silent and not sharply painful
...but more like a dull ache that lingers and flares every so often

its funny that i've prided myself on understanding guys
because i have three brothers..
but i know nothing really...

ugh.
is this just more loneliness flaring?
that's annoying

but i'd like to get better, you know?
i almost want to write
"i just want to be a normal functioning human being"
haha...but i'm not the type
at least that, i get.

i want to be friends with the people
that i worship with..
you know?
with the people that i serve with..
sure i may be awkward..
but i'd like to have valuable social interactions
and relationships..

i'd like to get better---
much more, be better...you know?

anxiety.

the first question in this week's bstud asks something about what causes anxiety
rather..i'd like to address what anxiety causes
its as if my heart decides to work overtime
and not at all...all at once
i get gassy..and stomach pains to boot
i can't think, pray, focus
"___ must be resolved
___ must be resolved asap"
i feel as though my insides have been emptied out
and a hollow, empty ache is all that remains
an empty ache that's different from sadness..

moments like these i turn up the bass
and let the wavelengths fill that empty ache
just for a moment
just for a measure..

but im just substituting and i know it
i realize that even this
this moment, where i kick into self-preservation mode
anything and everything to fill the ache
must do now
i must do
and must do now
and must do again..
this moment, too, has to belong to You.

on another note ---
i felt the bitter well up in service
and i couldnt figure out why the bitter
as i know plenty of guys who serve
with their whole hearts
in and outside of the Body

typing about it now,
i can feel the bitter and anger welling up again
like,where the hell are the men of God
who are willing to go out,
and take risks,
and be uncomfortable,
and boldly stand on the front line...?


...im being unfair,
i know i am
as i mentioned...
i know plenty of servant-hearted brothers
who do take risks,
and deny comfort,
and step forward to stand on the front line..

...but damnit, this is my blog
and this is how i feel
and i am frustrated.

ugh.
maybe i'm getting tired
or am starting to burn out

or maybe i'm lonely
and this is my pitiful response..

and here is my rebuttal
"He pulls me close,
with nail scarred hands,
into His everlasting arms"

i got this image a couple days ago
of being hugged by Jesus
as in He was hugging me
my arms were clasped to my chest
and His arms surrounded me
and it was also as if i melted into Him
as if He was not completely solid
but solid...at the same time
and He felt warm and ..complete.
and i felt so safe and so wanted
so loved and so cared for..

my heart melts every time i think of it
and i just want to sit there
and wade and wade...

so this is my rebuttal,
to my bitterness and anger
to my anxiety and self preservation
this is my response.

tears for fears

i feel quite clever about this title

but cleverness aside..couldnt have been truer tonight

im embarrassed now by how far i let it go

but grateful to be home safe and sane

uncertainty is a fear.

fear that no matter how careful

how calculated ...

everything conceivable

can still go wrong

and end in disaster

fear that im in control

and at the same time

that i haven't any control

wasting time is fear.

fear that the life that He gave

was wasted on the unnecessary

that more coulda, shoulda, been done

leaving just heartbreak

and empty space.

and the physical ache to accompany it.

a thought came during the 

conversation on the ride home

maybe the point in finding this uncertainty

and not wanting to waste time

is not to fear death

but to live life

live everyday like its the last

not to be paralyzed by the fear of the uncertainty

but to take each breath

and each day 

given with grace

and live every moment

like eternity is waiting.

to live everyday as if you know its your last.

i feel like i just said the exact same thing

like four times.

but that's okay

i see

and feel even deeper

You'll take care

and i'll give in.

help me when i forget, please.

because i will forget

and perhaps even fear again.  

like i can't even..
i'd much rather be numb

like i feel so dumb
and insignificant
and disregarded

sometimes i say to myself
i'll leave

i'll drive to north ga or tennessee
and find a job in a diner or something
i'll live out of my car for a couple weeks
until my tips make a place affordable
i'll make sure to send my car payments
but otherwise i'll forget my former life
and just be this waitress
at a diner or something
in north ga or tennessee

people just quit dont they?
walk away and dont look back?

i know i'd regret it down the line
...start missing my brothers
and dreaming dreams again

but right now..
i feel like a shell
a hollow shell

but i'll stay
You're IT, i know it..
but i feel like a dead person
a creature with faded eyes
sometimes im surprised to feel my heartbeat

but You're IT

when Moses said he wouldnt go without You
i wondered if i'd do the same
i wondered if i could tell/pray for others to do the same
i wondered if it was worth it..

ugh i feel so dumb
like an idiot.

..and this is why.. "nope"
nope. nope. nope.

you know i find that without
skipping a beat
i can speak Truth to a friend, brother or sister
its like it comes bubbling
and sometimes raging out

but its like i've been silenced
when it comes to speaking Truth
to myself.

change must come.
hoping and faithing.