i know i'm still not right
..i can still hear them in my head
the words..

man..words
such power..

on another note
all it took was four words
four bloody words
and all was flattened again

haha
its basically incredulous
like i have to laugh at myself
because im actually ridiculous.

something's not right
i thought i got it all
held it in my hands
but something slipped

there's more, i suppose.

the raging.

You are worthy of my devotion.
i am nothing...but You gave me the right..
the right to chose the object of my devotion.
You chose me whether i chose You or not..
and gave me the right to choose You..
i choose You..
because You chose me first..
because You are worthy
there is no other like You..
no other...

i wanna be like You.
like...uproot my foundation..
be like You..
like rip apart the old
and replace with You
be like You...
like.."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants[f] to continue to speak your word with all boldness"be like You...

is it okay to say
i'm terrified?
i keep saying i'll jump
but..

it can't be like them right?
in their pretty little squares..
with their cute words and trite sayings?
...it can't..
i can't..

maybe i just see the surface..
maybe i'm jealous
either way...im not like that..
or i don't want to be..

i need reality, Father..
like...deep
colorful..uncomfortable
bloody..damn that hurt..
..reality

but it can't be my way..
because we know...so well
that my way is just as flawed...if not moreso..

here, You take it..
i'm just a child
wriggling around in my own mud pies..
frustrated at their inability to taste like chocolate
but afraid to walk away...to let them wash away..
covered in the mud..
afraid to be clean..
because maybe i'll just be another clone
..a carbon copy..
pinocchio wishing to be a real boy

but You..
man...You're something else..
unlike anything...or anyone else..
and so it's You i want..
not the mud...or the chocolate..
You..just You..

that's it.
for me...for them.
that's it.

turn me inside out.

gungor

bumbled, jumbled...

crawling towards coherence

last night the song "the best part" was on my heart

as it reminded me of the mundane part of following Christ

that pastor johann spoke about one session...

so i looked up what the artists had to say about the song

and in some parts i was wary..

but in other ways i was encouraged

to find that in some ways 

our hearts were thinking the same thing

but on really different spectrums

i went on to read other posts

as well as an article about their recent faith journey

i can't say that i completely understand 

the doubt that they or rather michael experienced

and i cant just cast in away either

but i do fear that parts of it sits weird in me

for that reason i feel led to pray.

i appreciate the point he made in the article

that sometimes being a worship leader

produces this assumption that there is no doubt

this picture of stability 

and in this case

although his past ventures have brought

a sort of refreshing light and honesty

back into worship music ...

and the recent ventures also speak to something deep..

faith is amorphous right now..

but that doesn't call for his shunning

step carefully, no doubt..

but by His power

who is able to keep us from stumbling

and present us blameless

show mercy

because He shows mercy

and for that reason i feel led to pray 

part of clarkston missions

was finding that God will meet His people

however He likes

and wherever He likes

and i trust that for mr. gungor.

that the God of the universe can reach Him and restore Him

not because of his striving...but because of who He is..

same for my own life..

i'm finding that whatever faithfulness i have

or exhibit

is in no way all my own contriving

it's His faithfulness that is the beginning

and ending of my own faithfulness

and i can't forget that.

their lives are NOT in MY hands..

they just arent.

i have a part to play...but my part isnt necessarily necessary..

He is all that's necessary.

also read about the blind man

that Jesus healed on the Sabbath

and how homie told the pharisees about themselves

my faith was being strengthened through his testimony and understanding 

3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.

(John 9:3)

...i didnt think that this is how You meant it..

maybe it isnt..either way im encouraged.

humble me Holy, Beautiful One.

remind me who i am ...

and more than that who You are..

part 6..7?

brief notes:

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”

Romans 7:18
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

in short, humbled. more to come.

wandering.

ive never been one to desire a happy medium
maybe deep down somewhere i was
but i never thought myself to be such..
but today during closing
i felt myself just want
to be oblivious
of what terrors
lie beneath the surface
to take status quo
and feel..okay
regardless of what
was actually taking place

i felt okay..
i feel okay now
but i know there're other things
i realized that i felt alone
again alone
i deeply long for tenderness
and intimacy
not the sexual kind...per se
more the deep..connecting
compassionate sort..
that serves and brings life and warmth
and i've been seeking it ..
and longing for it..but not from You.
my brain tells me
that longings of the sort..
that don't drink from the Living Water
ends up distorted ..and empty and dangerous
that what might feel right and good
and whole for a season
dries up and then takes some of you too.

but..
i also feel like when last i called
when last i asked for You to come
You did not...
or perhaps i was unaware
i feel weird admitting that.
but i feel alone.
and i know You have to be the answer
there's nothing else that can satisfy
so please, won't You..
fill the hole
show me Your tenderness
and intimacy
fill that hole
so echoes and shadows have no place
but a reminder
please, something

it makes me feel a little like a freak
like that alien, person, bug thing
from the mgmt set
wandering around on earth
searching for a home
a place to feel at home
but...its not possible
not forever.

i do have hope
a Hope.

yesterday, my dad told me
the story of how he got saved

then...of what kept him
in the youth of his faith.

mom told me of her own journey
a while ago..

i think what's sweetest
about these moments
is realizing
that my parents
who i feel like never show
that they waver in their faith in Christ
had doubts when they were young
even thought to abandon it in entirety
but God
reached them both personally
in a way unique to both of them
not only that..
but He held them.

so..He'll hold me too?

another thought from the morning:
on the tv there was a woman
presenting her favorite verse
twas: Psalm 46:10
she explained that the "Be still" portion
in translation from the original language
means something more like "Let go"
so then...Let go..."and know that I am God"
Let go...trust
and let Him show that He is God.

k.

i think music

has always been that irrefutable link

to Him.

that quiet whisper

that you hardly hear..

but feel deeply..

i played blue for the first time in a while

she was sitting in her case by the door

my fingertips are still raw

and pinch as i tap away at the keys

although my playing lacked skill

and my voice hoarse..

something in me was moved

and music again was the link..

and for the first time in a while

i just wanted to delight in You..

what a sweet gift,

what divine purpose.

thank You, Baba.

there really is none like You.