wandering.

ive never been one to desire a happy medium
maybe deep down somewhere i was
but i never thought myself to be such..
but today during closing
i felt myself just want
to be oblivious
of what terrors
lie beneath the surface
to take status quo
and feel..okay
regardless of what
was actually taking place

i felt okay..
i feel okay now
but i know there're other things
i realized that i felt alone
again alone
i deeply long for tenderness
and intimacy
not the sexual kind...per se
more the deep..connecting
compassionate sort..
that serves and brings life and warmth
and i've been seeking it ..
and longing for it..but not from You.
my brain tells me
that longings of the sort..
that don't drink from the Living Water
ends up distorted ..and empty and dangerous
that what might feel right and good
and whole for a season
dries up and then takes some of you too.

but..
i also feel like when last i called
when last i asked for You to come
You did not...
or perhaps i was unaware
i feel weird admitting that.
but i feel alone.
and i know You have to be the answer
there's nothing else that can satisfy
so please, won't You..
fill the hole
show me Your tenderness
and intimacy
fill that hole
so echoes and shadows have no place
but a reminder
please, something

it makes me feel a little like a freak
like that alien, person, bug thing
from the mgmt set
wandering around on earth
searching for a home
a place to feel at home
but...its not possible
not forever.

i do have hope
a Hope.

yesterday, my dad told me
the story of how he got saved

then...of what kept him
in the youth of his faith.

mom told me of her own journey
a while ago..

i think what's sweetest
about these moments
is realizing
that my parents
who i feel like never show
that they waver in their faith in Christ
had doubts when they were young
even thought to abandon it in entirety
but God
reached them both personally
in a way unique to both of them
not only that..
but He held them.

so..He'll hold me too?

another thought from the morning:
on the tv there was a woman
presenting her favorite verse
twas: Psalm 46:10
she explained that the "Be still" portion
in translation from the original language
means something more like "Let go"
so then...Let go..."and know that I am God"
Let go...trust
and let Him show that He is God.

k.

i think music

has always been that irrefutable link

to Him.

that quiet whisper

that you hardly hear..

but feel deeply..

i played blue for the first time in a while

she was sitting in her case by the door

my fingertips are still raw

and pinch as i tap away at the keys

although my playing lacked skill

and my voice hoarse..

something in me was moved

and music again was the link..

and for the first time in a while

i just wanted to delight in You..

what a sweet gift,

what divine purpose.

thank You, Baba.

there really is none like You.

the recurrence.

ugh this is annoying..
it can't happen
we want different things..
that would probably never compliment
or coincide
and what makes you think it'd happen otherwise

..this is SO annoying.














but...

existential.

these past few weeks
and these past few emotions
are ones for the books.

sometimes i stop
for just a moment
in the midst of the raging
and wonder "what the hell is going on?"

i think...
i feel like a failure..
in life
in relationships
in career
in ministry..
its as if i can't do anything right

that any good change in me is temporal
but the overarching reality of who i am
screams failures upon failures upon mistakes.

i would ask forgiveness for the dark tone
but, eh.

maybe this is deeply true of the human experience
one day we realize...damn..i suck
like i really suck..and i've really sucked for a long time..
and then we get it...
nothing's in my control..nothing..
sure we have our decisions..
but the variables involved in each decision
are innumerable and make waves throughout eternity..
and those variables are out of our control, most times.

today i grappled with the purpose
in bringing me...us into existence
to share lives and laughter and love with people
who eventually we will leave
or have to learn to live without...
the pain i perceived was blinding..
perhaps that's the effect that keeps me from seeing clearly


i wrote in my journal the other day
about how i give myself to fall on the Cornerstone
and should it break me to pieces, so be it..
because i know somewhere deep there is no other answer..
this declaration of my heart was in response to luke 20:18
but i wasnt sure of the meaning
and i researched days later
actually in the depth of an episodic despair

the verse meant the exact..the exact
opposite of what i was trying to convey
and yet it danced around in my head
as if a whisper from God..
shaken to my core..
i felt it deeply and physically..
im still not sure what to make of that connection..
but i've resolved that ...trusting in Christ..
does NOT mean that i am broken to pieces.
but then what?..

another thought.
what if this human experience..
answers "why Jesus?"

logic says
...lose all hope..
all of it.
death is promised anyway..
so what's the point?
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to mess things up..
hurt someone..
so what's the point?
i can do everything right
cross all my t's
and everything can still end horrifically
i can't control any of it...not fully
so what's the point?

suicide was never an option
fear for my soul
and concern for my family
stood against those..
but i've wished my existence away severally..

or..do it yourself.
you save yourself
you make yourself better
you do it.
but..its impossible
we're too fallen to do it ourselves
history proves we make the same
ugly, disgusting mistakes over and over again.
and we think we are the answer?..
if we are...we are doomed.
we were doomed from the start.

and this is why there's Jesus.
why there HAS to be Jesus
because if it's not Jesus..
what else can it be?
triumph of the human spirit?
self-modification?
better medicine?
perfection can't exist with imperfection
because imperfection destroys what is perfection.

nothing else can fix it
all of it..
nothing else can calm my deep anxiety
for my lack of control
except One who has total control
what...Who else is there to hope in?..
because everything else falls...
all of it...all of them
so He has to be the answer..right?

i had a minor-major mental breakdown earlier
like "am i even Christian?"
..."do i actually believe?"
i think i said "no"
and though my outward stoic
my inward was in full panic attack mode
and the confusion set in
not sure how to process that still..
but it sure is hella scary to even remember..

im not sure how to end this
or even if this is the end
but my eyes are drooping
and i think my soul is starved
i think i've starved it.

no turning back, i said...
no turning back.

i meant that...i think..
but i'm so scared to trust...completely
but isn't that what trust is?
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" [Hebrews 11:1]
well..i can't see right now..
but i'm gonna jump
call me crazy..
i think i'm crazy..
but if He says who He says He is...
what is there to lose?

i wish i knew what this looks like
but i don't
but i'm gonna cling,
so help me God i'm gonna cling
and i'm gonna search for You

so help me, God.

what the overwhelm.
i can literally feel my insides raging
and it feels so heavy and dark..

i can hear her screaming..
what the overwhelm.

"I see in Lycurgus, Numa and Mohammed only legislators who, having the first rank in the state, have sought the best solution of the social problem but I see nothing there which reveals divinity...nothing announces them divine. On the contrary, there are numerous resemblances between them & myself, foibles and errors which ally them to me and to humanity.     It is not so with Christ. Everything in Him astonishes me. His spirit overawes me, and His will confounds me. Beside Him and whoever else in the world, there is no possible term of comparison. He is truly a being by Himself. His ideals and His sentiments, the truths which He announces, His manner of convincing, are not explained either by human organization or by the nature of things.     His birth and the history of His life; the profundity of His doctrine, which grapples the mightiest difficulties, and which is, of those difficulties, the most admirable solution; His Gospel, His apparition, His empire, His march across the ages and the realms, is for me a prodigy, a mystery insoluble, which plunges me into a reverence which I cannot escape, a mystery which is there before my eyes, mystery which I cannot deny or explain. Here I see nothing human. The nearer I approach, the more carefully I examine, everything is above me, everything remains grand—and of a grandeur which overpowers.    His religion is a revelation from an intelligence which certainly is not a man. There is a profound originality, which has created a series of maxims before unknown. Jesus borrowed nothing from our sciences. One can absolutely find nowhere, but in Him alone, the imitation or the example of His life."

- attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte

man..i feel like this dude knows Jesus...better than i do..
and he very well might.

oh that i might know You more..please..please.