farewell, almost

i already feel mad childish for even entertaining this.

alas i shall...for i believe the situation to be deserving..

today was the end

and before the close

an interest was sparked

and exchange commenced

but alas...today was the end

and there's no longer a reason to see..

i mustnt dwell..

for the possibility of another encounter 

is nil.

so this is my letter to you, almost

farewell to you, dear one..

so close, yet so far

just friends would have sufficed

alas, that's no longer an option

because the end has come

and that's okay..

so farewell to you, dear one

farewell to you almost,

farewell.

tinklings.

recently:
there was a sweet moment within the past week or so when i remembered what drew me to jca..
there is an earnest heart that i had once forgotten
a deep and apparent belief that the Truth is true..
that relationship is possible and much more...desired..
that You are alive..

furthermore that i wanted You to be alive to me too
that for me too, Truth would be true..
and here i am again.
remind me again...sweep all pretense away
and burn it in Your flames..
and let life spring up from the ashes
a new start and renewed love.

basically: 
"He speaks to my desperate need for self-justification. All day long, I’m justifying myself to prove I’m worthy. I am making myself better than others and comparing my weakness to someone who is weaker than me. I am in a moral race that causes me to laugh at a celebrity’s downfall or to help the poor to look righteous. Jesus destroyed this in the cross by calling us all equally guilty and all equally loved. It was never in us to justify ourselves, but only Jesus can do this."

- J.S. Park [http://jsparkblog.com/2014/04/16/why-do-you-believe-in-jesus/]

and for a sweet moment..
the raging ceased..
and my eyes and ears could sense.
i could love
and i could understand.

on sin.

lately, its been getting clearer
why God can't deal with sin..
why even small things.
He won't just overlook.

and it's beautiful..

small sins..
thoughts..longings.
turn into things..
and the things turn into monsters
that devour our life
and all those around us..

sin cannot be where perfection is...
its not possible..

another somewhat related idea
has also been getting clearer
that because of Jesus's sacrifice..
we don't have to be perfect..
but have been made perfect
through our faith in Him..
meaning..
it's not on us to do good things
to be good people..
so that we can escape damnation..
it's been done..
and my response is key..
oh what a gift..
oh the deeeep freedom!

hi Jesus,
so ...i just don't know..
like i have no idea
and i feel like crying
...but i feel dumb about that too..

...its been gone for a while now..
but i still feel all kinds of crazy.
ugh.

so please...
i'll be here..
because...i just can't.
i can't.

commufunk

i suspect that this is just a season..
another winter that will pass
atleast...that's the hope

who knew angsting about it
could lead to hope?
i love this place..
i know i do..
but right now..
everything inside is throwing a tantrum.

everything falls..
everything does..
it does..
but this
the Source of the stream
that tinkles inside my heart
i know He doesn't
He can't
it's not possible.

i'll wait.
and i will find you here...
even here.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me. 

-Emily Dickinson

i think ive stopped caring..
even more there's this desire
to rebel.

ugh.
stahpit.
ive probably already gone too far
i feel bad..
but not really...

i think im just acting out
...like a spoiled brat
who feels wronged..
just another expression of brokenness

ugh.
stahpit.

something else from tonight..
i don't think it to be a demand
more of a plea...
You can't just be in the places
where i run away to hide..
and not just in cincinnati either..
You have to be here too..
i have to find You here..
i will seek You here..