insanity is only logical in a world rampant with instability and uncertainty..
where life sustenance is a delicate balance..
and completely out of our known control..
it's only logical.

praise to the stable, certain One.

can life erupt from brokenness on it's own?
can brokenness breed life?

oh i am prideful.
but i am also broken..
a deep broken.
i have made so many mistakes.
i've made myself a fool for such a cause.
a cause that could never be fulfilled that way..

so then what?
what now?

i am an attention-whore..
and my heart and flesh will satisfy its desire..
whichever way...with whomever..
but they shan't be satisfied..
for people are broken and spells wear off..

i am ashamed.
for in all my knowledge of You..
in all the ways that you've grown me..
i still dance for monopoly money..
pouring all out for what cannot be..
for what will never...wholly satisfy..
i know this...
i know this..
but still i dance.

alas i am tired..
and broken..
and the guilt and shame sit heavy on my face..
my first response?
run, run, ruuunnn..
they cannot hear..they will be aghast...
disappointed..
isolation..separation...
for it's too much...
through some manifestation be slowly quenched..
the root still remains...just as deep ..
still fed..
sigh.

when things are like this..
there is still some small tinkling stream..
deep deep down..
that reminds me..
and i cannot forget fully..
the extent and the depth...
because You gave it to me..
and it cannot be snatched.

but here i am..i look around
and i'm not sure where i am.
i repent, for i have been prideful.
i have forgotten my place..
my depravity..
rather not forgotten...but celebrated..
but You desire more..
You have more..
You've called me to more..

its a odd place to be..
but this is where i am.
lots of thoughts.
so grateful..
but something else too.

happy birthday tomes..

imprint

"i'm not saying "get better" or "do better"11:21 PM

i'm saying open up and God will come rushing in

he promises that

he cannot wait to be with you

to hug you

to be near you"

"inadequate" it screams

and im blinded by its noise.

i can't reconcile..

if what was built up..

keeps being hit with blows..

maybe what was "built"..

wasn't all that strong in the first place.

...sometimes i wonder..
why did You create romantic love...
or romance in general?

i can get the Fatherly love..
i can lavish and bathe
and drink it all in..

but this kind...
i don't understand..
what's the purpose in it..?
would You show me?

no...no i don't want him...
whoever..
to show me..
and..
i'd rather not reason it out on my own..
...won't You show me?..please?

oh Lord, my heart is so jank.
ahhh..