:/
its weird having this desire to renege on dub reds
but i know perseverance is best.
sigh

there is, all of a sudden..
this odd, but peaceful desire to be "ok" with myself..
instead of trying to "out-cool" her
or "out-hip" him
or "out-fun" them..
i kinda want to try being...and liking..me

hm

frustr

im not ready.
dang it.
i thought i was..
but im doubting that now..

atleast for summer..
dub reds.
meaning: no thinking, no wondering...nothing.

oh God..help me not to be jaded.
and count myself out before anything even begins.

hurricane

"and if destruction's what i need..
then i'll receive it Lord from thee,
yes, i'll receive it Lord from thee"


disrupt.

gurgles

butterflies..
fade then glow.
glances and smiles.

tummy drops..
i wonder if..
sometimes maybe..
am i obvious?

rushrushrush
crumbles

splurts of Life
like air and wind and breath
like a sigh
reminder.
overwhelmed by the Great One.
who can compare?

but.
where are you heart?
where are you treasure?
day after day.
do i? do i?
hmph
in love with the idea..
not with the Being.
truth and sorrow

cravecravecrave
but little action..

Living Water..
desire
fountain..
to be a spring
but
muddled in earthly desire
obsession in present satisfaction
indifference to the eternal.

head knowledge
heart of stone.

movemovemove
stuck: memories, dreams, fantasies

beat. BEAT. imperative.
BEAT with passion.
that starts in the center
and reaches every fingertip
warm breath..
evidence of Life
growth.

BEAT again.
and again.
and again.
.....

needneedneed

"turn your face to me
  turn your face to me
  turn your face to me
  turn your face to me"

...might be the most encouraging words ive heard all night..

can't sleep

today..
i spent a good 30 minutes making up things to say to all the lowlifes who made fun of me in high school.
i practiced saying it so if i had the chance i could basically make them feel the way they made me feel back then..im not sure why im writing this...i think im a little disappointed in myself.

im really slowly giving up hope..
im not really sure what's come over me..
i feel as though im spiraling wherein i see glimpses of light but its not long before im overwhelmed in darkness...in shame..
i feel as though ive completely failed this year..
in relationships: i don't know why...but i feel really distanced/disconnected from most of my class..
in academics: i'd rather not recall the suckage that ive poured out :/
in spiritual growth&discipleship: i feel like im more than a mess than anything and im having a really hard time praying..i remember sharing with leadership team how i found that i saw my self as a casualty to His almighty plan. as if i felt as if my happiness or my sanity were not apart of this great plan He has for me..
i dunno...i know that's not true...but its hard to believe...i know i've failed miserably in lg and fg...i couldve done more..couldve reached out..prayed for..planned..cared..a whole hell of a lot more..

it makes me want to cry to think about this year..all i wanted..ALL i wanted to do was to end well...
spiritually, academically, relationship-wise...
that's it..that's all i wanted..
doesnt look like any of them will happen.

im complaining...i know.
sorry if its selfish...i know it is..
but im...despairing...
and disappointed...in myself
and im distancing..

last night..i drove home alone
bawling like a frickin baby in my car..
i contemplated going home..like to my mom's house..
or going to a beach or the mountains and just staying..
i'd like to run away..
i mess up too much..
and ...it sucks

i wish i didnt feel this way..
but i do..
..