can't sleep

today..
i spent a good 30 minutes making up things to say to all the lowlifes who made fun of me in high school.
i practiced saying it so if i had the chance i could basically make them feel the way they made me feel back then..im not sure why im writing this...i think im a little disappointed in myself.

im really slowly giving up hope..
im not really sure what's come over me..
i feel as though im spiraling wherein i see glimpses of light but its not long before im overwhelmed in darkness...in shame..
i feel as though ive completely failed this year..
in relationships: i don't know why...but i feel really distanced/disconnected from most of my class..
in academics: i'd rather not recall the suckage that ive poured out :/
in spiritual growth&discipleship: i feel like im more than a mess than anything and im having a really hard time praying..i remember sharing with leadership team how i found that i saw my self as a casualty to His almighty plan. as if i felt as if my happiness or my sanity were not apart of this great plan He has for me..
i dunno...i know that's not true...but its hard to believe...i know i've failed miserably in lg and fg...i couldve done more..couldve reached out..prayed for..planned..cared..a whole hell of a lot more..

it makes me want to cry to think about this year..all i wanted..ALL i wanted to do was to end well...
spiritually, academically, relationship-wise...
that's it..that's all i wanted..
doesnt look like any of them will happen.

im complaining...i know.
sorry if its selfish...i know it is..
but im...despairing...
and disappointed...in myself
and im distancing..

last night..i drove home alone
bawling like a frickin baby in my car..
i contemplated going home..like to my mom's house..
or going to a beach or the mountains and just staying..
i'd like to run away..
i mess up too much..
and ...it sucks

i wish i didnt feel this way..
but i do..
..

im being dumb.
argh.
french toast sticks.

camels and straw

i don't know if i can deal.

vegetable.
is it really supposed to be...so hard?

i look back...from where i began this..
and i know You're standing there..
but..i can't move.
deep down i know You'll quench..and heal..
but..i can't move.
stuck and extended.

i can't..i just..can't.

sigh..
i can't even look him in the eye.
frickfrack.
:/

heartbroken

it scares me to think about the implications
of...Zimmerman getting off scotch-free..

it scares me even more to think that its actually happened before..

im usually the one to give the benefit of the doubt..
to try to reason things out..
attempt to understand...

perhaps im just naive..

Trayvon Martin could have very well been my little brother..
he may as well have been my little brother..
by His grace..that will not be the portion of any of my brothers.

tonight i asked God why He made us, "black people"
so different from all other races..
why he made our hair texture so different..
our skin so dark?

whenever i watch those movies..
you know..the ones about the jim crow era..or segregation
i wonder..why people hated us so much..
why we were thought to be so inferior..so unlovable..
so undeserved of time, care and even respect?
because of skin-color..
and furthermore...do i have the capacity to hate like that?

what is my response?
a cry for..... justice...?
a cry for...peace?
a cry for redemption?
restoration?
renewal..?
idk...something
something has to change.
something will change? right?...
Jesus come back allreeaaddyyyyyyyy....aghhh

idk who reads this..but if you happen to sign this: http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-our-son-17-year-old-trayvon-martin#

unrealistic expectations.

unfair expectations.
sigh.
stupid heart.
shut it.

guitar.

its a beautiful thing to be wrecked by the One
but a most terrible thing indeed..

He calls me..us to surrender..
let go of ourselves..
our very core of who we think we are..
what we think is best..
what we want the most..

man i don't think i really understand the concept..
yea sure, i'll give God my life..
...but only so i can get what i want..
..of course what i want is the glory of God..
as long as its on my terms and in the way that i want it...

oh man..like a wrecking ball to a glass house..
He came crashing..
and honestly it feels like my entire world has been made to dust..
i can't reconcile it
and in a way my heart is crushed..

now i just want to play..
until the strings cut my fingers
and make them burn and bleed
the way my heart is doing..
until its crooning matches the desperate groans of my soul..

i fear growing bitter, fearful
and odd enough complacent..
but..im excited...
..its weird..i feel like im dying..
like literally selling myself to something..
or rather Someone.. i can't control..
and don't understand..
but im excited...

im scared.
i really am
but..He wants it..?
He'll have it. all of it...all of me.