crushed

crumbling crumbling
sigh
its as if i cannot breath..
for whether i inhale or exhale
mistake and failure is at its heels..

"is the Gospel good news to you, Tomi?"
i hesitated.
but, i know it is...
after all...what better news could there be
than that in my depravity, i'm loved
that there's hope that my depravity isn't an eternal condition
one day, those who believe, will be clean and pure
that the whole world will be new and perfect once again..
that there is freedom..
but i know this in my head..
but my heart struggles to believe fully...
to remember
to trust

broken..
all around i see desolation ..
dryness
brick walls..
cracks and blood from my fists
pounding, pounding
more hurt...more weakness
i sit now in the corner
not wanting to try..
afraid i'll mess up again..
more blood, more pain..
darkness
alone with my thoughts
like razors chipping at my sanity
at my heart..
eyes but cannot see
Hope is masked as another reminder
another reminder that i am not good
that i cannot be good
that i am not right..
why do i feel so?
but You said You didnt come to condemn

why can't my little heart believe?
where are you faith?
get yourself together.

i look up now..
staring...obsessing with the Light..
for i know that it is the only hope for change..
nothing else will do....can do
so i'll wait...and i'll hope..
i'll wait and i'll hope...
i'll wait and i'll hope
obsessing,staring, drinking in Your Light..
in hopes that Salvation will come..

self worth

you.
i find that it's in you...in them
that's where i find it..
and you are not perfect.
neither are they..
you all don't seem to notice
or understand what it does to me..
when you say..
when you don't say..
when you do..
when you don't do..

but..but
i can't get upset.
because i knew in the first place what i was getting myself into..
when i placed my worth...
in the hands of those not worthy..
and besides you all were ignorant of my heart's secrets..

don't take offense
because im not worthy to define you..
im not worthy to tell you who you all are..or how much you're worth..
because i am not perfect..or even good.

but how...how do i put my worth in You?
how do i find my confidence...my definition in You?
how do i stop caring?
is that what it takes?
to stop caring?....
but how do i do that in a loving way?

SIGH.
"my happiness is found in less of me and more of You"


k..i'll try that.
come take Your place.

feeling like throwing in the towel.
all of the towels.

lesson learned

assumptions,
no matter how definite
or obvious they might...seem

they can be destructive.

never again..never again.

fail.

fail fail fail
lots of faaaiiilll
im sorry Father..
i feel like i took what you gave me

...and stomped carelessly
all over it..
and im back at square one

broken, bloody, unlovable
mess...

AGH.
frustration.

gracious

oh Father..
im thankful..

You have shown me my ways.
my selfishness..

teach me.
oh Lover..
teach me how to love.

passion.

fleeting... fluttering..thoughts
they litter..

my head..
stupid ideas of romance
and passion and love
that fill my head and push out..
silence, make jest,  of the Truth..

sigh..but is it truly sin
to desire some sort of passion
no, not sexual..but..
some sort of strong all-consuming emotion
that runs one blind and careless in all other aspects
or must all be calculating..rigid...stiff

perhaps my desires are misplaced..
perhaps i dream and project what can never be..
what cannot be good
what cannot be healthy...
even more so what cannot be holy

i see blatantly
the lack of wisdom in my words..
in my desires..
i know You call for..
completion..wholly..holy..
solid.

perhaps there is another passion
that dives headlong into
ill logic...terrible reasoning
completely consuming..
utterly breathtaking..
raw..bleeding..unfettered beauty..
basic..basic...basic..
but so complex..
so intricate and involved
so..filling...every crevice
every crack..
no stone left un-turned
wholly encompassing....

well..hmm..
i guess You are the author of passion..
my definition of passion..
so far removed from the actual..
my desire..so misplaced..so limited..

but..so real to me..
so delightful in smell..
and sweet to sight..
i know deep down..
satisfaction is not the ending...
but more desire..more want..
more aching...
more hollowness..

i know..i know..

teach me freedom
oh Healer..
reveal to me the freedom..
in sweet and complete surrender..

oh Father
...even of this..