oh Jesus help me to see that my only life..
...that abundant life...
is in You...

motives.

on Saturday instead of encouragement...rebuke.
what were my motives?
what are my motives?
am i really doing this for You....or for my own gain?

a call to examine...to analyze...
my depth...my heart.
check-up.

but how?
how do you check yourself every minute of every day..
...without becoming legalistic..
or hopeless in sorrow?
or exhausted?
or prideful?
or judgmental?
....or a hypocrite?
hm

wwJd?

what are you trying to tell me?

i honestly just want to throw in the towel.
im beginning to think that its less of what im doing wrong..
and more of that...its me that's wrong..

maybe im not supposed to be doing this...
and this is God's way of showing me...

i dunno...
i...just..dont know what to do..

funny..

how the shekinah blog just published a post about singlehood.

agh..
i hate these feelings.
inadequacy and imperfection.

i wanna be crushed on toooo..

its like something in me is open
and gushing
filling every crevice..every empty space..
i feel like crying, but sweet joy is my companion
i dont understand
and i definitely dont have all the answers i'd like..
but..even so..
im eternally grateful.
let.Hope.rise

daydreams and flutterbyes

keep the idle heart at bay.
i dream and dream to no avail.
but a smile stays on my face.

the frivolities of a flustered heart..
the crooning from the deep..
the sighs of innocent nothings
oh..whats the matter with me?

i know perhaps these daydreams fade
like mist, they kiss the air..
but the imprint left upon my heart
will take more to disappear..

i have this hard time remembering that You are in charge
YOU, not me..
i know this in my head...but my heart doesnt seem to recognize
im scared...im earnestly freaking out
aand i know this anxiety is to bring me to my knees
to bring me face down before You,
but its like i cant move..

i try to keep reminding my forgetful heart of Your faithfulness
but...i...am a failure..
i need You..and You alone..
i need Your touch and Your whisper..
i need Your presence...to know that You're near..

"i'll be found in You, still standing"
in You, when i'm found in You..
i'll still stand...

but God, i'm scared..
of what?
...i dont know...
but...im scared

but...i know i need to trust You more
here's the motivation...eh?