funny..

how the shekinah blog just published a post about singlehood.

agh..
i hate these feelings.
inadequacy and imperfection.

i wanna be crushed on toooo..

its like something in me is open
and gushing
filling every crevice..every empty space..
i feel like crying, but sweet joy is my companion
i dont understand
and i definitely dont have all the answers i'd like..
but..even so..
im eternally grateful.
let.Hope.rise

daydreams and flutterbyes

keep the idle heart at bay.
i dream and dream to no avail.
but a smile stays on my face.

the frivolities of a flustered heart..
the crooning from the deep..
the sighs of innocent nothings
oh..whats the matter with me?

i know perhaps these daydreams fade
like mist, they kiss the air..
but the imprint left upon my heart
will take more to disappear..

i have this hard time remembering that You are in charge
YOU, not me..
i know this in my head...but my heart doesnt seem to recognize
im scared...im earnestly freaking out
aand i know this anxiety is to bring me to my knees
to bring me face down before You,
but its like i cant move..

i try to keep reminding my forgetful heart of Your faithfulness
but...i...am a failure..
i need You..and You alone..
i need Your touch and Your whisper..
i need Your presence...to know that You're near..

"i'll be found in You, still standing"
in You, when i'm found in You..
i'll still stand...

but God, i'm scared..
of what?
...i dont know...
but...im scared

but...i know i need to trust You more
here's the motivation...eh?

i apologize

...for my lack of blog-age. ...my brain has gas..
an my heart's nearing flat-line.
pray for me.

why would You want me?
im dirty and wretched
and forgetful and ungrateful..
my righteous like dirty rags..
why would You want...me?

why would You place me in this family?
why would You place me in this position?
im unqualified and irresponsible
im impatient and good at faking..
why....me?

why would You..keep coming after me?
waiting...but not idling..
constantly moving and touching me..
until i return..broken and bleeding..
dirty and worthless...
sorrowful and pitiful..
raw...and open..

and You restore me..
and heal my wounds..
and bandage me with Your grace
You hold me close so i can listen to Your voice..
so i can hear Your heartbeat..

i honestly take this salvation..so very lightly...i forget that He chose me...that i didnt do this myself...that im so unworthy..so wretchedly unworthy..its like Paul said..i'm the worst of sinners...the worst..but He still wants me...by some crazy unimaginable grace...
and by that same crazy, unimaginable grace...He uses me..He uses....me.
honestly...i fail at everything...at life...but in Him..through Him...i know that's ok..its not my ability that He wants in the first place...

and because He loves me so...He keeps breaking me down..
its hurts...it really does..but it's painful to die isnt it?
but at the same time there's sooo much freedom and grace and love and joy?

this...God..

Words...THE Word..
i see It..i read It..
swallow It...digest It..
i can even regurgitate It..

but my heart feels detached.
my mind is captivated..
but my heart doesn't skip a beat..
"help me know You are near..."