a new opportunity

to examine who i am and remember..
to silence my distracting emotions
and learn to trust..once again..

today started off kind of awesome. my faith was reaffirmed in powerful and touching ways. im thankful..
midday was swell with park picnic and cuppiecakes.
however, the evening brought..interesting occurences..
collision, plans disrupted, selfishness, disappointment..
and then the hang-over returns
darkness falls as the heaviness sets in..
inadequacy and selfishness rise..with a side of guilt.
i hoped escape would help to heal..
but the wound remains..
only One can heal..can restore..

i need You now.

sobered.

..sigh...
my heart keeps playing cruel, cruel games on me.
well, im sobered and the hang-over is killer..
more painful than i expected..
but sobered none the less..
its funny how i sort of suspected..
but when those butterflies in my tummy start flying..
my better judgment is given the corner to inhabit..
and ignored..
she festers a bit...
and returns now full bloom
"wow tomi, you're real stupid to have hoped..."
i know she doesn't mean it...i don't think..

lesson learned?
i doubt it..
im sure those butterflies will start up again..
and my heart will start playing games..
but..this time...my better judgment will have a voice..
and silence my heart beat...gently..
but for now..
getting rid of the hang-over..
or rather suppressing it..
might have to do..

onward.
a new opportunity..

i've been maaad distracted.

pray for me please.

actually...

let's talk.
let's put it all out on the table.

i dont feel. that might be the problem...if there's nothing impossible with God why do i feel as if this is unfixable? words have been exchanged. feelings have been hurt. lives shaken. but don't dwell on it. don't face it.
you'll feel too much.

i can't even watch movies any more, listen to songs, read books that have to do with broken marriages being restored..maybe its because i believe this situation is impossible..or maybe its because im afraid.
but what if this is God's will...that they're separated...or is it just that God's grace will abound because we are sinful beings?

if the God that she believes in and serves is the same One that he serves and believes in...who's right in this situation? should that even matter to me?

im 20. supposedly i should get married soon. im immature and soo sinful. i feel as though i understand absolutely nothing on this subject and it scares me to death. i see the frills the feeling...on tv in movies..but what happens when the lilies stop blooming and the guitar is out of tune? what happens when the leaves turn colors and the water turns to ice? what happens when we miss a beat and when the hummingbird's injures its wing? what happens then?

i want the real thing..
i won't settle for 'love' alone.

i find that my tumblr is waaay more frivilous than this blog..
its like im closing off different parts of my life, my personality and my heart off to different people.
i find it sort of comforting, which is problematic in my viewpoint...im supposed to be transparent right?

regardless.. to the point of this entry: semester break.
this semester breaak has been loads of changes and sometimes its overwhelming. i started out very, very dry when it came to my faith in and walk with Christ, towards the middle it picked back up and then went to an all time high, now its dwindling again and i don't know how to stop it. ive started reading a book with one the the sisters in my fg: when i don't desire God. i havent read much, but from what i have read im learning that what im experiencing isn't exclusive to me...im not the only one who feel as though im soooo in love one moment and so drrryyy the next. i sort of find comfort in this, but at the same time there's a sense of urgency and disgust...like why aren't we consistent? why are we soo distracted? oi..

just before the break, i fell back into 'liking' a guy that i previously liked last semester...when you're not sure if the feeling are mutual, or even being developed in a direction towards being mutual, liking someone is time consuming and stressful and quite honestly, i'd just rather not. unfortunately, my emotions don't like to listen to my mind's reasoning, so i endure this process for weeks until i finally tell myself: ENOUGH! im at that point now..certain things happened that sort of reminded me why its not worth the stress, especially if those feelings aren't returned, besides, we'll part ways very soon..no sense in starting something now...right? i think im cured. i think.

ive considered the possibility of moving back home..due to the cost of rent. its probably one of the most depressing decisions ive considered. i feel sooo terrible admitting that, because it's been my mom's wish for the longest but, its the honest truth. i feel like i'd be giving up soooo much freedom and flexibility, considering that i live 40-45 minutes away. oi, just thinking about it right now depresses me. so i'll stop. if it makes everyone's lives...haha except mine...a little less stressful, then i guess it's worth it.

i havent really talked much to anyone about my family situation, i find myself attempting to avoid the subject more and more in order to keep my freaking emotions detached from the situation. for that reason, i wont delve into it.

i dont feel like talking anymore.
good night.

lullaby

tell me a lullaby
sing me a story..
hold me tight and rock me until we're floating
enveloped in your scent..
drifting among the clouds..hidden in the fog

sleep and forget my darling..
forget the day...but remember the happiness
swallow the warmth..let it sit in your tummy..
and bubble into a smile..
dream in sweet melodies..my love..
paint a picture with your heart..

wallow with me..
until the lines flow together..blurry bliss
heaviness draws me back..
and covers me in comfort..
sleep my darling..

man.
soo..close to tears right now..
ive made soo many mistakes this semester..

you know how you pass the scene of a car accident
and you slow down, and shake your head
and though its sad and terrible to look at..
you cant look away?
my semester in a nutshell..
im was determined to rock this last week and end this semester with a bang...

but if its not "this"...then its "that"..
and if its not me...
wait, no, its always me..
its like i cant get a break..
nor do i seem to deserve one..
sigh.
i just want to crawl into a corner and escape.
so close to saying.."im done, i give up..."
soo close.