lullaby

tell me a lullaby
sing me a story..
hold me tight and rock me until we're floating
enveloped in your scent..
drifting among the clouds..hidden in the fog

sleep and forget my darling..
forget the day...but remember the happiness
swallow the warmth..let it sit in your tummy..
and bubble into a smile..
dream in sweet melodies..my love..
paint a picture with your heart..

wallow with me..
until the lines flow together..blurry bliss
heaviness draws me back..
and covers me in comfort..
sleep my darling..

man.
soo..close to tears right now..
ive made soo many mistakes this semester..

you know how you pass the scene of a car accident
and you slow down, and shake your head
and though its sad and terrible to look at..
you cant look away?
my semester in a nutshell..
im was determined to rock this last week and end this semester with a bang...

but if its not "this"...then its "that"..
and if its not me...
wait, no, its always me..
its like i cant get a break..
nor do i seem to deserve one..
sigh.
i just want to crawl into a corner and escape.
so close to saying.."im done, i give up..."
soo close.

free range..

well...i regret to say that i feel as though ive gone full circle..
sigh..there's always something...
...who am I?
ive been wondering that for like the past week..
am i REALLY genuine, or am i a randomized collection of my friend's mannerisms..thoughts...actions..
in human form?
even when im by myself.. i.don't.know.
monday, we talked about our function in the church..
i dont know mine yet, nor had i thought much about it, before monday
i guess...
...i think
um...let's just go with "i don't know, and i'm lost".... again.
sigh....there's always...something




...exactly

...so...that asian dude..
in a dream...sorta
i realized who he was..

..HA

....

i feel like i have noone to discuss this with...and its sort of eating my insides..
he moved out...of the house..
i thought i was ok with it...
but now im not so sure.
how am i supposed to feel about this?

lost.

i kinda missed this..

man the search for the substance...one's purpose in this life..
this little life...this wee glimmer in the sun..
can get a little disheartening...when there's chaos..
but mostly when there's silence..

i dont know what im doing with my life...
better yet.. im not sure what He wants me to do with this life's He's given me..
or even what He's doing with this life..
oi..im soo lost

its funny...im kind of ...chill about?
like i think im ok with this...not knowing thing..
i guess ive sort of come to the consensus that loving people...
this is it..
doesn't matter what i end up doing in terms of "career"
loving God first...and...loving people..
...this is it.

where do i even start with this?
re-vive indeed.

going into this retreat, my thoughts, or rather expectations were that i'd get a break from work, from school, basically from my busy life and get a chance to realign with God's heart and purpose for my life..
worship was beautiful and powerful... as usual.
the sermons were convicting and full of power...as usual..
as usual..
as....usual?
i found through the course of the weekend that my heart was burdened, with guilt, with shame, with....fear..
why did i feel as though i had to force myself to worship this great God that i soo desperately wanted to believe in..
whoa..wait..did i just slip there?
"this great God that i soo desperately WANTED to believe in.."?
precisely...in my heart of hearts...i wasnt sure that i actually believed..
was i "believing" just because i was supposed to...
or because i know that i know that i know that i know...
that redemption, grace, love, actually exist...and that it's sufficient to cover my guilt, my shame, ....my fear?

i grew up in church, in a Christian home...
with the Bible basically pounded into the core of my being...
is that a bad thing...?
no...of course not..
but was i jaded towards this God i serve because of it..
eh..i cant go so far as to say that...but i would confess that i felt as though it played a part..

my heart was clouded with who i made God to be...or who i thought God to be..
with preconcieved notions regarding the way that he works..the way that He sees me..
it's like i was so overwhelmed...drowning almost, in my own ideas...my own experiences..
i had watered down my faith...the truth so much that i couldn't recognize it..
my heart was hard...and i wasnt sure where that left me.

with that hard and heavy heart i went through the retreat...legalistically
silently in my mind...praying that God softens my heart...opens me up...
so that i could effectively recieve from Him..

sunday morning, i woke up believing...its over...its all over
and wondering where that left me...
...i wasnt completely hopeless..
maybe...God had something in mind..
maybe...He had something in store..

...during worship.. i cried out to God...
asking, begging to know what was wrong with me..
asking, begging Him to soften my heart..
begging Him to speak to me...
...to not let me leave this retreat...unchanged.
something in me broke..and i sobbed and sobbed...
not really sure why i was crying or what made me start crying like that....

i know... that i know...that i know..
that God spoke to me...so gently...so clearly..
that my slate..was wiped clean..
no longer drowning...no longer overwhelmed...my heart was free.
free to be me..
.not a minister's kid...
not a kid bred in church..
not a leader in the church...
just Tomi.

re-vive indeed.