..and this is why.. "nope"
nope. nope. nope.

you know i find that without
skipping a beat
i can speak Truth to a friend, brother or sister
its like it comes bubbling
and sometimes raging out

but its like i've been silenced
when it comes to speaking Truth
to myself.

change must come.
hoping and faithing.

you know,
i think bass has the same wavelengths
of deep emotion
its as if
for a moment
as the bass vibrates
that pain
the hollow ache
is filled
and felt
and lessens
for just that moment..

i know i'm still not right
..i can still hear them in my head
the words..

man..words
such power..

on another note
all it took was four words
four bloody words
and all was flattened again

haha
its basically incredulous
like i have to laugh at myself
because im actually ridiculous.

something's not right
i thought i got it all
held it in my hands
but something slipped

there's more, i suppose.

the raging.

You are worthy of my devotion.
i am nothing...but You gave me the right..
the right to chose the object of my devotion.
You chose me whether i chose You or not..
and gave me the right to choose You..
i choose You..
because You chose me first..
because You are worthy
there is no other like You..
no other...

i wanna be like You.
like...uproot my foundation..
be like You..
like rip apart the old
and replace with You
be like You...
like.."And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants[f] to continue to speak your word with all boldness"be like You...

is it okay to say
i'm terrified?
i keep saying i'll jump
but..

it can't be like them right?
in their pretty little squares..
with their cute words and trite sayings?
...it can't..
i can't..

maybe i just see the surface..
maybe i'm jealous
either way...im not like that..
or i don't want to be..

i need reality, Father..
like...deep
colorful..uncomfortable
bloody..damn that hurt..
..reality

but it can't be my way..
because we know...so well
that my way is just as flawed...if not moreso..

here, You take it..
i'm just a child
wriggling around in my own mud pies..
frustrated at their inability to taste like chocolate
but afraid to walk away...to let them wash away..
covered in the mud..
afraid to be clean..
because maybe i'll just be another clone
..a carbon copy..
pinocchio wishing to be a real boy

but You..
man...You're something else..
unlike anything...or anyone else..
and so it's You i want..
not the mud...or the chocolate..
You..just You..

that's it.
for me...for them.
that's it.

turn me inside out.

gungor

bumbled, jumbled...

crawling towards coherence

last night the song "the best part" was on my heart

as it reminded me of the mundane part of following Christ

that pastor johann spoke about one session...

so i looked up what the artists had to say about the song

and in some parts i was wary..

but in other ways i was encouraged

to find that in some ways 

our hearts were thinking the same thing

but on really different spectrums

i went on to read other posts

as well as an article about their recent faith journey

i can't say that i completely understand 

the doubt that they or rather michael experienced

and i cant just cast in away either

but i do fear that parts of it sits weird in me

for that reason i feel led to pray.

i appreciate the point he made in the article

that sometimes being a worship leader

produces this assumption that there is no doubt

this picture of stability 

and in this case

although his past ventures have brought

a sort of refreshing light and honesty

back into worship music ...

and the recent ventures also speak to something deep..

faith is amorphous right now..

but that doesn't call for his shunning

step carefully, no doubt..

but by His power

who is able to keep us from stumbling

and present us blameless

show mercy

because He shows mercy

and for that reason i feel led to pray 

part of clarkston missions

was finding that God will meet His people

however He likes

and wherever He likes

and i trust that for mr. gungor.

that the God of the universe can reach Him and restore Him

not because of his striving...but because of who He is..

same for my own life..

i'm finding that whatever faithfulness i have

or exhibit

is in no way all my own contriving

it's His faithfulness that is the beginning

and ending of my own faithfulness

and i can't forget that.

their lives are NOT in MY hands..

they just arent.

i have a part to play...but my part isnt necessarily necessary..

He is all that's necessary.

also read about the blind man

that Jesus healed on the Sabbath

and how homie told the pharisees about themselves

my faith was being strengthened through his testimony and understanding 

3 Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.

(John 9:3)

...i didnt think that this is how You meant it..

maybe it isnt..either way im encouraged.

humble me Holy, Beautiful One.

remind me who i am ...

and more than that who You are..

part 6..7?

brief notes:

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God.
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”

Romans 7:18
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

in short, humbled. more to come.