existential.

these past few weeks
and these past few emotions
are ones for the books.

sometimes i stop
for just a moment
in the midst of the raging
and wonder "what the hell is going on?"

i think...
i feel like a failure..
in life
in relationships
in career
in ministry..
its as if i can't do anything right

that any good change in me is temporal
but the overarching reality of who i am
screams failures upon failures upon mistakes.

i would ask forgiveness for the dark tone
but, eh.

maybe this is deeply true of the human experience
one day we realize...damn..i suck
like i really suck..and i've really sucked for a long time..
and then we get it...
nothing's in my control..nothing..
sure we have our decisions..
but the variables involved in each decision
are innumerable and make waves throughout eternity..
and those variables are out of our control, most times.

today i grappled with the purpose
in bringing me...us into existence
to share lives and laughter and love with people
who eventually we will leave
or have to learn to live without...
the pain i perceived was blinding..
perhaps that's the effect that keeps me from seeing clearly


i wrote in my journal the other day
about how i give myself to fall on the Cornerstone
and should it break me to pieces, so be it..
because i know somewhere deep there is no other answer..
this declaration of my heart was in response to luke 20:18
but i wasnt sure of the meaning
and i researched days later
actually in the depth of an episodic despair

the verse meant the exact..the exact
opposite of what i was trying to convey
and yet it danced around in my head
as if a whisper from God..
shaken to my core..
i felt it deeply and physically..
im still not sure what to make of that connection..
but i've resolved that ...trusting in Christ..
does NOT mean that i am broken to pieces.
but then what?..

another thought.
what if this human experience..
answers "why Jesus?"

logic says
...lose all hope..
all of it.
death is promised anyway..
so what's the point?
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to mess things up..
hurt someone..
so what's the point?
i can do everything right
cross all my t's
and everything can still end horrifically
i can't control any of it...not fully
so what's the point?

suicide was never an option
fear for my soul
and concern for my family
stood against those..
but i've wished my existence away severally..

or..do it yourself.
you save yourself
you make yourself better
you do it.
but..its impossible
we're too fallen to do it ourselves
history proves we make the same
ugly, disgusting mistakes over and over again.
and we think we are the answer?..
if we are...we are doomed.
we were doomed from the start.

and this is why there's Jesus.
why there HAS to be Jesus
because if it's not Jesus..
what else can it be?
triumph of the human spirit?
self-modification?
better medicine?
perfection can't exist with imperfection
because imperfection destroys what is perfection.

nothing else can fix it
all of it..
nothing else can calm my deep anxiety
for my lack of control
except One who has total control
what...Who else is there to hope in?..
because everything else falls...
all of it...all of them
so He has to be the answer..right?

i had a minor-major mental breakdown earlier
like "am i even Christian?"
..."do i actually believe?"
i think i said "no"
and though my outward stoic
my inward was in full panic attack mode
and the confusion set in
not sure how to process that still..
but it sure is hella scary to even remember..

im not sure how to end this
or even if this is the end
but my eyes are drooping
and i think my soul is starved
i think i've starved it.

no turning back, i said...
no turning back.

i meant that...i think..
but i'm so scared to trust...completely
but isn't that what trust is?
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" [Hebrews 11:1]
well..i can't see right now..
but i'm gonna jump
call me crazy..
i think i'm crazy..
but if He says who He says He is...
what is there to lose?

i wish i knew what this looks like
but i don't
but i'm gonna cling,
so help me God i'm gonna cling
and i'm gonna search for You

so help me, God.

what the overwhelm.
i can literally feel my insides raging
and it feels so heavy and dark..

i can hear her screaming..
what the overwhelm.

"I see in Lycurgus, Numa and Mohammed only legislators who, having the first rank in the state, have sought the best solution of the social problem but I see nothing there which reveals divinity...nothing announces them divine. On the contrary, there are numerous resemblances between them & myself, foibles and errors which ally them to me and to humanity.     It is not so with Christ. Everything in Him astonishes me. His spirit overawes me, and His will confounds me. Beside Him and whoever else in the world, there is no possible term of comparison. He is truly a being by Himself. His ideals and His sentiments, the truths which He announces, His manner of convincing, are not explained either by human organization or by the nature of things.     His birth and the history of His life; the profundity of His doctrine, which grapples the mightiest difficulties, and which is, of those difficulties, the most admirable solution; His Gospel, His apparition, His empire, His march across the ages and the realms, is for me a prodigy, a mystery insoluble, which plunges me into a reverence which I cannot escape, a mystery which is there before my eyes, mystery which I cannot deny or explain. Here I see nothing human. The nearer I approach, the more carefully I examine, everything is above me, everything remains grand—and of a grandeur which overpowers.    His religion is a revelation from an intelligence which certainly is not a man. There is a profound originality, which has created a series of maxims before unknown. Jesus borrowed nothing from our sciences. One can absolutely find nowhere, but in Him alone, the imitation or the example of His life."

- attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte

man..i feel like this dude knows Jesus...better than i do..
and he very well might.

oh that i might know You more..please..please.

ugh. UGH.

not making any sweeping statements here

and perhaps this shows my bratty heart..

but i just need half a second to rant..

before i return to planning

but...not having a car..

coupled with living in the boonies

and being active in a church located in the city

is so not the business

and i just wanna throw a fit...because

its not only getting from f-villy to marta that sucks

but getting from marta to specific locations

and from specific locations back to marta.

ugh...like UGH.

...you can't make me.

k. onward.

farewell, almost

i already feel mad childish for even entertaining this.

alas i shall...for i believe the situation to be deserving..

today was the end

and before the close

an interest was sparked

and exchange commenced

but alas...today was the end

and there's no longer a reason to see..

i mustnt dwell..

for the possibility of another encounter 

is nil.

so this is my letter to you, almost

farewell to you, dear one..

so close, yet so far

just friends would have sufficed

alas, that's no longer an option

because the end has come

and that's okay..

so farewell to you, dear one

farewell to you almost,

farewell.

tinklings.

recently:
there was a sweet moment within the past week or so when i remembered what drew me to jca..
there is an earnest heart that i had once forgotten
a deep and apparent belief that the Truth is true..
that relationship is possible and much more...desired..
that You are alive..

furthermore that i wanted You to be alive to me too
that for me too, Truth would be true..
and here i am again.
remind me again...sweep all pretense away
and burn it in Your flames..
and let life spring up from the ashes
a new start and renewed love.

basically: 
"He speaks to my desperate need for self-justification. All day long, I’m justifying myself to prove I’m worthy. I am making myself better than others and comparing my weakness to someone who is weaker than me. I am in a moral race that causes me to laugh at a celebrity’s downfall or to help the poor to look righteous. Jesus destroyed this in the cross by calling us all equally guilty and all equally loved. It was never in us to justify ourselves, but only Jesus can do this."

- J.S. Park [http://jsparkblog.com/2014/04/16/why-do-you-believe-in-jesus/]

and for a sweet moment..
the raging ceased..
and my eyes and ears could sense.
i could love
and i could understand.