nonsensical.

"i don't fit in your genre don't try to box me"
mmhmm.

i am nonsensical.
not so much frivolous, but more illogical.
perhaps we all are...

i think i get why some artists
that are Bible-believin' Christ-followers
are reluctant to create "ccm"
sometimes the christian jargon...just doesnt fit..
and what does fit..doesn't fit ccm.
[shrug]
but the unfit is beautiful
and raw and deep
and still calls me to worship
and wonder.
who You are
and how You love..

maybe i'm like the unfit too
the way i process
and understand
and am drawn..
sometimes doesnt fit into the jargon
the associations unseen...
somewhat inexplicable..
but moreso felt..
and only those who feel it too..know

i don't make sense..
i really don't.
and sometimes i wonder..
if that's okay with You..
and if You understand..
i think You do..
hope and faith You do..
the Omniscient, isn't it?
i suppose that include this..yea?

His bride.

we're a lot like the awkward shaped puzzle pieces..
not everything aligns
and sometimes we don't fit..
many time forgotten or misunderstood..
things are...different here for us..
that we've grown to understand..
but that's part of what binds us..

in the same respect...i sense..
or at least hope
that underneath the criticism..
and discontent..
there's a deep love..
a deep gratitude..
for this community..

nothing here's perfect...
nothing here can be..
but even in this flavor of brokenness
its beautiful to find
that the Father, the Head, the Helper..
see it all and still love her...
and for that reason...we, i, too
will love her..

tonight i felt like we were in a relationship..
the church and i..
and twas weird...but..
no no still feels weird..to confess
that i was hurt by her..
and sometimes she made me feel unwanted..
unheard..
like an outcast in my own home..
but yet..
i wouldn't trade her for the world..
she is God's great gift to me..
providence in the sweetest form..
ive been so blessed..
and i am so grateful..
i am..
and i do love her, the church..
of this i am convinced..
even though it doesn't feel like it..sometimes
...but what relationship is perfect...here?

my heart threatens to rebuild walls..
well to be honest,
i dunno if they were ever really torn down..
maybe weakened..
but ah...the desire to strengthen..
disheartened at best...devastated at most..
not so much cautious treading..
with understanding...and grace..
more along the lines of ..
calloused retreat..
an entire upheaval of the idea of true trust..
true acceptance..
true love..
but maybe that's too much to ask in the first place...
but then what?..
this all may just be loneliness speaking.
meh.

i'll end this post here.

present help?
You have me there.

i'm still going to say..and do
stupid things aren't i, Father?

sigh.
i suppose it comes with this human condition.
eh?

[shrug]
at least You're here
that's all that matters
all that matters

grant me the sensitivity
to hear and sense
and follow.

some many feels today..
in a way i feel spent
tired...but not so able to sleep .

on the one hand:

but on the other hand,
the buck has to stop somewhere
i remember seeing myself
whilst in my car driving home
i saw myself
in sort of a crazed anger and energy
bursting forth
screaming...screeching
"it ends with me!"

this inner healing stuff..
man
the drawers are springing open left and right
and i feel like im sitting on the floor just watching it happen..
my heart is divided
...perhaps this can just be dealt with later
..maybe i should just get over these things
there are more important thing to be dealt with..
maybe these things are trivial
and im ridiculous for letting them eat at me
or for demanding a response and clarity to them..
feelings too feels...
its so overwhelming..

but in the same breath..
can You really heal...like they say You do?
its felt so temporary before..
and i fall to this place again..
and shove. shove. shove the drawers shut.

well..
they are open..
if i stew i get overwhelmed..
but they're open..
so what now?
where to even begin?
how does this even work?

i can already feel myself..
nope, nope, nope..
let's just shove and come back to it later..
or forget the drawers exist.
yea, right.

Father...what now?

on another note..
watching her vid
and listening to the words..
though the cinematography is right up my alley
the thought dawned..
and frustration ensued
there has to be more than this
the frivolity of a meeting a new guy can't be
where new life begins
the uncertainty is almost certain set-up
for destruction
and draining of the heart and soul
until emptiness and loneliness devours
and the thirst for that "new beginning" aches deeper..
there has to be more than this.
ugh ts, UGH.

this morning..

..is not the business..
oy...i can already feel myself shrinking back..

i realized while staring at my frying egg whites,
that i withheld a lot of opportunities for people
sisters..
to get to know me throughout the years..
i can feel myself wanting now
more than ever
to divulge..
to cave and actually trust
and open up myself fully
for inspection..
but the thought makes my stomach
light up
with anxiety induced moths..
not even butterflies..
have i always been this afraid?
...why am i so afraid?

what about this makes it so hard?
ive already shared things that i
never thought i would ever share
with anyone..
secrets that i told myself i'd take to the grave..

but right now...
this moment...
going out on the water..
feels like the mountains crumbling
and being thrown into the sea
like the earth giving way
...actually
not quite that dramatic..

but i recognize that i feel crazy right now
and guilty?
and...ashamed?...what?
...sigh..
Father..let me know Your love, please
please, please.

myriad.

post fg.

note one:
absence makes the heart grow fonder?
heart, you stoopid.
ugh.

note two:
you're charming
and you dont know it
and you don't mean to be
more ugh.

note three: humbled.
though more observer
than contributor
it dawned on me..
my own pride keeps me in isolation.
i posed a concern
and immediately regretted..in fear
that my ignorance and naivety would be exposed..
and i'd again feel small.
but perhaps..just maybe..
i should be exposed..
in order to learn..
in order to be corrected..
and grow.
but..that stuff hurts.

its the weirdest dichotomy of the heart..
im the "big sister"
always have been...always will be
i must offer.
but..that gets tiring
and confusing
and frustrating..
and i so long to be the baby..
the fed one..the attended to..
sometimes..
but with that, i suppose
comes not knowing
and saying stupid things
and exposing just how much i don't know
and not having it all together
and messing it all up
and getting it all wrong
for me a lot of this is an inward battle..
i take what im given...be it sermon, the Word, meet-up convo
and stir it around in my head...
input computes and output proceeds
but perhaps, im not the scum of the earth
if my head needs some help grasping.
but...i don't know how..
but...i do know that "they don't understand.."
"they don't care.."
"i can't relate.."
won't suffice if the opportunity is never given.

bottoms up.
here's to the plunge.

introversion

i realize that i treasure..
moments alone..
where im unknown ..
a mere observer..
no attachment, no responsibility..

my dribbles on a page are my own
my thoughts and desires
my dreams revisited
and hopes restored..
tis sweet.

in the same breath,
i love being around people..
i may not say much
but..i enjoy the presence..
the words, the laughter..

i wonder if there is a line..
where my quiet,
nearly desperate craving for isolation
is something other than personality
and dives deeper.

no i know there is a line...
maybe blurred and subtle...
but it exists..
my recognition however..
can be flawed.

but right now..
this moment..
is nice
and in a way...i dread the return
where other things are revisited
and i am called to feel again..
but this too...this moment
will become just as loud and unbearable..
in a way...im glad..