this morning..

..is not the business..
oy...i can already feel myself shrinking back..

i realized while staring at my frying egg whites,
that i withheld a lot of opportunities for people
sisters..
to get to know me throughout the years..
i can feel myself wanting now
more than ever
to divulge..
to cave and actually trust
and open up myself fully
for inspection..
but the thought makes my stomach
light up
with anxiety induced moths..
not even butterflies..
have i always been this afraid?
...why am i so afraid?

what about this makes it so hard?
ive already shared things that i
never thought i would ever share
with anyone..
secrets that i told myself i'd take to the grave..

but right now...
this moment...
going out on the water..
feels like the mountains crumbling
and being thrown into the sea
like the earth giving way
...actually
not quite that dramatic..

but i recognize that i feel crazy right now
and guilty?
and...ashamed?...what?
...sigh..
Father..let me know Your love, please
please, please.

myriad.

post fg.

note one:
absence makes the heart grow fonder?
heart, you stoopid.
ugh.

note two:
you're charming
and you dont know it
and you don't mean to be
more ugh.

note three: humbled.
though more observer
than contributor
it dawned on me..
my own pride keeps me in isolation.
i posed a concern
and immediately regretted..in fear
that my ignorance and naivety would be exposed..
and i'd again feel small.
but perhaps..just maybe..
i should be exposed..
in order to learn..
in order to be corrected..
and grow.
but..that stuff hurts.

its the weirdest dichotomy of the heart..
im the "big sister"
always have been...always will be
i must offer.
but..that gets tiring
and confusing
and frustrating..
and i so long to be the baby..
the fed one..the attended to..
sometimes..
but with that, i suppose
comes not knowing
and saying stupid things
and exposing just how much i don't know
and not having it all together
and messing it all up
and getting it all wrong
for me a lot of this is an inward battle..
i take what im given...be it sermon, the Word, meet-up convo
and stir it around in my head...
input computes and output proceeds
but perhaps, im not the scum of the earth
if my head needs some help grasping.
but...i don't know how..
but...i do know that "they don't understand.."
"they don't care.."
"i can't relate.."
won't suffice if the opportunity is never given.

bottoms up.
here's to the plunge.

introversion

i realize that i treasure..
moments alone..
where im unknown ..
a mere observer..
no attachment, no responsibility..

my dribbles on a page are my own
my thoughts and desires
my dreams revisited
and hopes restored..
tis sweet.

in the same breath,
i love being around people..
i may not say much
but..i enjoy the presence..
the words, the laughter..

i wonder if there is a line..
where my quiet,
nearly desperate craving for isolation
is something other than personality
and dives deeper.

no i know there is a line...
maybe blurred and subtle...
but it exists..
my recognition however..
can be flawed.

but right now..
this moment..
is nice
and in a way...i dread the return
where other things are revisited
and i am called to feel again..
but this too...this moment
will become just as loud and unbearable..
in a way...im glad..

minor chords.

paired with bass
...especially paired with bass
invokes some deep reaction..
and ripples through my emotions.
it draws out something that i can't express in words.
or quite yet understand.

harrison bergeron

the loud drowns out the thoughts.

there's so much more to deal with
muddle through
and for the first time i feel wildly unprepared..
i mean, i never had all the answers in the first place..
but this time is different.

is this a for-the-rest-of-my-life thing, Lord..
because right now ..its  certainly overwhelming

i feel so small..
and unwanted..
but stupid..
ugh.
stupid feelings..
agh...

i'd much rather sleep.

and there are those moments..
where im so deeply shocked..
...and im sure there's a side to it that's anger..
that im saddened..not by my own state..
but by the natural world..
by the human race..
that i realize all i can do..
that i might not feel overwhelmed..
is pray..

agh..oh God..
but it's a liiieeee
he's lyingggg
what prayer? what understanding? what opinion?
how dare he? he doesn't know what he's doing..
and in a way that's SO scary..
people are watching and people are listening..
ahh but to gain the world and lose your soul?
that's one thing...but to drag others along..
ahhhhh
alas...You warned about this didnt You..
protect our hearts and mind oh God..
You are victor, YOU are victor.

needed this to be recorded somewhere
so that i can refer and remember
when i don't want to ..

honestly for me..
prayer, a good chunk of the time feels like nothing
yes there are those sweet sweet moments
when i feel heaven and earth touch
and everything is overwhelmed
and yes, at times..the thought of the providence
of prayer alone
leaves me in awe..
but a lot of the time..
i don't feel too much move
in those moments..
i dont feel His presence..
and though i trust He's listening...
i feel like im talking to the air...or the wall..
..after all why would the Creator and King of the universe
give audience to a being like me?

remember, Oluwatominsin, remember
in these moments,
that the prayers of your parents
for you all those years..
even when you sighed and grumbled..
and when you felt like maybe they didnt see
how fruitless you thought it was..
were answered.
maybe not all of them..
maybe not in the way imagined..
maybe not at the time..
but they were answered

much more..
those prayers that you prayed, girl.
the ones that you've forgotten..
the ones you've prayed for years..
the ones you pray in haste and desperation..

though all seems silent..
something.. something is shifting in the spiritual world
understand..you may see nothing...for a long time.
[lol or it you may see the answer moments after..]
but God is at work and He is faithful..
as ethereal as it sounds
something deep and powerful is happening..
when you, we pray..
wait for it..
and while you do..
look back...look hard..
and remember what He's already done..

and don't you dare stop.

a passage comes to mind:

2 And the Lord answered me:

“Write the vision;
    make it plain on tablets,
    so he may run who reads it.
3 For still the vision awaits its appointed time;
    it hastens to the end—it will not lie.
If it seems slow, wait for it;
    it will surely come; it will not delay.

Habakkuk 2:2-3